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honestly, before I got engaged and starting reasearching weddings 24/7 I didn't know that if you responded "no" or even if you were invited, that you're supposed to still give a gift. Maybe people just don't know?
I had two people RSVP yes but didn't come and I didn't even get a "sorry we couldn't make it" or even a congratulations from them, not on the phone or even on those social websites, let alone a card, so I definitely know how you feel. (we had a small wedding too) It sucks, but oh well. You can never know what their reasons are, but it's probably safe to say it's nothing personal. Just shrug it off, like we did, and bask in your memories of the amazing day :)
I know how you feel. There are a handful of people who didn't respond except to say "no" for us, and even people who did come -- but didn't step aside to say a kind word or leave a card, much less a gift. I can tell that for you it's not about the gift, and it's not like that for me either, but a little congrats is always appreciated!!
I didn't know you were supposed to send a card/gift if you don't attend the wedding. It's obviously a nice gesture but I didn't really think it was required.
Try to focus on all the people that were there to share your day!
That stinks that people cant even take the time to RSVP even if it is no. My FI friend who is getting married in 2 weeks called us because they thought we did not rsvp when in fact I sent the card 4 weeks ago. They later apologized the just put us in the mix with my FI other close friends who never rsvp. It is rude, you are spending the money on the invitation and even provide postage. That being said though, even though you are invited to a wedding whether or not you go or dont, you are NOT required to give a gift. At least thats what I researched and even found that on here. I usually do and its a nice gesture, but I know plenty of people who have gone to weddings and did not give gifts.
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I wouldn't take it too personally - like some of the others I had no idea you're supposed to send something even if you RSVP no. They might just not be aware, or since they didn't attend it might have just slipped their mind. I'm sure they didn't realize they might be doing something that would hurt your feelings!
I had no idea you were supposed to RSVP, just show up on the day of the wedding. I didn't find out till I started planning my own wedding.
I know that some of my uncles, aunts, and cousins I would have liked to have come couldn't come because they live in China, which is lightyears away from here and it costs each person almost $2000 just to fly out here.
So I wouldn't really take it seriously.
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I disagree with the part where people should give a gift even if they don't go. If you want to give a gift, sure. But why should someone feel obligated? If that's the case, what's to keep people from inviting folks just for the gift? (Ie. OOT you know won't come.) I just think it should be something to do, if you want. There have been weddings I've declined, and haven't sent a gift. No regrets here.
In your case, chaikac, since it was a small wedding, and everyone invited was close to you, I can understand your feelings. It's not like you were inviting these random friends of your parents or cousins you've met twice in your life.
In general, I think couples should cut guests some slack. It seems contradictory for a bride to feel slighted if guests decline (with or without a gift), but then feel people should be understanding if they don't make the guest list, for whatever reason. In both cases it boils down to the same thing. People feeling like they're not being valued by another person as much as they value that person.
I don't expect people who do not come to give a gift (unless it's an aunt or uncle, perhaps). The worst is when people RSVP yes (after deadline, naturally), and then don't bother to show up, let alone get us a gift. So we pay for their meals and don't receive anything in return! Now that's an expensive guest!
I don't feel slighted when I receive a "no" response, it's just when I don't receive any response.
I certainly do not expect people who do not come to the wedding to send a gift or a card. The few times I RSVP-ed no, I sent a card, that's it.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we are requesting no gifts and our wedding is not a small one.
I didn't know that you *should* send a gift if you RSVP no. Sometimes I RSVP no to acquaintences weddings for the sheer fact that I don't WANT to get them a gift b/c they aren't close enough for me to render spending the money on them. We're talking people that I think i was invited to just to be invited, though. I wouldn't worry too much about it though! It just sucks when people don't acknowledge this big event in your life, right?
I do think it's poopy when people RSVP yes then don't come at all! Or no RSVP at all. C'mon, that's just rude. It's not so hard to do the online RSVP thing or call at 11am when we're all at work =]
We had about 50 No's to our wedding. I've received a sprinkling of gifts from small gift cards to hand crocheted (is that spelled right? I keep seeing crotch, lol) blankets and I mean like, 3. No biggee.
I don't think we should expect everyone on our list to necessarily send us gifts and/or phone calls and/or cards if they aren't coming though. Nice gesture, but not necessary or expected.
