Difficult day today. Moved one step forward and two steps back.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  Honestly, he may be leading you on. I don’t want to sound mean, but if he is in his 30’s and you two have been together for 2 1/2 years, he should at least be able to give you a timeline.

The fact that he couldn’t answer basic, straight forward questions when you asked is a little concerning. I am not saying you should break up, but you should definitely reconsider where you truly believe your relationship is going.

I would also suggest having another honest conversation. You are BOTH in the relationship and you deserve to know what his intentions are, just like he deserves to know yours (which you have communicated). 

Good luck, OP!

Post # 4
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Can you be happy with your current situation for the unforseeable future? If not, you need to make a change since he obviously is unwilling to. I would call his bluff and tell him he needs to commit like a big boy or you’re done. If you move in with him, he will only string you along more and you’ll be even worse off in trying to decide what to do. He’s had plenty of time to consider his next move. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  virtual hugs to you bee.

The thing that bothered me most about this post is that he’s in his late 30s….Feels like maybe he should have worked through his parent’s divorce by now and moved on.

Do you love him enough to stay with out a firm timeline?  Waiting can be hard, I’ve had to ask myself that and for me it’s yes and no.  My situation is that we have a ‘soft’ timeline and I don’t mind adjusting this to ensure that our future is better but I’m 30, want a family, and can’t see myself 34 with no engagement and still here.  If you love him maybe you can be flexible with him.

One more thing:  Try to work on yourself more.  Do things that make you happy, reconnect with friends and get that confidence back!

Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Encore Bride… Oldtimer here (over 50)

In reality, they say that men KNOW somewhere between the minute they meet MISS RIGHT and 18 months in.

So ya he knows NOW… you are the one or you aren’t

There are two kinds of men, the ones ready to marry / settle down… and those that aren’t

If he is stalling, cannot give you a straight answer to your Timeline (LIFE PLAN) then obviously he isn’t there yet

Will he get there (ie is he the marrying kind or not) well only he and you know that

BUT I would hestiate to give MY ALL to a guy who seems so unsure at 2-1/2 Years in and in his 30s.

Only you can decide what to do next…

But a man truly in love doesn’t act this way… a man truly in love is dying to make you his before some one else scopes you out and tries to win you / marry you

As Greg Behrendt say’s in his book… “He’s Just Not That Into You” … IF he’s not marrying you…

A guy who truly wants you will move heaven & earth to make it so sooner than later… this guy doesn’t sound like that is on his agenda with you now (could come later, may never come, could come with someone else etc)

Sorry hon… but a man who loves a woman is the sexiest man alive solely because he will do literally ANYTHING to make that happen (swim oceans – climb mountains – slay dragons … what fairy tales and real life love is truly made of)

Based on your description that doesn’t sound like this situation or this man…

I suggest you read Dr Phil’s “Love Smart – Find the man you want / Fix the man you got” and see if there is any potential here whatsoever

A woman cannot MAKE a man Love her… it has to come naturally.  If it ain’t happening on its own there truly is nothing you can do about it.

Sorry…

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 7
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@LoveWillLightTheWay: He’s in his 30s yet can’t even give a general timeline? That is not good. This is your life too. Him then pulling out the “we don’t really need to get married” thing is worse.

You should not feel weird or pushy for wanting to be married. Your relationship shouldn’t make you doubt your existence or what you have to offer. 

I’m just going to give some quotes from He’s Just Not that Into You that apply, and you can make of them what you will. Every situation is different, but I do always like the straight forward zingy advice Greg Behrendt gives.

In response to “He’s just not ready yet:”

“He’s right – why rush? It’s only been five years. He’s going to know you so much better after ten. And you have all the time in the world, right? You know, in case after ten years he decides he’s still not ready. I hate to tell you this, but here’s why he feels rushed: he’s still not sure you’re the one. Yep, my lovely, I know it’s hard to hear, but better hear it now than ten years from now. So you can stay with him and continue to audition for the part of his lucky wife, or you can go find someone who doesn’t need a decade or two to realize you’re the best thing that ever happened to him.”

In response to this question:

“I’m 33 and have been living with a guy for two years. We are in love, he’s great to me, and we get along perfectly. He has no problems committing to me – he just doesn’t want to get married. He married young and got divorced young. He says he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing. It seems insane of me to break up with him because he doesn’t want to get married. We are sharing a life together and are very happy. He’s even open to having kids. He just doesn’t want to get married. In this case, I don’t think he’s just not that into me. I think he’s just not that into marriage.”

