Post # 1
We are at the very beginning stages of our wedding planning process. In order to move forward, we obviously need a budget. However, my future in-laws are being so difficult.
First, they didn’t want to communicate a dollar figure to my fiancee and I and wanted to talk to my parents. Understandable. Then, they get on the phone and my mom asks how much they would like to contribute and they don’t give a dollar amount, but say they want to meet in person. They are 4 hours away from my parents, which isn’t the most convenient as my parents both work and my dad travels quite a bit for business.
So now my mom is in an awful position to say “please contribute ‘x’ amount of dollars” or they aren’t getting the wedding they really want. This process has stretched out for almost 6 weeks already and not even close to being finished.
I know it’ll work itself out, but I have so much resentment towards my future in-laws for being so difficult and putting my parents in a tough spot. How do I get over this and not dread spending time and holidays with them?
Post # 3
Your mom should not be saying “If you don’t contribute X they can’t have the wedding they want”. Your In-Laws are not obligated to give you any money for your wedding and while it may be unfortunate that you can’t have your dream wedding without their help you should absolutely not make them feel bad about it. It may be hard to put aside your resentment but try and remember that people have very different ideas about who and how much to contibute toward a wedding.
Post # 4
I can understand your frustration if you feel like your FILs plan to contribute, but they are just being diffucult about it; like making you jump through hoops to get the money. But if it is a question of IF they will contribute and how much, then you really have to just put it aside and start planning based on the budget you and your parents can work out.
Post # 5
I agree with the above posters. Start planning your wedding based on the amount of money you have and what your parents have told you they would contribute. Don’t count on your FILs at all…then if they do contribute something, it will be an extra bonus.
I know it’s frustrating, but I had something similar happen to me. My parents were very generous in what they had given me, and my FILs couldn’t commit…so we went with what we knew we had. My husband and I ended up footing most of the bill with my parents’ help, and eventually, my in-laws gave us $500. At that point, it just helped to go towards what we were paying for. We thanked them and moved on.
The problem is – this isn’t your in law’s wedding…and it’s not your parents’ wedding, so you can’t expect something from them. Your mom shouldn’t be telling them what they need to contribute. You should plan without them, and anything they give you will just be extra or can be put towards your new life together.
Post # 6
I agree with PP that you should probably start budgeting around the money you already have commited. My FI’s parents have been difficult from the start and haven’t contributed a single $ as of yet. In the end you could ask them to spring for the rehersal dinner because I believe that is tradition, but counting on money you don’t have yet will really wear on you. I know this from experience 🙁
Post # 7
Just remember that your FILs are not obligated to give you any money towards your wedding. Neither are your parents.If either set of parents is able and willing to contribute then that is awesome and you should feel grateful for that! And if not then you are just going to try to figure out with your fiance how you can have your wedding with the means that are available to you. There are tons of budget wedding ideas out there!
Here is one of my favorite – http://www.younghouselove.com/wedding-album/
Post # 8
Your mom could ask them to cover an item (assuming in-laws are willing) so that the in-laws can decide how much they want to spend. Or give them an option of a few things with the estimated dollar figures so they, again, can decide what they are comfortable with.
Flowers? officiant? bar? venue fee? etc. Maybe she is just uncomfortable talking about money to people she doesn’t really know or maybe she is having trouble saying they can’t afford much, but want to help. Put her in the drivers seat by saying these are the items that we know the costs of, would you like to be responsible for one?
Post # 9
I’m curious if you approached your FIL’s asking for money for the budget, or if they offered to pitch in, and have been vague ever since.
If they offered to pay for things and are now renegging or or dodging the issue, I can see why you’re frustrated. You need to know how to budget. But if you and your FI asked them to contribute and they’re being weird about it, I think they are uncomfortanble handing over too much $. They probably are concerned the amount they feel they can contribute is going to look like peanuts compared to what your parents are willing to pay. Honestly, a lot of parents are of this mindset that when they have girls they need to start saving for a wedding, but if they have boys they don’t. So they might not be prepared to hand over that much money to you.
It’s not worth hurt feelings and strained relationships. I would drop it with the in-laws. Plan your budget around what you have. If they want to contribute then you add it in. Perhaps think of some expenses that can be finalized later on (ie. open bar?) Then have whatever they might throw your way go towards that.
Post # 10
@Tanya123: This is a good point. I just assumed there was an offer already or discussion where they said they would like to help.
Post # 11
I agree with above about planning within a known budget. Its your wedding, and no one should be expected to help you pay for it to get the wedding you want. Even if they said they could contribute x amount, I’m sure there are people out there who can tell you that although promised that money, they didn’t get it or had a very hard time getting it.
Post # 12
can you set up a meeting half way in between both sets of parents? have lunch and try to figure some of this stuff out. remember, though, that your future in-laws are in no way obligated to help pay for the wedding.
i also like the idea of asking them what specifically they want to pay for and giving them the budget for those categories. that’s how i’m doing it – fi’s parents offered to pay for the florist and the band, and i told him about how much those would end up costing. that way the discussions are easier to manage and you don’t just get nebulous figures.
Post # 13
Thanks for your feedback! There was never the expectation that the FIL’s were going to contribute–it was more a matter of them saying to my parents, “well tell us how much you need.” Which put everyone, especially my mother in a bad spot. I mean, what is she supposed to say, ya know? 🙂
Post # 14
Well, it actually is pretty simple to work out if they offered to help. Rough out the budget and ask them if there’s any piece of it they want to cover. We covered flowers and rehearsal dinner for my son’s wedding. For our daughter, we’re doing everything but rehearsal dinner, tuxes and bridesmaid’s dresses. As MOG, I (We) also hosted a suite for the family afterparty and bridal party dressing. We bought cases of champagne Keep in mind that theses folks may plan to be generous, but they can’t know what hasn’t been communicated to them.