Did your wedding cost you any friendships?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I haven’t had my wedding yet, but what I have observed from being in others’ weddings is that it tends to bring out who they truly are….sometimes that means a spoiled brat that thinks EVERYONE show bow down to her regardless of anything else going on. 

Your particular story really hits home for me. I lost my dad when I was a kid, because he was waiting for a transplant. If she couldn’t understand that you needed to be there for your dad, she clearly was not that great of a friend in the first place. Five months is plenty notice. 

Post # 4
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@NATO:  What a boitch. How about her supporting you? Good riddance to a “friend” like that.

Fortunately my friends don’t have unrealistic expectations and our friendships survived my wedding, and theirs.

Post # 6
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - saint patricks parish

I actually lost some and gained some I didn’t even know I had! I had to fire a bridesmaid though cause she said I looked like a cow in my engagement photos while everybody else said they were beautiful. 

Post # 7
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@NATO:  I was wronged by someone who I thought would be my moh, she acted poorly and I actually got engaged a few weeks after our fight. I, being the bigger person , let her know of the engagement assuming she would apologize and be there for me. WRONG… Haven’t heard from her since except half ass congrats and happy bday texts. What a bitch! Especially since I busted my ass for her wedding. I’m not sad because she has been a crappy friend for awhile so even if she apologizes now- she wasn’t there for me when needed her most. Done and done.

i wasn’t even in the wrong but if she had let me know of life changing event (ie pregnant) then I would have called her. Friendship has to be both ways and like your friend was so obsessed with herself, so was mine. It’s really better off in the long run.

Post # 8
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Nope, no lost friendships 

Post # 9
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@NATO:  Yes. Still dealing with drama and the fallout. My dear friend and college roommate assumed she would be a bridesmaid in my wedding. If my wedding was for more than 20 people, absolutely yes, she would have been invited to be a BM. She found out over the weekend that she’s not included, flipped her shit, berated my wedding, and now we aren’t talking. 

Post # 10
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

Yeah. My friend got married a year ago. I was there every time she tried to cheat on her FI but kept my mouth shut. She begged to get engaged and yet even tried to get with my FI friend. Her husband is a suuuuper nice guy and we wish he really knew her, but it wasn’t our place. I sent her wedding gift in the mail a month or so before hand and attended her bridal shower (even her bridesmaids didn’t) . She had the audacity to make a rude comment about the gift I got her…umm…it was on her registry. when I didn’t go to her bachelorette party,  she told me to not come to her wedding and called me and my FI a bunch of names. Safe to say, I haven’t spoken to her since. Glad she got all my presents though!

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

That’s terrible!

To answer your question: No.. although my MOH gets under my skin (as I’m sure I’m getting under hers). She wants to help with the planning, but at times she has overstepped me in trying to make important decisions. She’s the type of person that says whats on her mind and doesn’t really realize what she said until after she said it. For example, she told me after seeing my engagment photos that I need to lose weight because I look blown up like a balloon and nobody wants to look like a balloon on their wedding day. My weight yo-yoing has always been an issue with me and she knows this, yet she still makes a comment like that? She’s mentioned my dress isn’t the most flattering (my 2nd one, she likes the 1st better). However, like I said, I’m sure through this process and as the wedding gets closer I’ve had and will continue to have my bridezilla moments. It’s not worth ending a 7 year friendship over imo

 

Post # 12
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Yes I have. One of my friends was suppose to be a bridesmaid but dropped out. Lied to me and told me she was getting her cat spayed but turned out she couldn’t afford to be in the wedding. Every time I tried hanging out with her afterwards she never had time to hang out or do anything with me,it was all focused on her husband and taking care of him since he was in a car accident in august 2013. I just couldn’t deal with her constant drama about everything and making me feel sorry for her because she doesn’t have any friends and has no kids. I have a 17 month old daughter and I felt like she was jealous of me and she reminded me everyday that she doest have any kids. I just figured that if she really wanted to be my friend she would have made more of an effort to be my friend and make time to hang out with me instead of making excuses why she couldn’t. I ended the friendship and haven’t spoken to her since. I feel I made the right choice. 

