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At the risk of sounding very tacky, I have a question about not receiving wedding gifts. We had our wedding a couple of months ago and have only received gifts from half the guests. We are certainly not holding it against anyone -- we know these are hard times, and some of the guests had to travel across the country to attend the wedding. Honestly, we're just happy that all our friends and family were there to celebrate with us.
Having said that, now that it's two months out, we're a little surprised at the number of people that didn't give gifts (we had around 110 guests). I know some folks are just taking their time, but for curiosity's sake, we're wondering if it's common to get gifts from half the guests? Especially these days? Hope this question isn't too whiny or gauche. I'm seriously just curious to know.
Quick question: Did you have any showers? Several people who gave us gifts at a shower didn't give us a wedding gift (which was fine with us).
I think the general rule of thumb is that you have a year to give a wedding gift. And I know a lot of people don't like to take a gift to the wedding. Perhaps they've forgot. Or like amysue said, if they gave you a shower gift, maybe they considered it for both the shower and wedding. Otherwise, I would probably attribute it to the economy.
While I usually gift right away, the general rule is that you have a year to do it. If you are two months out I wouldn't be super offended just yet. If certain people have already given a shower gift or something, I think that's totally fine if they are strapped for cash to only give one gift. But honestly I don't think the economy is an excuse to attend someone's wedding and not give them a gift at all. IMO, you just don't do that. I don't care if you're OOT and have to travel and stay in a hotel or any of that. You don't have to get some over the top expensive gift, but you GIVE A GIFT, no matter how small, if you go to someone's wedding. Period.
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Thanks all for the feedback. It's interesting to find out how different people feel about the whole gift-giving matter. It's true, there are still technically 10 months left, so we'll see. I'm in the same camp as Kittyachi -- I like to give gifts right away, and I'll give them no matter what. I know not everyone's the same way, though.
Interesting. I can't imagine seriously giving a wedding gift a YEAR later. Although that is what etiquette states, it just seems like the last thing anyone would be thinking about a year out!
That does sound very odd that 1/2 the guests didn't get you anything! But I will add that I never send a gift before the wedding unless it's for a shower. Also, to play devil's advocate, some people (not me) argue that etiquette states you actually don't have to give a gift at all. I think that phenomena would be more cultural though and you would know about it ahead of time.
IMO if they didnt give you a gift at the wedding, the chances of them giving you a gift after the fact is low, not saying it doesn't happen but i think the chances are pretty low
You have a year, but who takes a year? I remember my FI (before he was my FI) telling me this... only it had been 14 months since the weddings he had taken me to and he hadn't given a gift yet. Chances are anyone taking their time to give a gift after the wedding isn't giving a wedding gift. I have always given a gift at least a month before, unless I brought cash to the wedding itself.
Not to panic you, but is it possible that some gifts were lost, stolen, or sent to the wrong address? That does sound pretty odd to me. If I were you, I'd send out thank you notes to everyone who came, thanking them for coming - they serve the purpose both of thanking your guests for celebrating with you, but they also will raise a red flag if any guest gave a gift that you never received.
Hmm, I would be wondering about this as well! We had 4-5 guests not bring gifts to our wedding, and we realized it right away. Seems so strange. It's hard to follow up on that in the case something happened to the gifts, if people really just didn't purchase them! Is it common for people in your circle to send gifts late?
Wow! We only had one guest not bring a gift to the wedding who came. And he was a poor college student! I only know this b/c i had to go through my wedding address book and write in who gave me what so I could keep it straight. Maybe they got stolen at the reception? It just sounds weird. i mean, i thought almost everybody brought a wedding gift!
even the guests at my showers brought wedding gifts with their husbands. can you look on your registry and see who got you what, then match that up with what you received? that might tell you something. For my Williams-Sonoma registry, I can tell who got me what gift
I am in a similar boat. I had about 5 couples out of 50, not bring a gift. I'm wondering to myself whether I lost them or whether they just dind't bring them? Half of them are out of town. I was told if someone has to book a flight and accomodatoins, then their presence is your gift. is that true? And is it ok to send them a note saying:
"Hey, I was so happy to have you at my wedding. I was giong through the gifts and I may have lost yours. Its ok that you dind't bring a gift but I wanted to check in just in case."
I'm more concerned if they spent a lot of money, or wrote a big check, and wonder why we didn't send a thank you note.
Thanks!
about 25% (1/4!!) of our guests did not give us gifts. of those people, about half did not even bring or mail a card. i think its tasteless, but not everyone does (obviously). Our wedding was about 2 months ago and still no gifts.
Technically you have a year but I feel that I would think I wasnt getting a gift if it had been more than 2 months after the wedding. I have some people that did not get us a gift and thats fine I understand, and some that didnt get us a gift that I am a little insulted by. I know it sounds petty but these are family members or good good friends of my parents that I have know since I was a baby.
