Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months, and we have very different ways of showing and recieving love. I’m very much into physical affection, compliments, silly nicknames, little gifts, etc. That’s how I show my love and that’s how I recognize love being returned to me. Boyfriend, on the other hand, values spending time together and giving me money (“supporting” me). He is pretty sassy and sarcastic and totally unsentimental. For instance, I would ask “Remember when you first told me you loved me?” and he would say “No” even though he totally did. In the beginning, it caused a ton of tension in our relationship. I would get very upset because I felt totally neglected/not cared about. He would get frustrated because I’d be on my phone while we were watching tv together.
After a lot of conversation and freak outs on my part, we’re starting to reach some compromises. For instance, I keep my phone in the other room when we’re spending “quality time” together and he’s working on things like not saying “ughhh I guess” (jokingly) when I ask for a kiss. So it’s getting better, but it’s still a challenge. We also were both pretty fresh out of seriously long-term relationships (6 years for me, 9 years for him) when we got together, and they were both with people who had much more similar love languages to us. This lead to a lot of unhelpful comparisons to how our exes were.
Do you and your SO have different love languages? How do you navigate making sure you are both getting what you need?
Post # 3
I’m very wordy. I write him notes and ridiculously cheesy things in cards and tell him all sorts of things. Meanwhile, he’s an action person.
He has learned to say and write more things and to tell me he loves me often. I do things for him that I know he would like.
For instance, when I realize I have been excessively wordy and not very action-y, I’ll surprise him when he gets home from work with his favorite video game or show loaded up on the computer, a hot plate of food, his pajamas laid out on the bed, and a big bowl of hot water to soak his feet in.
Meanwhile, he’ll spend an agonizing few minutes trying to write me a love note and makes sure that he texts me and calls me from work often.
Both of us are also very much into physical affection, so that one is easy.
And yes, we did talk about the book The Five Love Languages together! : )
Knowing his love language helps, too. Let’s say he hasn’t been super sentimental in his words lately. Maybe I am feeling a bit disgruntled by it. Then I will focus on the actions he has done for me lately and realize that he’s been sweet in his own way.
Post # 4
@MsW-to-MrsM: oh that reminds me! when we first started dating, we were long distance and so did a lot of communicating through the day via text and email. he was soooo sweet and wonderful during that time, and then when he moved to be with me and we were primarily communicating in person i was like “wtf happened?” he always said he was better able to express feelings in writing, but i didn’t realize just how true that was until we were actually together. so i did an experiment one day and left a sweet little note for him in the morning before i left work. lo and behold, when i came home there was a note back! and it was lovely!
Post # 5
I am definitely an acts of service person – screw little gifts and sweet words – cleaning the fridge and doing household chores without being bugged means a hell of a lot more to me. He values demonstrations of affection and quality time.
Post # 6
I say it all the time. I’m very verbal about it. I’m also huggy. SO is definitely NOT expressive (vocally) about it, and it has caused tension. But then I need to sit back and realize that he tells me he loves me silently every time he buys me beer, candy, cleans the dishes, vacuums the apartment, or makes me dinner.
Post # 7
Hmm…it’s a tricky one with me and my fiancé. When we are together then our love language is very much physical affection – we like cuddling, holding hands etc and if we are not doing that but are still in proximity then every now and then there will be a tap, a little squeeze, just to let the other know we are there.
But with other people then we are not physically affectionate at all…we are not really big huggers with others unless they hug us first.