- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
So this is my first post, I’ve found the topics so far to be really helpful to get a real-life perspective so I thought I’d try it for my own difficulty.
My situation involves my dad, who is refusing to take part in the unity candle portion that my Fiance & I are planning. Our idea is to have a family “path” of lighting symbolize where we came from, leading us to the joining of us in marriage. Let me set up the story a bit so you know the history:
I am 28 and for the last 10 years since I went off to school & then moved further away again after that, my relationship with my Dad has been difficult. Ever since he remarried (when I was in middle school) and started his new life, I’ve always felt pushed aside. He became a very devout Catholic, and in the last few years has made it very apparent his disappoint in us living together prior to marriage. They are very happy about the wedding, just not our previous decisions.
So let me get to the unity lighting – my fiances parents are passed, and so we thought a very nice way to memorialize and pay respect is to incorporate a special candlle lighting where his brother (bestman) will light his candle in memorial of them, and them my dad/mom would light mine. To put it simply, my dad is refusing to do this.
I am a very passive fighter with my family, and typically shy away from confrontation. But this is my wedding and something that is important to me so i don’t want to sweep it under the rug. He hasn’t responded yet (it was just this morning though) to my last attempt to get the reasoning why. Up until this point it, in email, it has been my step-mom saying “As far as Dad and your mom lighting your candle, we would suggest that not be expected” & then my dad so simply saying “I will not be lighting your candle & I don’t feel it needs any further discussion”. What the heck? How can he not want to do this for me? Regardless of where our lives are now, 28+ years ago they were married and made me & that unity is why I’m here and because they are my parents it makes perfect sense they would like my candle……Am I crazy to be upset? Everyone knows they are divorced, everyone knows he is remarried and has been for 17 years! Why would lighting your daughters candle with her mom not be appropriate or something you wouldn’t be OK taking part in? I’m sure he’s going to find some Christian viewpoint on why he’s uncomfortable with it, or that my step-mom would be uncomfortable. WHY? My goodness that is so juvenile! I am a very faith-filled person & christian person as well, but I cannot find any rationale in my head that he would feel this way.
Can someone help me know I’m not crazy and give some insight to calm my nerves and sadness?