Difference between seeing each other daily and living together

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

pialehra:  I think the biggest thing was the distinction of his stuff vs my stuff when we were just sleeping over. Sure, I could put my toothbrush on the counter, but I had a bag and I kept my pile of things contained. Once you’re living together, those lines becomes less and less clear as you accumulate shared things. For some people, this is an easy transition. They have no problem relinquishing control of the remote, the gaming systems, the cookware, etc. Others find those blurred lines to be harder to compromise on and it can cause arguments.

I remember a big one for us was laundry. He liked to do it one way ( the wrong way lol) and I liked to do it another way. Finally we just decided to do our own laundry separately because our systems were just too different and neither of us would budge. It didn’t end the relationship, but it forced us to communicate about even the smallest things that before weren’t an issue. 

Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

You are in the same situtation my SO and I were in last year. We both moved to a new town a couple hours away from the city because it was cheaper. We knew no one, had no friends up here all we had is eachother. I would say the difference for us was finaces. You start talking about money more, who pays for what and sometimes it caused arguements for us because I dont get the same pay cheque every week so sometimes its hard for me to pull my weight. Another thing is he is very clean and I am very messy so sometimes he gets upset if I leave clothes lying around. One thing I dont like though is if we fight I kinda have no where to go to let off steam. So living together forces you to communicate and be in eachothers space even if its not the best time and that can get really difficult for us. Good luck. 

Post # 4
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

His living habits will likely go back to normal, and same with yours.  But this will take time!  When you’re spending every day together without living together, you’re still kind of guests in each others’ homes.  You go out of your way to spend time with each other.  When you live together, you start to do your own things at home.  

And like the PP mentioned, the different habits… cleaning, placement of things, etc.  Like, my SO always has piles of stuff everywhere.  It’s not a mess, just an organized mess.  It took buying a bigger house to limit those piles… now they’re virtually gone!  But a year after we initally moved in together.  Also, you get used to splitting up chores and what not.  

Also, you will learn to communicate better.  You will be forced to communicate better!  Be open to it.  If you argue about something, learn to argue better by opening up communication.  When my SO and I would fight, the fighting would turn into learning how to fight better.. how to fight without making it worse.  Now we never fight.  Or if we argue a bit, it never seems like an argument anymore because it’s more like giving and taking criticism and learning how to make each other feel better.

Good luck!  It’s an exciting moment in the relationship 🙂

Post # 5
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Be prepared for an adjustment period. We never fought before we moved in together, and once we did, we found ourselves bickering over the stupidest things. But we’ve learned to talk things through and let resentments go. We still have fights, of course, but despite the uptick in arguments, living together has made us so much stronger.

Post # 6
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

pialehra:  Pretty much exactly what the previous posters said is true. Living together really does make you work hard at communicating better. For me and my FI, we were shocked at how difficult that was initially – he is the type of person who wants to talk things out immediately when we have disagreements, while I am the type of person who definitely needs space and time before talking things out. It took a while for us to figure that out, but now we are able to adapt as needed.

Additionally, you really learn a lot more about the other person when you actually live with them full-time. I never thought of my FI as a messy or disorganized person. . . until we started living together. Lol! I can be a bit of a neat freak and anything messy or dirty really bothers me (thank you anxiety!). It bothers him too to a lesser extent, but we are attempting to find ways to work on that.

Pretty much, my best advice is just to keep an open mind about things. Remember that you guys are going to be adjusting to the new arrangement for a while and that arguments are going to happen – it is completely normal when a big change happens. Keep in mind that for every bad argument or annoyance you feel with one another there will be a hundred good moments where you feel incredibly happy.

Don’t throw past offenses in each other’s faces when this happens and just do your best to roll with things. Good luck to both of you and I hope you guys have a wonderful life together! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

pialehra:  If you don’t live together, you have somewhere to retreat and separate individual space (your own place). When you live together, you don’t. My partner and I have separate areas of the house but it’s completely different. 

We never had an adjustment period or fights. We easily shifted into the “we” and “our” mindset but that’s not always the case. Some people have a really hard time. We had both lived with past partners so maybe that had something to do with it. 

