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I'm usually more stressed than the SO, I find that really long foreplay helps me relax, even if I'm "going through the motions" as it gives me time to emotionally connect. Also, middle of the night sex is great, because I'm too sleepy to stress....
I don't feel guilty because sometimes the tables are turned... and he's not feeling it. Boys seem to be okay with going with the flow.... more than we give them credit for.
Oh, I do all the time. haha. I feel so horrible when he gets that look on his face when I tell him I'm just too tired. = /
We work opposite schedules so we hardly see each other (Me at 5 am, him at 4 pm) because our sleeping schedules are so different. So when I feel it, I get turned down, and vice versa.
Sometimes I wish I could just suck it up and go for it.
My BF is like your FI and has a VERY high libido. He always wants is more than I do. There was a period I felt like I was just going through the motions and too tired or stressed for it. Like you, I have a stressful job and I have to kids!
I did feel guilty about it because he noticed and would make little joking comments that I didn't want him anymore, which just made me feel MORE pressured and more like I should just go with it. But since I didn't really want to that, in turn, made me more cranky. Not a good cycle to start! What has helped me was really just not doing it when I didn't feel like it because I think that was starting a bad habit.
I think the biggest thing really is to not force yourself to do it if you don't want to. There is nothing wrong with being too tired or just not in the mood, especially if you're still "doing it" on a pretty regular basis.
Now, I feel back to normal and the more I enjoy being with him in that way, the moer I want to do it. Try not to feel guilty or stress about it too much!
Wow, that's exactly what I'm dealing with now too! I'm very VERY busy at work, stressed over that, the wedding and new student loan payments (that just started this month - wooo!) and the only thing I want to do when I get home is put on pj's and sleep.
My solution (which seems to be working so far) is to do little things during the week (haha, think "third base") and try to spend more intimate time with him on the weekends when I'm more relaxed and caught up on sleep.
Most importantly, just like CurlyDreamer said, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to! When the mood strikes, go for it! When it doesn't, well.. there's always next time! No need to feel bad/guilty.
You guys are so lucky! We are the opposite - I definitely want it more than he does, and that has created some tension in the past. I get what you mean about feeling guilty, but honestly, I think you have the better deal :)
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Mine is a lot lot less than my husband's especially due to my medical problems lately. I definetly do feel guilty about it.
We're also the opposite... my sex drive is a lot higher than his. At first I would take offense when he'd blow off (or so I thought) my advances, but then I realized it had nothing to do with me :)
My ex had a high sex drive & I actually found that even if you aren't in the mood- if you just spend time on foreplay you'll quickly get into it (even when you think you couldn't)! Fake it till you make it... haha well, fake getting into the mood.
We're the opposite just like some of the other ladies above. I find it really frustrating to be on my end because it can make you feel unwanted (or just unsatisfied obviously). But I can understand the other side and feeling guilty. I think it's awesome that you still try when you aren't feeling it; I can't even get that out of my fiance. It's like the person with the lower sex drive has all the "power" if that makes sense. They get to dictate when you do and do not have sex! Arg!
Oh thank goodness you other ladies posted--I'm the opposite too. He's currently stressed with school and a difficult work situation, and while in the past we were on an even sexual footing now I definitely have the higher drive and he's the one blowing me off. I hadn't even been able to talk to my girlfriends about it because when I mentioned it none of them could relate. :\
I think what would be helpful to hear from him is that a) it has nothing to do with me and b) instead of just being like "no I don't want to" try to explain why (so as to emphasize it has nothing to do with him) and offer an alternative: "sorry, I'm exhausted right now--why don't we set the alarm 20 minutes earlier?"
I don't know...we haven't really figured out our issue, but I think the above would make it easier for me to deal with...
This is a great thread and has been a point of contention between my FI and me. My libido dropped about a year and 1/2 ago. My dog died, I changed birth control (yaz) and the sex drive just plummeted. We are intimate about 2-3 times a week but it used to be more than that. I kind of feel like I have chemical imbalance as I just am shocked at how my libido dropped.
I'm actually thinking of getting an IUD so I no longer have to take the pill as I'm thinking the yaz is also contributing to this. Not sure though.
As for the guilt, I do feel guilty. But if I'm too tired, I'm too tired. Wouldn't you rather enjoy it then wishing you were in your pj's in bed? I'm so glad I'm not alone out there.
It's been nice to read this post about other people's experiences. This issue has turned into a point of contention with us as well. I have a much lower sex drive than him for about the last year and we average about once a week. When I say that to him, he says that's not true and that we go much longer wiithout having sex.
We actually got into an arguement about this last night and tried to talk things out a bit this morning. I still feel bad about the entire matter. I feel pressured and saddened by his frustration. I have no solution and I am not sure what to do anymore.
I am lucky because we do generally have a good relationship. This is the only big thing that we fight about, but I do worry that we won't figure out a solution and it will turn into a bigger problem.
@jaylii - I'm sorry to hear you got into an argument. I can relate to you. What I tried to do was figure out what is going on in my life that could affect my sex drive. Am I taking any new medication? What stressers are in my life? My sex drive is low too, but I find that I need to make a conscience effort to keep it rolling. A good friend of mine told me, if you don't use it, you will lose it. So use it, girl!
During the week it's hard for us to be intimate but we are always intimate on the weekends. Perhaps that will work for you??!!
Not to get too personal but I try to keep things spicy and new. Dressing up in sexy lingerie, new positions, adding music, WHATEVER WORKS.
stephinPA- Thanks for the note. It's nice to hear that someone can relate and I don't think it's too personal.
I do have a pretty good idea of what is contributing to the low sex drive. I am in a stressful, long hours job that I need to get out of as soon as possible!