We had only one couple that did not come to the wedding actually send a gift. We had about 50% of our guests that DID come not bring a gift or even a card! We have had a few things roll in since the wedding, but still have not gotten ANYTHING from about 1/3 of the people that were AT our wedding. The biggest shocks were from couples whose weddings we had been to in the past year before ours and gave VERY generous gifts to them. I was amazed that people didn't even spend the $1.99 to buy a card and would have appreciated the thought that they remembered where they were going and stopped on their way to our open bar.
It was only even since I started planning a wedding that I realized the importance of RSVPs and before then I probably would have never thought to even send a gift to a wedding we didn't go to. I'm much more on top of things now that I've gone through it!
hmm I didn't know that you were supposed to send a card and a gift if you RSVPed no. I've never done that and I don't think I would expect anyone to do that. For example, if I was invited to a birthday and didn't go I wouldn't send a gift, (unless it was a VERY close friend).
Don't get to upset over it. I'm sure most people don't know that they're supposed to.
Im in the same boat as @kim0309. Many people came and didnt bring gifts, or even cards...some people werent even invited and they didnt think to bring a card with them. I didnt expect people who didnt come to send gifts, but some did. In general, I dont think you should expect anything, especially from people who did not attend.
I've declined weddings where I didnt send a card nor a gift. An invitation isn't a means to a card or gift I think... if I wasn't that close to that person, I typically don't respond outside of writing a message of congratulations on the decline RSVP.
t/j: I'm still laughing right now @Ejs4y8's issue with receiving the "crotch"-eted blanket!!! TOO FUNNY!
Many hugs to you Chaikac..I know it was hurtful to hear nothing from them at all.
But don't forget..etiquette dictates they can give a gift up to six months (max is a year) after a wedding! My grandmother told me that long, long ago. Heck when I married my xh, I got five or six presents almost a year later! They were nice china (my Lenox pattern).
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with a few of you and say it's tacky not to at least send a card (or even handwrite a message on the rsvp) if you are not attending the wedding. Especially tacky to just ignore the invite and not rsvp or send a card.
We are having a smaller wedding of 65-75 people and our invitations with postage cost roughly $30 per person. We handpicken the people we invited because they all really mean something to us. So, if we don't receive an rsvp (yah or nay), I'll be a little miffed. A little congrats in response to the effort would be appropriate. That said, I've already received an RSVP from a cousin that until recently (she moved to another state) I was very close to and flew to Hawaii for her wedding, that just checked the "no, we can't make it" line with no message or further ado. That one kind of hurt.
I think it really depends how close you are to the person though. If i'm close to the person, I feel obligated to send a card or note. If it's like, so-and-so from high school that i haven't talked to in over 5 years, well....I can't say I feel like i was on the "intimate" guest list.
@mkendrick -I'll agree with you. I don't think I've ever returned an RSVP without some sort of congratulatory message on it. I probably wouldn't send a card unless it was someone I was sending a check to though. (Just me.) But I understand feeling hurt if someone just checks "no", with nothing else. It's kind of like, if you had a conversation. "Would you like to come to my party?" And the person just says, "No". And walks away. People just don't do it. If they don't want to come, they make up a polite excuse.
Chaikac- I can see why you were upset people who you were close to didn't even send a card since you had a smaller, more intimate gathering. But maybe there's still time for them send you a congratulatory card or something because I see that you just got married in May. We got married in March and we got stuff in the mail at least a month or so afterwards. But we had some people who did attend the wedding, who were close friends--- who didn't even get us a card. That made me a little sad. But things come up in people's lives and maybe they just got busy. ? Anyway, kudos to you for already writing your thank you cards!!
Thanks everyone for the replies! It is interesting to see the different opinions on this. Personally, from now on if I decline a wedding invite - I am going to send a separate card and either a gift or gift card. I think a wedding is a bigger ocassion than a birthday party....so it warrants recognition if those people think you were special enough to invite you in the first place.
Perhaps it is just my family, but I always thought it was apporpriate to send a card/gift even when you decline an invitation. At very least, I would send a card (It costs under $5 with postage in most cases and takes 15 minutes or less to send). I do not think the OP was looking for gifts, just expressing disappointment that her wedding was not acknowledged by those she feels are close to her. I can totally understand being bummed by that.