Post # 8
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

pialehra:  Those 2 are completely different. Going over to his house felt as though I was a guest. I would bring my stuff that I needed & then took it back home with me. I had my stuff and my bills to pay, and so did he, separately. Living together totally changed that. Things became ours. We pay the bills together, we buy food together, we do laundry together. It’s our home to take care of… and its all about compromise.

At first I was unsure about whether I wanted to live with a BF. I never did that before. It was scary at first. But now that we are, I love it. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. It does make some things easier, I enjoy his company. I love coming home to our house and seeing him everyday. There’s are some trials and tribulations (as with anything). It takes work, but it’s enjoyable & worth it.

Post # 9
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I actually didn’t notice any difference at all. We had been used to living with roommates in college and the move in went smoother than I could have imagined. We didn’t have any issues. We just figured out who did what from the start and it’s been perfect ever since. It is so much easier than living with roommates or alone I feel like it. 

Post # 10
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

madmaxshannah:  +1

I found it was an adjustment for a little while. little annoyances would get to me. ex. If he’s a messier guy, it doesn’t really matter if it isn’t your place….but it will be YOUR place too now.

We had to work together to figure out splitting chores and stuff which could cause some arguments.

Everything adjusted after a couple months once everything gets settled

 

Post # 11
Member
3666 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Depends on what kinds of people you are. I’ve found that people who have spend a long time living alone have a harder time adjusting to this change, they are more set in their ways about how things are to be done around the home; whereas people who have lived with an SO before or have had roommates tend to be more accomodating of having another person in their space. For me, the transition was very easy, I’d lived with an SO before and knew what to expect when FI and I moved in together. I also hated living alone, so it was a welcome change. It really does take compromise and you have to be willing to perhaps change some of your ways to accomodate another person’s presence. 

 

damarajade:  My FI makes piles too! Dishes pile here, paper pile there, multiple clothes piles. I have to go collect from each pile everytime I clean the house, it’s funny!

Post # 12
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

ShhhItsaSecret:  LOL.  He used to have a pile in between the couch and the wall of toys and electronics, then his clothing pile.  The piles of paper on his desk, then another pile in the kitchen.  The apartment before last was even worse… I felt like I was living in a pile when I had to move in for a few months after my lease was up and before his was up. Now we just have a pile of mail in the kitchen, that he said he’ll go through for 2 or 3 weeks now.  And his clothes tend to pile up a bit, but his side of the bed is by the wall, so I never see it unless I’m vacuuming or cleaning the sheets 😉

Post # 13
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

For us it was figuring out as a team how we would accomplish things at home. And then learning to live with each other’s quirks.

It’s more about living as partners than individuals. You start adjusting small things you do to incorporate the other person into your normal routine. For example, if he stops at the gas station on the way home, he’ll ask me if I need anything or surprise me with something small to let me know he was thinking of me. Or if I’m doing my laundry I’ll throw in a load of his if I notice it needs to be done. If I make myself a sandwich, I’ll make 2 instead of 1. When I go grocery shopping, I buy things that he eats even if I don’t. If I’m in the middle or something and the dogs want out, he’ll get up and let them out.

We have similar hobbies so we tend to spend all of our free time together. We haven’t gotten sick of each other which is great. I still feel he’s my best friend and living together/being married has made our relationship so much deeper/richer than before, because each decision is a joint decision and we work as a unit instead of 2 people.

I’ve had roommates before and I can say this is definitely different. With roommates, I would find myself resentful for having to clean up after them or run errands for them, etc. With DH, I approach it differently because we are both mutually invested and by helping each other we make both of our lives easier and happier.

Post # 14
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

The biggest difference for us? 

A whoooooole lot less mystery. LOL

Post # 15
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

pialehra:  I think the big things (for me) are the separation of chores. Separation of chores took some working out, ie: I separate the laundry, he drops it off (we live in a city, so drop off is the norm), he picks it up, and I put away. Or, I cook, he does dishes, I dry and put away. If one person is doing all the chores and the other person isn’t, there tends to be some resentment that can build into something else.

Another big thing (for me) was the telling what the other is doing. I’m not a phone person. I didn’t have a smart phone for the longest. And I work late some nights. I would just forget to mention it when we were texting throughout the day. And then, he’d ask where I was. Opps! I’m MUCH better about it now, but for a small time, it was a source of tension.

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