We also try to have sex on weekends, but sometimes when life gets busy (which it has been recently) it doesn't happen. FI also wants to try to have sex a couple times during the week which seems like the bigger challenge for me.
Another thing that he really wants me to do is go to the gym on a regular basis. I recognize the importance of going to the gym, but get very overwhelmed when I think about everything that is expected of me at work, then the gym and then sex.
I sound like a whiner, but I realize that I feel very pressured sometimes. I think I need to make a more conscientious effort when I get home to take some time with him to relax and enjoy sex. We should also try out some new things to keep everything interesting. :)
My husband and I are actually going through this right now. I am resigning my job and in the process of transitioning back to school, which has me really stressed out. We are moving in a week and haven't packed much at all, I haven't done my Christmas baking yet, I am just a big mess right now.
As a result, I have basically ZERO sex drive. My husband has been really patient, but the few times in the last couple weeks that we have gotten intimate I have lost interest fairly quickly. Its hard for him to hide the disappointment and it makes me feel awful with guilt.
We are trying to slowly work back up to what we consider our normal rate (4-6 times per week) and sometimes its hard for me to kind of "force" the mood. I don't have much advice because I am struggling with this, too, but I can offer support, you're not the only one!
Oh my god thank you for this post! I have been so stressed out lately and it's taking a toll on my sex drive. My problem might be a little bit different though -- the BF can't...ahem...get himself off. This has been a problem for him since he was a teenager and he's gone to different doctors and counselors, but to no avail. On top of that, his sex drive is VERY high. I mean, he would love to get busy multiple times a day every day. I love him very much and I want to be able to satisfy his needs, but lately it just seems impossible. I'd say we're at about 3-5x/week, which I think is pretty normal, but I feel a lot of pressure because I know that he wants a lot more. He just can't "take care of it" himself when I'm too tired or too stressed. It gets to the point where it makes him really moody, causes him physical pain, and will keep him up at night! He never pushes me to do anything when I'm just not in the mood, but I know that it's frustrating and literally painful for him so I end up feeling guilty. I'm not sure that any of you have had to deal with this -- I didn't even know that men could have this problem until we started dating...but wow it feels good to get this off my chest!
I'm so glad to know I'm not alone out there. It's something a lot of people expereince, but hardly anyone talks about. I've defintely tried the fake it until you make it, because most of the time I do get really into it and am glad afterwards. Plus it also helps me get tired and I fall asleep more easily afterwards.
I think something that adds to our stress is that we go to FI's parents every single weekend! His dad has had a lot of medical issues, and FI has been helping out back home. So we are feet from his parents room. Before we moved in together, we'd still do it there and try to be super quiet, but now that we are living together I try to avoid it at his parents'.
Thankfully, FI is really pretty understanding and doesn't make me feel guilty or pick fights about it. The guilt is pretty self imposed, and I keep thinking that we don't even have kids yet, which makes me feel like there's always going to be pressure to do it more and more. It's at least good to know that I'm not alone, and it's not threatening our realtionship.
I am in the same boat sort of, my DH has low sex drive, which i knew would be a possibility due to his medications (anti-depressants). It still feels like he is blowing me off and can be hurtful. But at the same time i dont want to be nagging and hurt his feelings about this issue. We just got married so i did mention "we are on our honeymoon" to him and he just says i know.
Ours are polar opposites - his is low, mine is high. It's frustrating, and I don't know how we'll ever have a baby if this keeps up. :( It's really a source of contention in our relationship. The only one, actually.
@ laylabelle, that about sums it up for me, thats been our one issue so far.
He always wants it, but he frequently has to lure me into it- once I'm interested, then I'll jump into it, but outside of that...I'm a control freak, and pretty ocd about things, and I'm a clean freak, so I tend to regulate sex into hour-amounts during the week. It's fun and crazy then (I'm not boring, lol, we're all about crazy stuff, whips chains and all!), but if he, for example, wanted sex before I went to work or before we went out to dinner, no, hah, because to be blunt, it isn't worth the repetition of a 2 hour makeup/hair/dressing routine, re-showering, etc. I'm really anal about my look outside the house, nothing can be out of place or I get agitated. Am I an uptight pain? Oh yes, I am ;) Do I have a high sex drive, somewhat, but it's easier and neater AND faster if I take care of it myself, HAH! :D
I'm so happy to see that I'm not alone in the role reversal here: my libido is way higher than FI's and, like Laylabelle, it's the ONLY thing we ever have serious fights about. It's quite upsetting.
I have a hire sex drive than the hubby! It's funny. I've had to tone my down.
I have a way higher sex drive than him. I could easily have sex every day. Our problem is that our schedules are so different! He gets UP at 1 AM to get ready for work. I am either in bed by then or usually go to bed shortly thereafter. I get up at 6 am, except for the summer when I might sleep in until 8 or 9 AM. He works 12 to 14 hour days, so he is often too tried for sex. I usually get home 4 PM or so in the afternoon and he goes to bed at 6 PM. If it sounds like we don't get a lot of time together, we don't. I don't know how we had so much sex during the first year but it is getting increasingly difficult to have sex anymore.
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So FI, like many guys, would like to 'get busy' at least once a day. Usually I'm pretty close to that (~5 x per week), but lately I have been very stressed out. I am behind at work, which is a draining job to start with, and I've also been having some financial stress trying to consolidate student loans. By the time I make it home, i just want to relax and go to bed.
The problem is that I end up feeling really guilty and going through the motions. I try to initiate and put the stresses out of my mind, but it doesn't always work.
How do you deal with the differences in sex drive? Do you ever feel guilty for not wanting it when your SO does?