Post # 1
Hi Bees, Im on a different name because I don’t want this getting back to anyone. It’s a question I’m sure you haven’t heard before….
Lemme say – I love my Fiance. I love our relationship, we respect eachother, and all is good – i’m super excited to marry my best friend. One notable thing – he has a nervous twitch/tic. I don’t want to go into to much detail about what it is exactly but we’ve been together a while and it happens when he’s nervous/excited. I obviously don’t care, love my Fiance unconditionally and it’s a silly thing for a SO to care about, obviously. But, we’ve never talked about. Fiance doesnt seem shy about it (meaning, he doesnt hide it) but I find it so odd, that in a couple where we talk abotu everything, this seems taboo. I mean I’m not as much concerned he’d be embarrassed than him not knowing what I’m talking about (even though its a pretty unsubtle gesture) – are tics unconscious? Im actually nervous that if I said something he’d be like, “what are you talking about, I don’t do that” because he’d have no recollection.
We havent discussed it up to this point and it hasnt/doesnt affect anything in our relationship in the slightest. Should I say something? Is it stupid for me to even be thinking about this? I can’t ask anyone in the “real” world because I just feel like it’s such a strange situation….
Post # 3
Hm. That is kind of strange. How subtle is it? Oh, and I would probably have asked a long time ago. Tactfully, of course, but I suck at holding questions in.
Post # 4
What do you mean “it seems taboo?” and yet you don’t think he’s embarrased by it?
I think if you can “talk about everything,” then there’s no harm in bringing it up, especially in a casual, almost joking way. (“hey, has anyone ever told you that you do this thing…”)
Post # 5
Well, of course now I am dying to know what it is. Come on now, you’re anonymous and using a different username, you can tell us! We’ll be nice, I swear.
Post # 6
One of my fiances friends has a similair thing when he blinks…sometimes he blinks “hard” like..squinching his eyes closed. My Fiance never noticed, but I did when I met him. I would never ask him or tell him that he does this because it would be rude..but Im not dating him and Im sure his wife has asked.
Post # 7
They are unconcious behaivors done to placate emotional turmoil. Some are as common as nailbiting. I’m sure you Fiance is aware of it by now, if it is obvious because someonne has pointed it out to him.
If you want to talk about it, its within your rights as a soon to be married couple. I do think theres not much to say- other than maybe the risk of making him more self concious?
Post # 8
If he’s unaware of it and you’re not bothered by it then I wouldn’t even say anything. I know you should be able to tell your SO anyhting that’s on your mind but it seems like it’s not an issue for either of you.
Sometimes when I’m really relaxed or in my sleep, I twitch. It’s in both my hands and legs. It’s a side effect from chemotherapy in 2006 due to breast cancer. It damaged my nervous system and I have poly neuropathy (nerve pain) in my legs.
I’d be curious to know what it’s from.
Post # 9
sometimes the best thing is to let your partner have something different and secretive about them–keep the mystery and let your SO have you as the one person in his life who won’t bring it up or bug him about it.
Unless you think there may be a medical issue (with potential impact for kids) I wouldn’t worry about it. Alternatively, maybe ask a family member?
Post # 10
Maybe you can tell him something like: “Have you noticed you *insert tick* a lot?” but in a cute way.
After 8 years together a few months ago Fiance told me, “Did you know that when you talk really fast you only move one part of your mouth when you speak?” He wasn’t laughing or anything, he just said it like it was the cutest thing he’s seen.
Of course this is something I wasn’t aware of and something apparently not that obvious, but it we can definetley talk about it now.
Post # 11
My Fiance stutters when he gets really nervous or something stresses him out. The first time we talked on the phone he stuttered quite a bit but as the hours went on it stopped. I can tell when I bring up a subject that bothers him because he starts to stutter. He explained it started when he was a teen and it stuck with him ever since. He says it happens less over time, but it still pops up from time to time. But I guess what I am trying to say is I didn’t say anything, he did after awhile. If you can talk about anything then I would ask him. Btw I do think it is kinda cute when he stutters.
Post # 12
Hi, another “undercover” bee here!
Unless it is REALLY subtle, which you say it is not, then I would nearly guarantee that he knows that he does it. While they are most likely involuntary motions, they probably aren’t unconscious actions.
My fiance has some tics, and about six months into our relationship it was finally brought up in conversation. When that happened I think it took a huge weight off his shoulders to talk about it and realize that I was aware of it, and that I wasn’t at all bothered by it. I think his family kind of treated it (and still do treat it) as the pink elephant in the room nobody can see. They love him to death, I just don’t think they’ve ever discussed it, head-on.
Since we’ve been together the tics have actually decreased in severity and frequency, especially in my presence. He says I “cured” him. I think it might just be because quite often tics have a tendency to decrease with age, although I would have guessed that he’d have already missed that window if it was going to happen. Maybe I do just make him so comfortable that they’ve decreased? Maybe I’m the first person to REALLY address the tics without judgment? Who knows? I just know they have decreased, and I’m grateful for that – for him. (Some of his can be painful for him if they flare up for an extended period of time.)
We can joke about it now, and he seems quite comfortable discussing them with me. Whether it be in a serious or playful way.
In the end, you know your fiance best, but from what my personal experience has been, I would ask him about it. I’m glad my fiance and I talked about it, and it might relieve yours immensely to have someone to talk about it with, too.
Post # 13
My ex had an extremely obvious tic which involved him doing a weird dancing movement with his head and hands. No one in his family had ever mentioned it to him either.
We are still good friends and when he does it now I tell him to knock it off. He’s glad I do as, in his words, ‘it makes him look like a fool’
Sad that it took to the age of 42 for someone to mention it to him.
Post # 14
Hey everyone, thanks for your responses. Some of you had very different responses than others so now I’m even more confused…
For those who said to talk to him about it, do you have any advice on bringing it up that’s not just in a non-serious way? I think that in this case, because it’s more than just an eye twitch, joking would make him feel bad.
I guess because the more I think about having a serious conversation about this with him, the more ridiculous it seems…. stillnot sure :-
Post # 15
When we discussed it, it must of came up organically, because I honestly do not remember how the conversation started. I know I did not specifically make a point to talk to him about it though, it just came up. But I do agree that joking is not the way to ask/talk about it for the first time.
Everybody is so different, and their reactions to these types of things are different too, but I am certain that my Fiance would have been upset if I had minimized it and made light of it right then. He clearly felt uncomfortable enough about it without me coming in and poking the bear with a stick, so to say.
Just as @TheMsMittens’s ex liked to be told to knock it off, I think my Fiance would be upset if I asked him to stop it. My Fiance can stop them, but it takes all his concentration and then he describes the tics as bottling up if he does that, and they WILL come out later, more severely. Tic disorders/causes are different, and I’m sure some people can consciously stop what they are doing if it is brought to their attention, while others cannot.
And if it seems silly for you to have a serious conversation about, don’t feel like you have to bring it up! Just because that was right for me or others, doesn’t necessarily make it right for you. I’m a firm believer of trusting your instinct when it comes to things like this.