I've done both - sent a card and not sent a card, after RSVPing no. I think in these modern times people express their congrats in less formal ways. As we're getting close to our wedding (which is big, 225 ppl invited), I know some aunts and uncles won't make it. I do expect them to send a check, but I also have friends who can't come who I won't expect anything from. If these are people really close to you, maybe you should plan to see them soon after the wedding, I'm sure they would love to celebrate with you but probably don't want to impose on your time as a newlywed.
A wedding gift is not mandatory (which I can see that the original poster knows, given that she mentioned "card or gift). That having been said, if you're going to RSVP "no" to a wedding, you should at least send a card or scribble "Sorry we can't make it; have a marvelous day" on the reply card if you're not going to send a present. I am admittedly lazy about sending cards, but I send presents to weddings that I can't attend, so I figure I'm off the hook for the card.
That having been said, the fiance and I just gave a wedding gift to a couple whose wedding we attended about four months ago. Fiance actually got the gift right after the wedding; he's just been trying to find a time to get together with them to give them the gift. (I made him a deal: After we're married, I'll handle the joint gift purchases, but we will be having them shipped directly. :) ) There's a reason that registries stay open for two years or so -- some people take a REALLY long time to get you a gift. I've taken up to six months before. Think of it this way -- getting late gifts allows you to space out the thank-you note writing!
But do keep in mind that people have different mental contexts for weddings. I'm from the South; I never went to a wedding with fewer than 200 people until I was in my 20s (and that was in the Northeast). I do know that plenty of people have weddings at which <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">every person invited is someone the marrying couple especially cherishes, but that is not my general wedding experience. I'm more used to weddings at which some of the people invited are dear friends of the bride and groom, some are friends of parents who may or may not know the bride and groom, and some are friendly/professional acquaintances of the bride and groom. If people are used to big weddings, they may think that one person or couple not attending isn't a big deal -- in fact, if they're used to weddings in which the bride and groom are crossing their fingers that not everyone invited comes, lest the wedding venue/budget be exceeded, they may think they're doing the bride and groom a favor of some sort.
One more note: I think this is why Miss Manners doesn't like reply cards. *I* like reply cards, and will be sending them with my invitations, but they do allow guests to forego having to write anything personal to indicate their ability or inability to attend. If you're going to provide guests with a method of RSVPing that doesn't require them to do anything more than check a box, lick an envelope and drop a letter in the mail, then at least some of them are probably going to take the path of least resistance and just do that and nothing more. My wedding is large enough that I won't be devastated by people RSVPing "no" without a further note; I'm going to be swamped come RSVP time, and I accept the tradeoffs involved in using reply cards, because the RSVP process would be unmanageable without them. But if you're having a more intimate wedding, you might consider skipping the RSVP cards and just writing RSVP info on the invitation. Yes, your RSVP rate will probably be a bit lower than with reply cards, but people declining will have to do so in a somewhat more human manner (whether it be by card or by telling you when you call that they can't attend). Something for brides who dislike un-personalized "no" responses to think about, anyway...
To the original poster: I agree with you. If you receive a wedding invitation, a thank you card and/or gift should be provided. I was actually rather taken aback with the number of posters who did not know that it's proper etiquette to send a gift and/or a card. Etiquette is synonymous with caring and having consideration for others. Just because "everyone else" does not give a gift or send a thank you card doesn't it mean it's okay for me to follow suit.
I hadn't thought about this before, but I have definitely responded "no" to invitations in the past and not sent an extra card of gift. I agree with those who have said that I think the gift/card thing depends on how close you are with the invitee. If the person were a close friend or family member, I would probably send something. Otherwise, I feel like a nice note on the reply card is sufficient. Now, I definitely have a problem with people who don't send the reply card back or those who RSVP "yes" but don't show up, but that's a whole other thread.
I'm sorry that you were bummed out, Chaikac. If you kept the guest list small, it's understandable that you would have expected to hear something from those folks. FWIW, we had a smallish guest list (117 invited, 86 attended) and we only received one card/gift from someone who didn't attend.
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I'm working on my Thank you cards. And I really am surprised by the number of people who we invited and they didn't come and didn't send us a card or gift (over 10 people). I've only been invited to one wedding where I RSVPed 'No' and I sent a card and gift. I know that people have time to still send something - and I know that I shouldn't expect it - but I'm just shocked by it. We kept our wedding relatively small - so these are people that I actually know (expect for maybe 1 or 2), and I guess it sort-of hurts my feelings that I didn't at least get a card from them.
Anyone else have the same reaction?
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