Ahhh…of course. More than a year ago, I posted on here about this problem. But more than anything, the wedding just forced me to confront issues that I had long-ignored and settled on. My friend always kind of treated me poorly; I accepted it because I knew no better (he was one of the few close friends I ever had; we met as young children but became friends in high school). He was spoiled, patronizing, elitist and completely out of touch with the emotions of people around him. His feelings mattered, and that was all. He was routinely late for things (we carpooled to college one year, and every day it was my turn to drive, he was *way* late arriving. I remember calling so many times saying, “You’ve got two minutes, then I absolutely have to leave…” He’d always show at the last minute, and it was a mad scramble to get to class).
I got engaged and noticed that things suddenly became very icy (this former friend is gay, by the way, before that starts changing perceptions). While before he’d insisted he never wanted to get married, it wasn’t important to him, etc., I noticed that suddenly he was talking all of the time about the big wedding they wanted and so on. I also noticed that he would change the subject if my wedding ever came up. He refused to be involved in any way. Occasionally, if the wedding did come up, he would do his usual jealous routine of complaining about how it wasn’t for him and it was a waste of time (same thing he did when he dropped out of college and I finished).
We asked his boyfriend to officiate our wedding. That was a huge disaster. He became very domineering and controlling, which ended with him telling me that I was a “bad writer” (he believed we wrote our vows — we didn’t) in a very uncomfortable hangout session one night, and started mentioning all of the things that he was going to change. I gave it a day, reached out to the boyfriend again, and it was obvious he was going to stand his ground. So, I politely fired him and we went with my brother instead, which worked out great. Don’t regret it at all.
My pal tried to pretend that nothing had happened and chose not to acknowledge it at all, then as usual, turned every conversation all back to himself and how much fun he was having and the trip they had just been on, etc. I just started limiting contact because I knew I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with their bullshit less than 2 months before my wedding.
They never offered to repay the few hundred given for their ‘services’ — which ended up just being the boyfriend berating us during a hangout session one night (lesson learned: never pay ahead, even with friends!). They came to the wedding, ate, drank tons and tons of liquor, were caught visibly laughing during parts of the ceremony on-camera, and so forth.
They didn’t even bring a card. Nothing. So, they ended up with a free meal and about $300. Not bad! They were the only ones who made out in the green on it.
My ‘friend’ has texted me twice since that incident. If this puts it into perspective:
Text #1 came in about a week before his birthday and 3 or so months after the wedding, during which time we didn’t talk. As in years past, I suspect this was his attempt to remind me of it (I’d usually bake a cake, bring a bottle of liquor, take him out to lunch, etc., while he would occasionally make me a card or something). On his birthday, feeling guilty, I simply sent a ‘happy birthday’ text.
Text #2 came on his boyfriend’s birthday, asking me what I was up to. Again, I suspect this was a, “Remember, it’s his birthday!” as the year prior, I brought two bottles of liquor for his boyfriend’s birthday, and we paid to take them out to dinner. I didn’t respond to this one…it came on a very bad day, as I was moving and a pet had died that afternoon.
We have not had contact in about 6 months or so now. My birthday’s going to hit in the next month, so I’m curious as to whether or not I’ll be getting any texts (almost certainly not!).
But, I can’t say these issues weren’t there all along. He was always self-centered. He was very good at making passive-aggressive jabs, and I’d just stay quiet, thinking, “Maybe he didn’t MEAN it that way…”
He also did something incredibly cruel to me. I am an atheist, and spent many, many years living in the closet, especially when I lived at home with my parents. I knew they would flip their crap if they found out.
When I was in high school, I had a crush on my gay-pal. I mentioned seeing him on the way home once, and my mom asked me to point him out. When I did, she said, “He’s gay.” I told her he wasn’t. Well, about two years later, I’d find out myself. Not thinking, I told my friend, “I had strong suspicions. My mom knew, too.” He immediately launched into, “How did she know?” Uh…how do you kindly tell someone, she had perception, and you don’t exactly…hide it. In retrospect, it should’ve been very obvious to me too. I answered, “She just knew,” but I think he suspected I told her.
Which then leads me to my next point. I’m pretty sure he simmered over that for nearly 2 years. One day, while sitting in my parents’ house, my mom started talking about religion. My friend turned to me and loudly announced, “YOU don’t believe in that, do you?” over and over again. I eyeballed him nervously and muttered, “Yes.” He kept pressing and laughing about it. Well, that planted the seed, and that’s how my mother learned that I was an atheist. I think he did that to get his revenge…and it ended up causing me a year or two of near-nonstop pain and misery.
BUT, onto cheerier things. Yes, in a way, my wedding ‘ruined’ a friendship. Occasionally, I still miss him. I think I will always love and care about him, but then I am instantly reminded that I feel so much better about myself without him. He needed to go.