Post # 13
Member
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

@NATO:  No lost friendships… yet.

I’m starting to regret my MOH decision. I would still like the girl to be a bridesmaid, but I wish I wouldn’t have asked her to be MOH. My sister was going to be my MOH, but that’s a whole different story that I dont’ have time to tell.

My MOH hasn’t really done much to help me with the wedding. BM 2 is planning the shower, and BM 1 is planning the bachelorette party. They kind of just took over the planning because they knew it needed to be done and MOH wasn’t getting the ball rolling.

And MOH has really been getting on my nerves lately. She is also planning her wedding (4 months after mine) and has become really judgy about the details of my wedding. She’s very argumentative and won’t drop arguments unless you basically admit that she is right (even though she rarely is). Ugh. Frustrating. Undecided

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Ahhh…of course. More than a year ago, I posted on here about this problem. But more than anything, the wedding just forced me to confront issues that I had long-ignored and settled on. My friend always kind of treated me poorly; I accepted it because I knew no better (he was one of the few close friends I ever had; we met as young children but became friends in high school). He was spoiled, patronizing, elitist and completely out of touch with the emotions of people around him. His feelings mattered, and that was all. He was routinely late for things (we carpooled to college one year, and every day it was my turn to drive, he was *way* late arriving. I remember calling so many times saying, “You’ve got two minutes, then I absolutely have to leave…” He’d always show at the last minute, and it was a mad scramble to get to class). 

I got engaged and noticed that things suddenly became very icy (this former friend is gay, by the way, before that starts changing perceptions). While before he’d insisted he never wanted to get married, it wasn’t important to him, etc., I noticed that suddenly he was talking all of the time about the big wedding they wanted and so on. I also noticed that he would change the subject if my wedding ever came up. He refused to be involved in any way. Occasionally, if the wedding did come up, he would do his usual jealous routine of complaining about how it wasn’t for him and it was a waste of time (same thing he did when he dropped out of college and I finished). 

We asked his boyfriend to officiate our wedding. That was a huge disaster. He became very domineering and controlling, which ended with him telling me that I was a “bad writer” (he believed we wrote our vows — we didn’t) in a very uncomfortable hangout session one night, and started mentioning all of the things that he was going to change. I gave it a day, reached out to the boyfriend again, and it was obvious he was going to stand his ground. So, I politely fired him and we went with my brother instead, which worked out great. Don’t regret it at all. 

My pal tried to pretend that nothing had happened and chose not to acknowledge it at all, then as usual, turned every conversation all back to himself and how much fun he was having and the trip they had just been on, etc. I just started limiting contact because I knew I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with their bullshit less than 2 months before my wedding. 

They never offered to repay the few hundred given for their ‘services’ — which ended up just being the boyfriend berating us during a hangout session one night (lesson learned: never pay ahead, even with friends!). They came to the wedding, ate, drank tons and tons of liquor, were caught visibly laughing during parts of the ceremony on-camera, and so forth. 

They didn’t even bring a card. Nothing. So, they ended up with a free meal and about $300. Not bad! They were the only ones who made out in the green on it. 

My ‘friend’ has texted me twice since that incident. If this puts it into perspective:

Text #1 came in about a week before his birthday and 3 or so months after the wedding, during which time we didn’t talk. As in years past, I suspect this was his attempt to remind me of it (I’d usually bake a cake, bring a bottle of liquor, take him out to lunch, etc., while he would occasionally make me a card or something). On his birthday, feeling guilty, I simply sent a ‘happy birthday’ text. 

Text #2 came on his boyfriend’s birthday, asking me what I was up to. Again, I suspect this was a, “Remember, it’s his birthday!” as the year prior, I brought two bottles of liquor for his boyfriend’s birthday, and we paid to take them out to dinner. I didn’t respond to this one…it came on a very bad day, as I was moving and a pet had died that afternoon.

We have not had contact in about 6 months or so now. My birthday’s going to hit in the next month, so I’m curious as to whether or not I’ll be getting any texts (almost certainly not!). 