Reponse:

“Okay, this may be controversial, but I’m going to say it. No matter how traumatic a divorce was (and I know they can be traumatic in epic proportions), the person you plan on spending your life and having children with you love you enough to get over it if getting married is important to you. Only you can decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you. I can’t tell you it it’s worth breaking up with him if you’re happy and have a nice life together. That’s for you to decide. I have never been divorced, I’ll give you that, but I’d marry my wife in every time zone if that’s what she wanted. In my very conventional opinion, I believe one foot in is the same as one foot out.”

And finally, a part of the response to “He just needs a better role model” (aka the “he doesn’t believe in marriage due to parental divorce”):

“I love guys that tell their women unequivocally that they don’t believe in marriage. I mean, it’s not like they’re giving anyone a hint or anything.”

Post # 8
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  Have to agree with PPs. If he wanted to marry you, he’d figure out a way to get over his fear. If his dream job opened up, but he didnt have the qualifications wouldnt he do everything possible (like extra education ) to get the qualifications to get that job?

What I would say…

“I understand that you have some trauma around marriage from your parents divorce. But marriage is very important to me. I cannot be with you and have children with you if marriage is not going to happen. However, I dont want you to “just get it over with” and marry me while you still have doubts. So, you need to figure out a way to work through your trauma. You may in the end still decide not to marry me, but at least it wont be because you didnt try. Read a relationship book, talk to a therapist. Maybe we can even take some marriage preparedness classes (I recommend the ones by John Gottman or people trained in his technique) or read how to have a good marriage book (again, any by John Gottman). But please understand, I have an internal timeline, that I wont tell you. It’s not an ultimatum. If you dont want to marry me that is fine. But I cant wait forever. I love you, but I would never want you to dosomething like marry me unless you are 100% sure it’s the right thing to do. I am not going to be the one pushing for you to deal with your trauma. You will have to be the one doing the work. But I will support you any way I can.”

Well, I might tighten that up a little bit, but it’s 1:30am here and I’m not thinnking clearly LOL

Good Luck

Post # 11
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Truly, being with someone shouldn’t be this hard. You don’t sound unreasonable in wanting to discuss a timeline yet he seems to be coming up with a somewhat stereotypical set of excuses. Now it may be that he doesn’t want to get married. Which is, of course, his decision to make. But it is never fair to keep someone hanging on either. I also think that using his parents’ experience is a fairly feeble reason too. Not all of us had happily married parents either but we didn’t depend on this factor in order to run away from commitment.

I’m honestly not sure what your next step should be but somewhere along the line you have to decide whether you are happy (which it doesn’t sound like you are) without any sort of certainty about your future and without the ability to have a sensible discussion with your SO that doesn’t turn into excuses and a lack of any real commitment.

Post # 12
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  I don’t think you’re asking too much. I think you have to make a decision. Are you ok with not getting married? If don’t need to get married I would let it go. If you do I would set a “walk date” in about 6 months and stick to it. If you don’t want the same things it sounds like he isn’t the one for you. Don’t compromise, you should be with someone who makes you and your needs his first priority. 

Post # 13
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think there are a few things you can do. is there anyone you can trust to speak to about this? Close family, parents, grandparents? Married mutual friend? I wouldn’t say counseling yet because it sounds like he’ll run for the hills.

You said he asked you to give him a valid reason for a timeline…can HE give YOU a valid reason other than “it’s just a piece of paper”?

i think you should change the way you talk about this subject completely. Do a 180. If you currently get emotional and ask him why, change your tune. I would even say, “let’s give this some time without talking about it, in order to think” Tell him YOU’re gonna think about it too. You’re gonna think about whether or not living life without a timeline is something you can realistically do. And then go about your daily life with him as normal, don’t talk about the subject for a week or two. But you have to really think about it too. When you talk to him, if his tune hasn’t changed even a little bit, it means he didnt think about it, he didn’t consider other options. If that happens, I suggest you start considering yours.

Post # 15
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  Regardless of where it stems from, the fact is (and I’m sorry if this is harsh) he isn’t ready and he doesn’t know when he will be. That could be never. If you’re okay being a full time girlfriend for the rest of your life, then that’s okay.  If you aren’t, then it;s up to you to go after what you want.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he is going to be able to give you what you want any time soon. 

Post # 16
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  That’s a great conversation you two had! Keep your head up, be completely honest with your feelings (but in a cool, calm, and collected manner). Give it time before you talk about it again and try not to repeat the same things over and over again.

I still think you should try to find a whole new way to approach the situation, even if that includes not approaching it for a bit. Try to get the real reason why he doesn’t want to get married right now out of him. And take him for his word…if he doesn’t want to get married you may need to think about whether or not you can deal with that. That’s a decision only you can make!!

🙂 Cheer up!!!

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