- 6 years ago
I just wrote out a whole post and deleted it because everything i write sounds so awful on paper. Sigh, how did i get myself into this? Sorry for the incomprehensive rambling…
My husband is a difficult person. Very type A, has to do everything very fast and efficiently and hates when people dont do the same. He has extremely high standards for everything and gets upset when other people dont meet those standards – especially me. He is very high strung and gets stressed with work.
He has few friends because he thinks that ‘nobody can keep up with him’. He is arrogant, he thinks he is so cool because he knows how to have fun unlike everyone else just because hes into extreme sports and travelling. If i dont do something the way he would have done it, he puts me down and makes me feel stupid. He thinks he is right about everything.
When he gets upset over something small, he makes himself ten times worse by dwelling on it and blowing up over it…if its something i did wrong, he attacks my personality to the core, making me feel like a terrible, useless person. If its something somebody else did, or a situation hes pissed off about he rants to me about it and then masks his anger at the situation, pretending hes unhappy with me, and picking on little things to blame for his unhappiness.
He rarely compliments me except on my physical appearance and has a high sex drive that he expects me to keep up with… which is fine, except that if on an occasion i dont want to for some reason, he gets mad and punishes me for it for the rest of the day, starting a big fight over it.
He is critical of absolutely everything i do and points out my flaws and tells me i cant do things. He uses my low self esteem against me, saying i should be more confident and getting frustrated with me when im nervous about something.I hate when he says things to embarass me in front of people, like pointing out that i dont have a job to everyone we meet (i am unemployed through no fault of my own and will be allowed to work again in just a couple of months). But i honestly dont know if he does it on purpose or is just too emotionally stupid to realise – he definitely lacks empathy.
When we have had bad fights in the past and i yell back at him he has pinned me down, put his hand over my mouth to to shut me up and raised a fist to me. I have had bruises on my arms countless times from those huge screaming fights. They get so bad because we cant just fight about the original thing, it turns into a torrent of personal attacks and i obviously have a counterargument for those and he doesnt like it. When i tell him how disgusting his behaviour was by getting physical with me, he excuses it by saying i made him do it because i was screaming at him and he was trying to restrain me. He hasnt done it in a long time because i made him realise how wrong it was to physically intimidate me. But he still punches things and gets in my face.
He has gotten better with being so intolerant and i have learned to pick my battles. I see improvement, so i wonder whether things can change. But they are such small steps that im still so tired of his mood swings. I have started to question whether i really love him or whether i just want to feel loved so i’ll settle for the man that pursued me so strongly. We do have alot of fun and laughs, we have great hobbies and he makes me do things i always thought id be too afraid to do. He pushes me to be better. I love his family, his mom is great in helping me understand him and she gets that he is difficult. I dont know what to do. I feel like if i stay with him the way things are then im doing myself a disservice because i see so many women with men that don’t treat them this way. On the other hand, maybe its just one of those intense relationships that are characterized by extreme highs and lows. This is the husband i chose and i should try my hardest to make it work. I really dont want to get a divorce, we have been married only a couple of months and i would be so embarassed. I have no friends or family here so i would have to move back thousands of miles away. I want so badly to make this work but i worry for my own sanity. I kind of get that hes emotionally abusive, and i know it sounds stupid but i feel like i am good for him and hes improving now that he has my calming influence. But where do i draw the line between trying to comfort and calm him when all he does is take his anger and stress out on me. Can anybody relate?