Post # 1
My SO and i have been virtually living together in my place (which i’ve lived in alone for a long time) for over a year. I say virtually because he still has his place, but we stay there a few times a month at most (always together). My place is more convenient, and he has a roommate, so my place wins. All our stuff is there.
It never really occurred to me, because we never really discussed “moving in together” but he apparently is a little offended that i (mindlessly) tell people it’s my place and not our place, or that we don’t live together (officially) because he still has his place. And i thank him for fixing things or buying things, because i guess i treat it like it’s my place and he’s doing me a favor.
So, bees, i was wondering, what, if anything, did you do when your SO moved in to make him feel more at home? I told him we could redecorate any way he wants but he said he really didn’t care about that stuff. But i’d like to show him that it’s important to me that he does feel at home at “our” place, as we’ll be living there for the foreseeable future.
Anyone else have trouble transitioning from “my” to “our” place? I guess it’s a mindset thing, so i don’t know if there’s a great answer, but any personal anecdotes are welcome! 🙂
Post # 3
Have him cancel his apartment and then start paying on yours… then it definitely feel like “ours”. LOL.
Kidding aside, Make sure he has a space of his own, be it an office or a desk or whatever he needs. Just a place that he can go to that doesn’t have all your things. Allowing him to decorate is a good idea, but a lot of guys don’t care about that stuff. Truthfully I think it is more an emotional change than a physical one.
Post # 3
My husband started staying over at my place while we were dating. By the time we were engaged, he was pretty much living there. He had his own house (and he still does), but gradually moved more and more of his things to my house. I can’t really tell you when he crosed the line from “staying over” to “living there.”
Once I realized he was here to stay, we were already engaged, so that made it easier to refer to my house as “our house.” I still slip up sometimes and when I do, he gives me the hurt puppy dog look. We refer to “his” house as “our other house.” Right now, “our other house” is on the market.
To make him feel at home, I pretty much told him “Do whatever you want, it’s your house,” anytime he asked about fixing something or changing something. Fortunately, he hasn’t wanted to do anything too drastic. I also cleaned out half my bedroom closet for him, made room in our bedroom for his dresser, cleared a drawer in the bathroom, etc. He has a drawer in what was my computer desk and both my desktop and his laptop are on it. His towels are now mixed in with mine in the linen closet.
I have turned over the kitchen to him entirely: he is a far better cook than I am. I ordered a small throw rug for in front of the kitchen sink that says “Mr. Neva’s kitchen.” The garage is also all his. He refers to it as his man cave. He is welcome to it.
Once our other house sells, we are really going to have a challenge fitting both of our thigns into one house. I think we will just decide together which items we can’t live without and pick the best of the rest and donate the remainder.
Post # 4
I actually moved into his place because it was my favorite neighborhood in Boston, and my landlords were certifiably insane. We made it feel more like “ours” by incorporating my desk and dresser, getting new bedding, and generally hanging up my stuff alongside his on the walls. I had horrible grad school hand-me-down furniture, and he had wonderful “I’ve made good money for a decade” furniture, so that wasn’t a hard merger ;-). Mostly, I think it’s about making real space for the other person. They need to feel like their routine and needs are met in the merged apartment.
Post # 5
My husband has only JUST told the bank he lives here now. And he’s only JUST had a redirect set up at the post office for the last 4 months or so so that his mail comes here instead of going to his family home. We’ve been living together for around 3 years.
On the other hand, whilst his transition into “our” home has been very very gradual – we did go out and have a nice dinner when he finally felt comfortable telling his family and friends we were living together. Just as a “welcome to my home” thing more than anything else – although we didn’t really acknowledge that was what it was for once we arranged to go out! 😛
Post # 6
My SO moved into my place since it was bigger and I have kids and didn’t want to relocate them. We used all his furniture (including big screen tv-woohoo) in the living room, but kept my bedroom set. I also made room for him in my closet (not a whole lot if you ask him…lol) and cleaned my stuff out of his side night stand.
Post # 7
@Schatzie821: You are absolutely right, it’s an emotional change rather than a physical one. Ha, and boys truly don’t care about (or notice?) decorating, so i guess that’s not so important. And i forgot to mention, my (i mean OUR!) place is a tiny apartment, so i can’t really give him his own space, unfortunately, which is i guess what makes it hard.
@Neva: LOL, the puppy dog look! Your story sounds quite similar to mine…I have already given him a closet and half my drawers…i think i’m going to start referring to his place as “our other place” – i like that!
Post # 8
@littlemissmoo: that’s really cute! i like the way you guys announced it 🙂
Post # 9
@esqbee: We had a similar situation. I was in school (paid for by my parents) so we couldn’t “technically” live together. However, even though he had his own place, he basically lived with me.
Its hard to help make a guy feel at home because like you said, they don’t care about nesting/decorating. I think the biggest thing that helped for us was giving him his own closet, or specific places for “his” things. Guys say they don’t care, but tell him, “Hey babe, I found a place for you to keep you golf clubs”. He will feel right at home. Also, obviously make sure he has his own key to the place which helps a lot too.
Post # 10
Mine moved in with me only because I am an apartment manager. I would lose my job if I moved so…that bout says it all. However, lately I have been have been feeling weird about him being here. IDK why because he has been here for a year but everything still seems like mine and he is constantly asking me where to put stuff.
Post # 11
we had a similar situation; we both moved back to our hometown (he moved back into his parents) i got my own apt (cuz my parents had moved outta state)… so my apt was “my place” but he was there 5/7 days, almost every night, etc.
i dont think i ever referenced it as “our place” … it really was “my place” and we knew we were going to move into “our house” together so it wasnt a big deal. 😛
Post # 12
@missjyc: see, that’s exactly how i have been! but we recently decided that we’d be staying at this place for a bit longer than we originally thought and delaying getting a new place, so i guess now it’s time to really start thinking about it as “our” place.
It’s much cleaner when you move into a new place together, then it’s both of yours from the very beginning!
Post # 13
My husband moved into my house a month after we got engaged. Seeing as he moved from FL to KS he really didn’t have a house, as he was living with his brother and his family. I sometimes found myself still saying my house, because for 8 years it was my house and that was hard to change, but when he moved in we got rid of my furniture in the front room and moved his in and he pretty much got the whole basement to do what he wanted. In a few weeks we will be moving into our new place, which will be exciting.
Post # 14
My husband moved in four months after we got engaged. It was hard to start to think of my house as our house (after all, I bought it decorated it, and made it my home for 4 years before he moved in). I made space for him (closets, drawers, and cleared out one of the guest bedrooms for his office/man cave. I’ve also asked him what he wants to change about the house so he will feel at home. Frankly, he hasn’t suggested much. I’m sure now that the wedding is over and we have more free time, we’ll do a few more things to make our home more of us and less of me.
I did tell him that it was very important to me that he felt at home too. And if there was anything he wanted to change to let me know. I think the tipping point when he felt like it was our house, not my house is when he started to take care of the house (mow the lawn, change a burnt out lightbulb, etc, etc). Because you do those things when its your home.
Post # 15
We have always lived at my house. I had a house when we started dating he pretty much moved in right then. I sold it a year later and we moved into my new house. FH knows the houses will always be mine because he doesnt pay half and could never come up with the amount of money I put down to make it half his. Even after the wedding it will be mine and any other house we move into will also be mine.