Difficult husband, not sure how much more I can take…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

Was he like this before you got married? He sounds emotionally and physically abusive. It will prob only get worse. I think it is dangerous for you to be with him. 

Post # 5
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was going to suggest counseling until you got to the part of him being physically abusive.  I’m not sure that kind of behavior is even worth getting professional help over.  I think you need to leave him.

Post # 6
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I didn’t even need to read the part about pinning you down and bruising you to know he is abusive. 

Please get out now as soon as possible.  My friend went through a similar situation – the day before she got married her FI turned into a monster – she went through with it because she was embarasse, didn’t want to call off the wedding a day before, and thought it was just a fluke.  Things didn’t get better, they got worse much much worse. It took her a year of hell (and coming close to him killing her) before she realized she had to get out. Don’t be embarassed to end it after a few months – things happen, people change.  No one would have known how crazy this guy was from the way he acted before they got married (including my friend).

I cannot emphasize enought to get out now while you still can.  Please at the very least seek out counseling for yourself.  

It is not your job to change him (you never will).  You’re not “good for him” you’re TOO good for him.  You deserve so much better and so much better is out there – you’ll never find it if you stay.  

Praying for you and your safety. xoxo 

Post # 7
Member
46154 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is physical and emotional abuse. Only you can decide if this is how you want to be treated the rest of your life. One caution, it may get worse.

Frankly, if I were you I would insist that we do couples counselling. If he wouldn’t particpate, I would cut my losses and run.

At the very least I suggest you start preparing an escape plan. Do you have your own bank account? Money in it? credit cards in your name?  If you don’t start now, saving some money and establishing your own credit history.

 

Post # 8
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I must add, the fact he seems to be “improving” is merely 1 stop on the cycle of violence.  He will improve, things will be great then there will be another abusive episode.  Then he will apologize, and improve and things will be great and then there will be yet another episode.  The cycle never ends.

Post # 10
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP- I feel for you, and I am praying for you to keep safe.

As for your question, I suspect the bees that can relate to this, will relate in the sense that they have had past relationships like this, that they have successfully removed themselves from and are now in much much healthier situations.

I really hope that the same will happen for you.

Post # 11
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you need to leave now. He has been physically aggressive with you, and that is NEVER OK. You didn’t “make” him do anything.

If you’re worried about having nowhere to go, find a shelter. Or call the police and file a restraining order/EPO. I don’t know the rules about this, but it might be that he’s the one who would have to get out of the house.

Moving out doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce. If he agrees to go to counseling and respect your boundaries, there might be hope. But you’re in a relationship that doesn’t sound like it offers any benefits to you — you’re abused in many ways and see it as your role to make him better. You can’t. Only he can do that. You deserve to be with someone who will do as much for your as you do for him.

Please be careful and get help!

Post # 12
Member
9630 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are being abused.  What he is doing to you is WRONG on so many levels.  I used to be married to someone exactly as you describe.  After 12 years of being treated like that I left him and never looked back.  I despised him after many years of being treated so cruelly and disrespectfully.

What I recommend is for you to start reading up on Narcissism and NPD.  And also read up on the signs of abuse and the cycle of abuse.  You have named many signs of abuse just in your first post.

Love does not look like that.  I am now engaged to a man who consistently treats me with kindness, patience and respect.  Who would never dream of insulting me, hurting my feelings or raising his voice at me, let alone his hand.

My heart goes out to you and I hope and pray you can find the strength inside you to protect yourself from further abuse.

Oh, and we (my ex-husband and I) went through some “counseling.”  The counselor told me privately that there was nothing whatsoever wrong with me in any way, that I was a very psychologically healthy person and my HUSBAND was my only problem.  I was continually called “crazy” by my ex but it was wonderful being able to throw clinical, professional test results in his face that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t crazy in the least.  The only crazy thing about me was that I tried to fix a marriage with that loser for so long – what a waste of time.

Happiness exists.  Love is real.  It’s out there.  You won’t find it with him.

Edit to add:  It’s so sad that he’s already treating you this way in your honeymoon months.  I say this because abuse always escalates with time.  Please find a way out.

Post # 14
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You are being physically & emotionally abused. You need to get out of that situation. End of story. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. But you deserve better. Find some support with your friends & family. Since he appears to have a temper I would make a secret escape and make sure you have a safe place to go to.

Post # 15
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Bobby:  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Please read up on Narcissism, your DH sounds like he has many of the typical characteristics of a narcissist and unfortunately narcissists don’t “get better”, there is no amount of counseling that is going to make this man a good husband to you. 

You can find a lot of support and help online and there are many books on it, I’ve lived with a narcissist before and once I recognized what I was dealing with all the crazy started to make sense.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist is unhealthy and will break you.  Please get yourself into counseling so you can make choices that are good for YOU.

Post # 16
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is a very difficult situation and only you really know what you want to do. From reading your post, you site the reasons as not wanting to divorce him as:embarrassment and having to move awaysad you have no family here. That sounds to me like you actually want to but are coming up with excuses not to divorce him. He sounds abusive, whether or not you think you’re a good influence for him shouldn’t really come into it. If you are not happy, you need to do something about it. It might be to ask him to move out for a while, but if you ate unhappy,a only you can put steps in place to fix it. All the reasons you site can be fixed, you could move home, to another state or stay there and move out. You say that you can work again foon so that should be an incentive to do what you want to do. Noone should embarrass you on purpose, and if you continually enable him to act this way, he’s not going to change. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce, but you must to something. 

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