(Closed) Didn't get even a card from 25% of our guests

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Gifting at a wedding isn’t about an even trade. They came and celerated with you! You threw a big party to celebrate your wedding! SOme people just don’t give cards. Some people wait a month, 2 months etc after the wedding (you technically have a year to give a gift). Some people give a gift at the shower and view that as their whole gift and then give nothing at the wedding.

My point is: you threw a wedding to get married. Not to keep score. Focus on the good stuff from the day!

Post # 4
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You are about to get lambasted for even insinuating that you expected a gift.

While it isn’t required to give a gift, it is a little hurtful that they didn’t even get you a card. However, maybe they were too embarassed to give you an empty card, so they just thought you wouldn’t notice?

Post # 5
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s hurtful, of course, but given how many folks from one specific side of the family didn’t give a gift or a card, I’d reckon that it’s just not customary in their social circle, and let it slide. If they don’t know to at least give a card, then they’re not going to stumble on that idea on their own unfortunately.

My sister, also MoH, has told me she’s using her year— technically she does have a full year to make her gift— she wants to do something really special for us. Perhaps your sister has the same plan?

Post # 6
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

PP’s, she’s complaining about not getting cards, she’s NOT complaining about not getting gifts, she said she didn’t expect gifts from everyone.

 

I know how you feel, I’m sad that some of my friends and family didn’t get us cards because I like to keep them.  I’m going to make a book that I saw on Pinterest of wedding cards so I am kind of sad I won’t have cards from certain important people to me and us in that book.

Post # 7
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That is horrible, how are there so many poorly mannered people in this world? You never attend ANYTHING empty-handed, ever, that is just tacky and rude!

How does it make sense to anyone that something that happens yearly gets a gift and a card, but something that happens once in someone’s (hopefully) life gets nothing.

Wedding=equal giving the couple a card of congratulations, and as far as I’m concerned any guest not giving a card is their way of not approving of the union.

Post # 8
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Did they express verbally their well wishes?  I suspect that they did. 

A card is not a gift, but rather personal correspondence, which they may have given your verbally.

 

Post # 10
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We had a few people come without a gift or a card. I’m not mad at them really, I’m more just shocked at their lack of decent etiquette. That said, I’ve sent a present later to the couple so that may still happen in your case.

I also feel differently about bms. Only a couple of my bms gave me gifts, but they all spent so much money, time and energy on my wedding that I’m not about to be upset with them

Post # 11
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hmmm… thinking about it, my MOH didn’t give a gift or a card in celebration of my wedding.  And I gave her a nice attendant gift.  But you know what she DID give me (and I suspect nearly every MOH gives her bride)?  Time, support, love, encouragement, a sounding board when I was going wedding-crazy, and a great big smile as I was about to lose it and cry while walking down the aisle. 

For these reasons I chose to giver her a token of my love for her and appreciation… I decided how much to spend on that token (and if I chose to be more extravagant then that’s 100% not something MOH had any control over).

My bestie didn’t NEED to give me a card – she stood beside me, she held my flowers and straightened my necklace, and gave me a giant hug with tears in her eyes.  I KNOW that she was thrilled and excited for me.  I didn’t need a hallmark with a cute saying on it in order to know how much we mean to each other. 

I’m pretty laid back when it comes to most things, so this was the reaction that I naturally had to anyone who hugged me but didn’t send a card or gift… It’s not a snub.

Also, realize that a lot of current wedding customs are foriegn to guests who haven’t planned a wedding recently.  Things have changed since our parents got married, and single people don’t study wedding trends or norms.  And, as @andielovesj: pointed out, a card isn’t a gift; sending a card to celebrate a wedding isn’t required, although providing your well wishes is. If your group of friends and family aren’t the type to send birthday cards or Christmas cards – or bread and butter notes after being invited to dinner at someone’s home – then the thought to give a wedding card may never have crossed their mind… After all they saw you and celebrated with you!

Post # 12
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honestly, maybe it didn’t even occur to your MOH to get you a card because she thought she made her support and love clear by standing next to you on your wedding day.  However, I can’t believe your other guests showed up with out even a card.  I think that is incredibly rude.

Post # 14
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry your MOH was such a disappointment! I’d be pretty hurt about the cards too, where I’m from it is extremely rude to not give the bride and groom something, even if it is just a card. I will be really sad if any of our guests don’t think to even give us a card to congratulate. Although, reading through some of the boards here, it seems shockingly common for people to do that! I think people just don’t pay much attention to etiquette anymore / don’t realize how much work goes into planning a wedding. It sounds like you were extremely accomodating to your guests. Try to take comfort in the fact that you did a great job hosting…but your husband’s right there’s nothing you can do. : (

Post # 15
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Times are tough and people are cutting back.  Also, alot of people live by the 1 year to get you gift.

Post # 16
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Everytime someone asks my FH what we want for a gift, he replies with “you don’t need to bring a gift, we just want everyone there to celebrate and have fun”.  He doesn’t know any better, and even he has it right.  Cards, gifts, etc will just be the cherry on top of one of the best days of my life. 

I was raised to give a card and cash ($50-$100/person depending on relationship)…but not everyone was raised that way (FH).  It’s always good to go in with no expectations — feelings don’t get hurt that way. 

In my case, we have about 96 people who will be giving us 4-7+ hours of their time to celebrate with us…I can’t criticize them, or think lesser of them, b/c they don’t show up with a card. My mom will..but I won’t.

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