Post # 1
So once again, I am talking about my MIL.
Yesterday, she calls my hubby and tells him that Christmas this year will take place this saturday the 11th. He was taken aback and said “uh, we already have plans for the 11th”. She didn’t like that one bit. She wanted us to pick up my hubby’s grandfather and be available and have no plans. (How can you call us on a wednesday for saturday plans?).
Anyway, Hubby tells her we were planning to spend Christmas Eve with her. She said “I work half a day and don’t feel like cooking after that so I thought you guys would come for brunch on Christmas Day”.
How do I put this so that you ladies understand what I am feeling? I don’t know how so I will just say it: What mother in her right mind would say that to her son? And her “working half a day” is actually an office Christmas party she organizes and attends every year.
But to clarify further why I am upset: My Mom passed away last Christmas morning at 9 am. It is for this reason that I will not be leaving my family’s side this Christmas Day and why my hubby and I decided as a team that this year, we would spend Christmas Eve with his family.
So hubby reminded MIL what anniversary this Christmas Day is for me and she said “yeah, I know”.
So bees, I’ve been trying. Seriously trying to appease everyone and keep the peace but she seems to love to make things diffcult for us.
…and I don’t know why 🙁
Post # 3
It sounds to me like she needs to learn boundaries. She can’t demand and you guys jump. Do what you plan and stick to it. I had to do that with my MIL a couple years ago. She just had to live with it 😉
ETA – So sorry to hear about your mom. This must be a really hard time of year for you and your family. You absolutely should all be together.
Post # 4
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry about your mom. Your MIL needs to understand your need to be with your family and have your husband by your side on Christmas day. I’m sure it will be tough enough without her drama. Again, I’m so sorry.
Post # 5
I can’t believe she is so insensitive. I am so sorry to hear about your mother and it is very understandable that you would be spending Christmas day with YOUR family. Just do what you have planned to do and she will figure it out that the two of you are now your own family.
Post # 6
She’s kind of like a 2 year old and is used to screaming until she gets her way. She finds what works for her to get her way and she uses it UNTIL she finds out it doesn’t work for her anymore. Stop making it work for her.
Stick to your original plan no matter how much she cries. You owe no explanation at all.
Post # 7
Thank you very much ladies.
My husband is calling her today to suggest that if she is too tired to cook Christmas Eve we will order take out and see if that flys
Post # 8
I mean, I do understand that if she is organizing and attending an office party on christmas eve she probably isn’t going to be up for cooking that evening. However, that isn’t your problem. You and your husband have made you decision for christmas day. I think you respond the same was, “I’m sorry, but we already have plans for christmas morning”. You don’t need to justify to her what your plans are (although you easily should be able to ).
Post # 9
@ItalianLady: IMHO it doesn’t matter if it flies or flops. She has two choices here. She can choose to see you Christmas Eve, or she can choose not too. This woman will continue to push because she knows if she throws a big enough fit she’ll get her way. Push back. Your reasonings for how you want to spend Christmas are way more important than hers. And even if you wanted to stay at home and watch your toe nail polish dry, that’s still more important, because you’re an adult who decides how to spend your time. Good luck, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Post # 10
And even if you wanted to stay at home and watch your toe nail polish dry that’s still more important,
LMAO ! And thanks so much. That’s the thing exactly…she still thinks in the same manner she did when her little boy was single and had no other responsibilities except following mommie’s orders 🙁
Post # 11
I think you should just tell her a firm no, don’t even repeat it(!) and then don’t remind her, and on the day of, do your thing, turn off your phone and HAVE FUN! Treat her like the little spoiled brat that she is — don’t commend negative behavior!!! Let her kick and whine and cry. But make her understand how proper adults should act and when she/if she composes herself to be heard, then hear her out BUT don’t do so otherwise you will only feed her need for attention. Let her know that the only way she can GET to you is if she acts mature!!!
Post # 12
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. It must be so difficult this time of year anyway without her pulling stunts. I think you and your husband were both trying to be fair by spending time with his family. I’m glad you two are sticking together as a team. She needs to see that dividing you two isn’t going to work.
Post # 13
My MIL doesn’t understand boundaries all the time either, but yours sounds like an insensitive jerk.
We spent Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family – because it was her birthday too, so DH said the holiday was “more special for her” (barf)… we will alternate, but since the holiday fell on her bday this year, I conceded… but then we had to figure out Christmas plans… we always went to four stops in the past and ran around like crazy people, and had no time for ourselves…
When I told her that we wanted “alone time” at home in the morning this year to establish our own routines and traditions, she said “Well, I would prefer that you come to our house on Christmas morning like you always do, because we ALWAYS open gifts in the morning with my son… and I like to open gifts with my son and daughter and their significant others before everyone else arrives.” I told her that DH and I would talk about it and let her know what our plan would be (this was an email exchange during the work day).
Then she CALLED DH when he was on his way home (before he and I could talk) to tell him she wanted us to come to Christmas morning, and that it would mean the world to her if we spent Christmas morning with her. Meanwhile, that would leave my parents high and dry on both holidays, not cool! Thankfully DH echoed everything I had said to her – that we would discuss and let her know. And yet she still kept pushing for an answer… but at least he had the same answer when she ambushed him on his way home the same day I had told her we had to talk and get back to her… that we’d talk and get back to her!
BUT then she asked about whether or not we’ve figured out our schedule every single time she talked to us since then, even though we both told her we’d let her know once we’d talked about it.
In order to ensure we didn’t hear the usual “you didn’t say you weren’t coming” or “i thought you were coming at 9am” lines, I put our final plans in writing as to what we’d be doing on an annual basis, and when (not if) she puts up a stink, I will simply refer her to the email I sent with what our plans were. And we’ll be sticking to them, no matter how much she cries.
Post # 14
Good for you ! Seriously !
yes, traditions matter but to leave your family high and dry while she gets her way?
MIL was still pushing for this saturday but it’s a special night for just hubby and I and we’ve been planning it for weeks.
If you want us to compromise, give us enough notice to do so !
Post # 15
Sorry about your Mother. Just have your FI tell her – No and that it’s too late to change your plans, some people are just pushy and think if they say something enough times they can make people do what they want.
My husband’s family ALWAYS has family Christmas at noon, well this year one of his Aunt’s decided to do it in the evening (which is when we’d planned on seeing my family) basically his whole family got annoyed because they’d made plans based on it being on Christmas morning so they told her “No Deal” so now his mom is going to be hosting it. Your MIL seems to be the same way, you guys just have to tell her how it is.
Post # 16
Whenever I do see her, how do I need feel the tension that I’m sure we will able to cut with a knife?