But, I can’t say these issues weren’t there all along. He was always self-centered. He was very good at making passive-aggressive jabs, and I’d just stay quiet, thinking, “Maybe he didn’t MEAN it that way…”

He also did something incredibly cruel to me. I am an atheist, and spent many, many years living in the closet, especially when I lived at home with my parents. I knew they would flip their crap if they found out. 

When I was in high school, I had a crush on my gay-pal. I mentioned seeing him on the way home once, and my mom asked me to point him out. When I did, she said, “He’s gay.” I told her he wasn’t. Well, about two years later, I’d find out myself. Not thinking, I told my friend, “I had strong suspicions. My mom knew, too.” He immediately launched into, “How did she know?” Uh…how do you kindly tell someone, she had perception, and you don’t exactly…hide it. In retrospect, it should’ve been very obvious to me too. I answered, “She just knew,” but I think he suspected I told her. 

Which then leads me to my next point. I’m pretty sure he simmered over that for nearly 2 years. One day, while sitting in my parents’ house, my mom started talking about religion. My friend turned to me and loudly announced, “YOU don’t believe in that, do you?” over and over again. I eyeballed him nervously and muttered, “Yes.” He kept pressing and laughing about it. Well, that planted the seed, and that’s how my mother learned that I was an atheist. I think he did that to get his revenge…and it ended up causing me a year or two of near-nonstop pain and misery. 

BUT, onto cheerier things. Yes, in a way, my wedding ‘ruined’ a friendship. Occasionally, I still miss him. I think I will always love and care about him, but then I am instantly reminded that I feel so much better about myself without him. He needed to go.

Post # 15
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunately I did. I feel a lot like you do… it’s only been 3 months since our friendship officially ended, but more than a year since the friendship started going down hill. I think about her all the time, about the good times we had, about how much I miss my best friend. 

Once I met DH she got a bit weird. Didn’t really want anything to do with him… but she was still my good, best friend. She would have been my MOH except that she started acting strange when I moved in with DH. Things got so different between us… so when I got engaged I couldn’t chance that having her in the wedding would change things that much. So I asked her to be a bridesmaid. Being in the wedding DID change her though… but not for good. She got worse. It was like she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Long story short, she didn’t order her dress on time and we mutually decided she wouldn’t be in the wedding. (I told her it wasn’t going to work out and she basically said ‘Yeah, i was waiting for you to bring it up’.

I didn’t hear from her again until she called me before the wedding (6 months later) and apologized and asking if I really wanted her there, since I’d sent her an invite. I said yes, I wanted her there. That’s why I invited her. She said she’d come… but she didn’t. She called the day after the wedding and said she got the days mixed up. 

I texted her telling her I understood and she never replied. 

So our friendship just kind of ended. I was and still am pissed to say the least. She went from being my best friend to the worst friend in such a short period of time. I wonder why it happened the way it did. It makes me sad that DH never really got to see the side of her that I saw… my best friend. I think it was jealousy that tore us apart. It’s the only thing that makes any sense.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I haven’t read all of the comments here, but did read a few and couldn’t stand it anymore. Why are women so mean to each other?! I am 29 and over the years I have been treated poorly by my fair share of female ‘friends’. I literally have one female friend who I have been friends with for 25 years and who has never ever done anything to betray me or treat me like crap, etc. That is not to say we haven’t had disagreements, but nothing beyond what should be of the norm for somebody who is supposed to be your friend and care about you! She is, of course, in my wedding. 

My other only female friend is somebody who I met just over a year ago, but she is mature and kind and would never treat me the way some of these women treat each other. She is also in my wedding. 

Beyond that, I have no female friends for these exact reasons. If people treat me like this, they are not my friends, period! I have plenty of female acquaintances – peripheral friends who I spend time with in groups – but I have had enough bad experiences to know the red flags before delving into real friendships that go beyond the superficial going for drinks and having a good time. 

Sorry, that was a rant but it just blows me away how some people treat each other. 

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