Didn't change my last name, but everyone acts like I did

posted 2 years ago in Names
  • poll: How do people react to to your "Non-name-change"?
    I almost never get called by my husband's last name : (3 votes)
    3 %
    I sometimes get called by my husband's last name, but it's mostly rare : (23 votes)
    19 %
    I always get called by my husband's last name. It's like I DID change it! : (9 votes)
    8 %
    I chose to change my name (or I plan to) : (83 votes)
    70 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3713 posts
    Sugar bee

    I got married 37 years ago and didn’t change my last name. If I remember correctly, over 75% of our wedding cards were addressed to Mr/Mrs as well as the gift checks. I had to sign using my name and also sign again, using his last name.

    To this day people adrress things to Mr/Mrs His Name, or hyphenate my name. (Our daughters were given hyphenated last names His last-My last). My mother in law is one of the last holdouts. I usually get my girls’ last name, on birthday cards. Pretty silly, because her other daughter in law didn’t change her last name and her kids are hyphens (her last – his last).

    It takes awhile to get everyone onboard. Some never make the effort, because they don’t agree with you, which is a real pain. It may have been easier for me because we live in an area where my family is located – my mother has lived in the same house for 60 years, so I think he’s known more as PABride’s husband, then I’m known as Mr.’s wife.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1796 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Yep it happens all the time. One of my friends didn’t change her name and EVERYONE refers to her as ”Mrs Husbandsname”..  so..I’m afraid it’s something that you will most likely keep coming across and will need to keep correcting people..

    Post # 4
    Member
    3351 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think they probably just assume. I haven’t gone through this yet but I probably will.

    I thought it was pretty common to keep your last name, but a recent post on weddingbee showed me otherwise. I made a post asking whether the bees and their friends changed their names and out of around 90 posts there were only a handful who either kept their name or knew someone who did. It really surprised me, but the vast, vast majority of women still change their name so unfortunately, people will probably just make the assumption that you did too.

    Do you correct people when they get it wrong?

    Post # 5
    Member
    7098 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Well, out of the ~70 couples that we invited to our wedding, only one woman had kept her maiden name. Around here it is not that common, and unless I was specifically told otherwise I would assume she took his name.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1473 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think that’s common. If people don’t know, they’ll assume. Not everyone thinks about checking facebook. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2895 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Even before we were married, I started getting invites to events as Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname.  Most of these events were set for after we got married.  I did change my name (hyphanted Mylast-hislast), but it was very wierd that the assumption started before we were even married.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2581 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    mscuppycake:  It hasn’t been a problem massively yet, since we’re not getting married until Saturday, but I’m planning to hyphenate, and we’ve already been sent two cheques made out to Mr and Mrs P—– which we will never be able to deposit, the bank won’t accept them because it’s not my surname – and it never will be. We really appreciate these gifts, and I feel so ungrateful having to tell people we need them to write new ones because that’s not going to be my name…

    Post # 10
    Member
    13020 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    chronicwhimsy:  Are banks really that picky?  I’ve never had a problem depositing checks.  When we got checks for our engagement party addresssed as “mr & ms hislast name”, he deposited it all and I never had to sign.  When we got checks addressed to the same, “mr and mrs his last name” or even “mr and mrs hisfirstname his last name” before I had even changed my name with social secuirty and my bank and eveyrthing, I had no problems depositing them all.  And I’ve never endorsed/signed the back of any checks.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    mscuppycake:  We’ve been married for 2 years and I get this a lot! Some of it is “malicious” as I have a few family members that have made it abundantly clear that they do not respect my decision to keep my name, so they make it a point to write “Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname” on all mail sent to us. Some of it is totally harmless.  Most of it is family, since it’s pretty uncommon in my social circle for the woman to change her last name.

    I didn’t think it would bother me at all but sometimes I do a slight side eye: when the name actually matters and I wish the person would’ve bothered to notice that “Mrs. Hislastname” is not really my name (like on something where they’re going to cross-reference the name with my ID), in formal settings (where I should actually be Dr. Mylastname) or when things are addressed Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname, as if I’ve completely lost my name all together.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Yup. I went through the exact same thing (and still am, to some extent, 4 years later). It doesn’t really make me mad either (I guess — if I’m feeling grumpy it does 🙂 ), but it just kind of baffles me. 

    I think people, especially older or more traditional people, just assume you took your husband’s last name. 

    Once I had a family member email me and ask me what my new last name is, because she didn’t know my husband’s last name. I thought it was kind of funny that she did that, because my email address, and the name that shows up for me, is my birth name. Same as always. It’s just funny; people can be blind to the most obvious thing when they are expecting to see something else. 

    I haven’t had the heart to correct my aunts and cousins and other folks who get it wrong. I just wish people would ASK before assuming. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    chronicwhimsy:  You can still cash those. We got checks like that, too. I just took them to my bank (Citibank) and explained that I’d gotten married and people assumed my name had changed. I think I had to show them my marriage license. They were totally understanding — I think it happens a lot. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    506 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    chronicwhimsy:  Like PP said, you can still deposit those. It’s been over a year since I married, and while I did change my name, I haven’t gotten around to changing it on my bank account (lazy, I know), and I’ve never had a problem with depositing a check with my married name on it, including a very large one from my former employer when I quit my previous job. Cashing a check might be a different situation, though.

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