Did your views on friends and family greatly change when you got married?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: When did your views on relationships with friends and family significantly change?
    It happened right when we got married, quite quickly. : (2 votes)
    4 %
    It happened slowly, as things led up to the alter. : (9 votes)
    18 %
    It happened slowly, over the months after the alter. : (5 votes)
    10 %
    They never changed that significantly. : (34 votes)
    68 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1021 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    No. Why would they?

    Post # 3
    Member
    7406 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    musicalsteve82:  If your attitude towards friends/family suddenly changes just because you couple up then I would say you weren’t a very good friend. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    I never understood this thought process. Why should things change just because you got hitched? My friends will still be my friends, my family is still my family. What about getting married is going to change this fact? My FI is not going to warp into my father, brother, uncle, or cousin. The only change I see is that our two families are now combined and have grown in size. 

    And as far as friendships go? I’d think that unless a friend severely had issues with FI for whatever reason or vice versa, they’ve already accepted each other and have dealt with the fact that nobody is going anywhere. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    No. I don’t understand why they would. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you metamorphasize into something that isn’t you. You don’t become, “Sally, Dan’s wife.” You’re still Sally and your marital status doesn’t change you from your core. If it does, then that speaks volumes about you, and not your friends. If one of my friends changed their opinion of me because they got married, I’d probably not want to be friends with that person in the first place.

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    Post # 6
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee

    Yes, for the better.  

    We had a fairly small wedding (about 40 people including the bridal party).  It just felt like this amazing weekend where everyone got really close and it hasn’t changed. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2328 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    musicalsteve82:  I think I understand what you’re saying. When you get married the relationship between you and your spouse should be your highest priority and it should come first. Not that you should stop all other relationships and never see anyone again but you are probably more likely to spend time with your spouse than a friend if you only have one spare moment of free time in a week.

    I would say my relationships with my friends and family did not become less important to me but rather my relationship with my husband became more important and I feel I should give the first of my free time to him. I still see my family (parents live reasonably close, rest live further away) and friends but these are at bi-monthly and weekly prearranged times (church, housegroup, dinner after work etc.) I am less likely to see my friends and family “socially” with nothing else going on now because that time is spent with DH. I will still see them if we arrange to, and in holidays, but not as much as before.

    Post # 8
    Member
    439 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Do you mean because of their lack of care about your wedding? Or just growing apart over time as you establish your own family?

    Post # 9
    Member
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    musicalsteve82:  Mine have been changing–from the time we were engaged to now a few months after being married. I find that I want to be a lot closer to family than before. I’ve been living away from home since I was 16 (except for some summers when I was younger), but the wedding planning process brought me closer to my mom and my sister and I really enjoy talking and being with them more, somehow. I also feel a lot closer to DH’s family now. I LOVE going to visit them–I suddenly have three new sisters! And a HUGE extended family that all live near DH’s family. Whenever we go to see them, I just love the feeling of being part of a warm and welcoming family like that. My family has always been small and far away from relatives, so it’s a new experience for me. I’m getting really excited about spending our first Christmas with them. 

    As for friends, I do find us wanting to hang out with couples more, even though they’re few and far between.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6525 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    j_jaye:  Well I think it depends on the situation. For instance, after I got back from my honeymoon I tried calling my best friend and she kept ignoring my phone calls. When I would finally get her she was very dismissive with me. 

    Eventually we spoke and she said things to me that were so hurtful, one of them being that she couldn’t stand to be around me because I was happy and she wasn’t. She resented me bc I was happy. Thats not a friend. There were a ton of things that she said to me throughout my wedding planning that didn’t click in my head until after the wedding. Like when she said “no one is excited to be a bridesmaid” <–that hurts. I picked to be a bridesmaid bc you mean a lot to me, and you could obviously care less that you are. She didn’t see that she was important to me

    musicalsteve82:  My views on friends changed. I realized that the friends who I thought were my friends weren’t. The people I surround myself with now are the ones who have been there for me all along and they are the ones that matter. Family is my #1 priority. I go out of my way for my friends and family bc I know they will do the same for me. But I don’t keep negative people in my life anymore. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3360 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I think relationships naturally change and evolve over time, but I don’t see why they would simply because you’re married.  My family and friends have always been very important to me.  They still are.  My husband was very important to me before we were married – he was my best friend, he’s who I spent the most time with, I cared about his opinions more than most others – and that has not changed.  I do believe that he and I should be each other’s first priorities now, and we are our own family, but that doesn’t make our friends and families less important.  Isolating yourself within one relationship is never healthy – I firmly believe that one person can never be all things for you.

    Post # 12
    Member
    7406 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Daizy914:  but that has nothing to do with your attitude and all to do with her. The question was about your attitude towards relationships changing and not someone else’s. Your friendship ended because your friend was a dick and had nothing to do with your attitude towards the relationship.

    Post # 14
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee

    My relationships changed significantly after meeting DH and I’m glad. Family became much more important and the friends we used to hit the bars and party with we still like just as much – but don’t see nearly as often. My choices now on how to spend my time are different. I am planning trips to see family with DH instead of trips to paradise with the girls, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Post # 15
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee

    P.S. I think this change is part of how I knew DH was the one for me and that I was ready for marriage.

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