I would be concerned as well and want to follow up and see if they got you a gift just to make sure they got a proper thank you card if anything. But I cant think of a scenario of how you can bring it up without it being weird.
Just as others are saying, I've heard that you have a grace period of a year to give a gift...although I know with me I would worry about forgetting ifI put it off! Perhaps you will get some more in the near future? That seems so strange...
I agree with the other posters-don't say anything. Another thing to keep in mind, according to Emily Post, proper etiquette is to send a gift within 3 months. Since you are at the 2 month mark, you may still get a gift. Although many guests may still believe they have a year to send a gift.
Wait it out. You'll hear through the grapevine if they haven't received a thank you.
There were a lot of people at my wedding who didn't give gifts, either. I kind of chalked up to them counting as a part of their "family" gift, even adults who are 30 want to be considered under their parent's gifts. Oh well. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless you think the gifts have been lost or not accounted for.
Did any of the "non-gifters" leave a card ... at least? The times are soo tough financially for so many, but it seems that if someone does not give a gift, they at least give a card.
I really have no experience at this, having been to two weddings in my life, and the first out of all my friends to get married. I know that you should not follow up or say one word about a gift.
Wow! There are so many opionons on what people do and dont do for wedding gifts that it gets a little silly IMO! :)
I never bought the "you have a year to give a gift" rule. Seriously? You think a year from now people are really going to give a gift for a wedding they probably won't even remember? In these days it makes most sense to get your gifts at the wedding itself or the showers. Also, I did not know, and where I am from no one does this, if you give a gift at a shower, you also give a gift at the wedding? Really? No.
IMHO, and I am free to do so as so many others have, there is no rule or law that states if you attend a wedding, YOU HAVE to give a gift. I always try to give a gift but FWIW, if I had multiple guests traveling across the country, with flights and boarding, I would not want them to also have the worry of giving me a gift. A card would be sufficent. They already spent enough coming to my wedding and that is all that matters. But I guess there are others out there, that no matter what, they dont care and REQUIRE you to give them a gift. Thats tacky to me though.
I am sorry this happend to you, but I would still send Thank you's to everyone that came and just move on.
I have given a wedding gift up to a year later...honestly there have been years where I have been to 5 or 6 weddings, plus showers...and it adds up. So I tried to space it out and not spend thousands in a month on wedding gifts. Now that I am more financially stable, I try to be better about giving a gift around the time of the better (even beforehand.)
I think that not receiving gifts is becoming more of a norm or something. We didn't receive any gifts at all. One person used our honeymoon gift registry but never completed their transaction with paypal. We put on our website that gifts were not required since that is the polite thing to say, but provided three different registry options and I still figured some people would give us gifts. My feelings were a little hurt since many of our guests had themselves gotten married in the past five years and I got all of them gifts, even when I was a college student with no money. But I guess it is the economy.
Oh and we had 120 guests come out of 172 people.
I'm in the same boat! We got married this weekend. Half of our guest did not give us a gift or a simple card. They sure did take all of the left over cake and flowers tho.
I feel bad for thinking this and I am very gratfull for what we did received. I just think its really odd and I have never gone to a weddign empty handed.
My question is ...Do you send everyone that attended your wedding a thank you card? I'm feeling like you got your meal, you took extra cake, extra favros, flowers....didn't send us nadda...so why should i spend another $1.50 to thank you??? Sorry if this sounds harsh.. just needed to vent.
And it is all on my husband's side! None of hte aunts came to my shower... I just do not get it.
@nc80120: That's harsh for you guys! For me, as long as someone gives me a card I am going to send a thank you card (if they came to the wedding). Its understandable to me if someone can't really afford a gift, expecially if they are forking over the money to come from far away. But to give no card? There is just not really any excuse for that.
I think if they couldn't even be bothered to get you a stinkin card, you don't need to feel onliged to send a thank you!!
Personally I think a card at least should be given. And this business that the guest has a year to give a gift---that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Never heard of that. Never heard anyone else express they had that long to give a gift---to me that is probably old etiquette that most people don't even know about or follow anymore because it's so ridiculous.
I wouldn't say anything about not receiving a gift. Then that will look like you are hunting for them to give you one.
Send the thank-you notes to those who didn't attend. Thank them for coming. It seems silly, as was pointed out - you paid for a meal already - but it thanks them for being there. It's the gracious thing to do.
Plus, if they did get you a gift, it'll definitely send up a red flag that the gift they got you was not received (as someone else pointed out).
(If you mention that they didn't get a gift in the note, even if you say "that's okay", then you look like you're fishing for a gift.)
Oh, and my opinion: economy is no excuse for not getting a gift. A small gift can be within most people's budgets (even if it's a picture frame from the dollar store). Or at least get a card. That's just plain rude to not get anything, even if they did travel to be there.
As an aside to those who asked about showers: a shower gift is IN ADDITION to the wedding gift. (Even though you didn't have a shower, so it doesn't apply.)
@mskalinin I agree!! There are maybe 2 out of hte bunch I can unserstand. No one had to travel to come to our wedding, it was all local and just family.
@ Krista (i think) - I wasn't going to mention anything that you did not send a gift, thats just tacky. But maybe ur right, it will spark their memory, maybe it did get lost or opps i didnt bring one.
Did you take into account people who were a couple? Like if my fiancee and I came, we would only bring 1 gift, not two even though we are two people type deal?
Wow. I would NEVER EVER EVER show up without a gift, no matter how dirt poor I was. Even one of my super poor bridesmaids got me 2 bottles of inexpensive wine that I like. YUMMY. C'mon $20? Sometimes it is the THOUGHT that counts and that thought is sometimes a gift, even if it's a really cheap one!
I know weddings shouldn't be about the gifts, etc etc, but uh, I'd die before I went to a wedding giftless. I still give my husband crap for attending an army buddy's wedding very impromptu sans gift. My mom would ask me if I was raised in a barn and where my manners were. Just not how I was raised! I know there are lots of factors, but geesh.
Sorry ladies! Only one person at our wedding didn't bring a gift, but I DID send him a note b/c he's a good friend of mine. He really is super poor and buried in loans and had to get a hotel room though. But he's in college! I think that can be an exception...i always gave really inexpensive gifts when i was in college. I dressed up a bottle of wine as a bride and groom once. =]
From an etiquette website:
Guests are not required to bring a wedding gift to the wedding which is one of the reasons you should never make mention of gifts with your wedding invitation. However, social etiquette indicates that if you are invited to a wedding you should send a gift to the couple whether or not you plan to attend.
The "older generation" really expects to give gifts at the bridal shower, not the wedding.. so if they weren't invited to a shower, that is probably why you didn't get a gift.
I don't think you sound tacky. I don't know where those etiquette websites get off or who invented that. It's a huge party and a very important one, of course you should bring a gift. I would consider it tacky if the guest didn't GIVE a gift.
I personally am the type that takes a host gift to a dinner party, I would never not purchase a wedding gift to a wedding I went to. I have not received a thank you card from people we have gifted which I thought was SOOOOOO rude.
Our wedding was last Saturday and there were about 6 people that we did not receive gifts from. I am used to bringing gifts to the wedding, and I think most people I know are, too. I am confused, because the people that didn't bring gifts seem odd to me. Good friends, member of the wedding party, family... it just seems strange.
One of the few is a good friend from high school who would have been the next person in line to be my BM if we had had 1 more couple. She was just married this past spring and we gave a shower gift and a generous wedding gift... so I am scratching my head especially at that one.
I am more in the camp of what to do with Thank You's... did they send a gift/card and it got lost? Do I still send a thank you to them for attending the wedding? I don't know what to do either...
tenmylove: It's tricky about what to do. Since there were so few who didn't bring gifts, I sent them thank-yous for coming. And I meant it, and more importantly I know they know I meant the thank-you.
If you are happy your good friend attended, thank her for that. If you are too hurt by her not getting a gift, then don't send any thank-you note. She didn't get a gift, so no thank-you note is required.
And someone (sorry, can't remember who) has said the older generation will give a shower gift instead of a wedding gift. I think that depends heavily on where you live. Where I live, the older generation always got a shower gift separate from the wedding gift. (Maybe it's a southern tradition to give the shower gift instead of the wedding gift?) So it sounds very much different based on geography as well as etiquette. (So it just goes to show etiquette is also geography-based.)
Dogdays (the starter of this thread), what did you end up doing?
I live in Quebec, Canada and it is very different here. Since there are the french speaking and english speaking people their traditions are very different. Since I am from both I am very confused!
English side: They do a wedding shower with the bride and groom. They also do an engagement party. They tend to give gifts to all three events. There is usually a registry.
French side: There is no engagement party, no wedding shower, no registries. Apparently if they do a kind of get together everybody brings a canned food item to "built their house together". There are only cards given at the actual wedding with money and/or cheques inside.
The french side seems really cheap. When I mentionned this to my father who is french he said that not everybody has money to buy things for a wedding shower. My mom who is from the english side does see the wedding shower as a must, but feels awkward about the whole gift registry/giving gifts for the wedding shower.
So I am basically not having a wedding shower or an engagement party. We're having a BBQ with the bridal party to get to know each other and that's it. I'm disappointed with this, but oh well.
So I guess it depends on the guests' background maybe???
We are in the same boat. We only got gifts from about half our guests. We had a bunch of people tell us to expect gifts on the 364th day.
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