Post # 1
To set the context a little, we are coming up to our 8th anniversary on the 29th. SO has said that he will propose before then. He has the ring (but he doesn’t know I know, although we’re so close now he must realise!). Also, he has to go away on the 22nd to work away for 3 months, albeit coming home at weekends, so our engagement was highly likely to be next weekend.
However, my grandfather sadly passed away last weekend and the funeral is scheduled for the 19th. Now we both feel a little weird about it. SO is worried about the timing being insensitive, and also doesn’t want the sadness of the funeral to overshadow our happy news. At the same time, the family could do with some happy news. I have said that I am quite happy to delay it a few weeks. SO is going to think about it. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts/ suggestions/ advice? 🙂
Post # 2
Hmm, it’s a tough one. Sorry to hear about your Grandad passing.
Great that it’s nearly proposal time and he has the ring though! I don’t think many would see it as insensitive and I’m sure your Grandad would like for everyone that is left behind to live full and happy lives. Perhaps your FI could wait until the weekend after your anniversary – arrange a special celebration then, it would take away the surprise but also be in a different month from the funeral.
Post # 3
emerald_halo: thanks for your thoughts 🙂 it’s so tricky. The other caveat is that my Dad is getting married on April 18th so we don’t want to be too close to that either!
Post # 4
LittleWigeon: I wouldn’t worry about the timing too much. My great grandma passed away and some family members (2nd cousins who I am not close to) didn’t know I was engaged until we were at the funeral.
I also gave some save the dates to aunts and uncles in person. Never heard anyone say it was tacky or rude. It seemed to give them something to be excited about and I was pretty worried that they would be upset with my timing. But my mom and grandma both said it would be fine…and they were right.
Post # 5
My engagement was announced at my greatgrand mother’s funeral dinner lol. Mom decided to tell everyone about it at this timing because most of my family and relatives live in other states. Thing is though, my great grandmother was 99 years old and died for old age. Everyone was happy for her peaceful death. We talked about the old times and overall a very happy famiy gathering.
You can’t wait forever though. There is always a chance you might get another funeral to attend 3 month later… 🙁
Post # 6
Get engaged now, but tell people about it later. My reasoning: I was on Cloud 9 when I became engaged. As soon as a I shared with friends and family, the stress started. One friend showed up with a stack of wedding magazines and a list of about 80 things I had to do to plan a wedding. Other drama with family ensued.
Use the time when NO ONE else knows to have discussions about what you want to do for a wedding, how much you want to spend, how long you want to wait, etc. It seems to me, from my own experience and from reading these boards, that friends and family get so excited they almost want to take over your wedding planning.
Post # 7
Carolsays: This. Lol. As soon as people know they come out of the woodwork. Enjoy the engaged time BEFORE all of that starts.
It does suck about the timing, but at the same time, I’m sure your granddad would want you to be happy and have everyone moving forward with their lives. <3 I’m sorry for your loss, btw.
Post # 8
Carolsays: Keeping it quiet isn’t really an option; I’ve got a very close-knit family.
It’s really hard to know what’s the right thing to do, both for us and for the family. It just doesn’t feel quite right for it to happen a few days before the funeral. Even if he did it on/ near our anniversary, he knows I’m not worried about a surprise so I’d be fine with that.
Thanks all for the thoughts so far 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2015 - Alexander Homestead
LittleWigeon: I am so sorry to hear of your grandfather passing as well. I have a similar situation where my FI would be celebrating 8 years this year and said he would propose before this summer and we got some bad news about his brother who is extremely close to. FI had already made plans to propose on Valentine’s Day and still moved forward with the plans athough everyone was kind of down about his brother’s news and it really helped to lift everyone’s spirits! Kind of gave them hope for a happy future I guess and they lived that vicariously through us. His mom was thrilled, sister was thrilled and I think it gave everyone something to take their mind off of his brother for a while. You may be pleasantly surprised how your family receives the news. Best wishes to you both!<br /> <3
Post # 10
First off, I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather.
This exact thing happened to FI and I. But, we knew my grandmother was going to pass soon, so we tried to time the engagement so that she would be alive when it would happen. We thought getting Engaged on my birthday (December 1st) was he perfect time. FI set it all up with the store we bought the ring from (which was Birks – almost like a Canadian Tiffany’s – FI bought from them because he expected amazing customer service, unfourtanately we didn’t get that) Birk’s promised FI he would be able to pick up the ring on Nov 26th.
Long story short FI went to pick up the ring, and it wasn’t ready, it was in another city 8 hours away being resized and we wouldn’t have it for “weeks” accoring to them. FI was SO mad, but we still had hope it COULD be ready before my grandmother passed.
It ended up that it didn’t happen, my grandmother passed December 4th and we got the ring December 7th. My grandmothers Memorial serive was booked for Dec 15th. We talked to my parents and they said not to delay our plans because of my grandmother, or the memorial, because she wouldn’t want us to delay our engagement. So we got engaged December 8th. Looking back now, neither FI or I regret our timing.
You just have to do what feels right to you, and your FI. In a way I still feel like my grandmother was part of our engagement in some weird way, when I think back to when we got engaged, shes always in those thoughs too. None of my family members were upset, they all said, just becuse something sad happens doesn’t mean good things can’t happen around the same time.
Post # 11
Just like life doesn’t get put in hold when people have weddings, life doesn’t get out on hold for funerals either. There will be a time for grief (during the service) and then there will be a time for celebration of life (at the wake). It may sound weird but some of my best memories with my family were when we were all together at a wake, talking about the loved one who had just passed, remembering them fondly but also talking about the future. Take the opportunity to share celebrate your amazing news with them then.
Like you said, they need something happy in their lives to balance it out.
Post # 13
Do whatever works for you!
My mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 10 days before our wedding…we decided to go through with the wedding and I’m glad we did. I knew that’s what she would have wanted, and it truly was a spot of joy for the whole family in a very hard time. that said, do what is right for you.
Post # 12
I am getting married in 3 weeks and his grandmother passed away in December. Due to the cold weather they thought they were going to have the funeral just 2 days after we got married. Luckely the cold weather thawed a bit to get into the ground. I would say get engaged as planned because families get excited to discuss things like this when they are together.
Post # 14
We were in a similar situation. FI’s grandpa had been very sick for a while, and everyone in the family knew the time would be soon. We didn’t take that into consideration though when we got engaged, because we didn’t realize it would be THAT soon. FI proposed and was able to call his grandpa to tell him the happy news, and I’m so glad he had that opportunity. A couple of months passed, and then we were unfortunately attending his grandpa’s funeral. This was the first time I was meeting his dad’s side of the family, and it became the first time they found out about the engagement. FI’s parents didn’t pass on the news of our engagement (personal issues, I’ve posted about it in the past), so at FI’s grandpa’s funeral, his cousins and aunts wanted to hear about our relationship and the proposal. Nobody found it insensitive, and it actually brought a very happy mood to the group.
Also, forgot to note that FI’s parents originally tried to schedule the funeral on FI’s birthday, so it may not matter to some families if you mix a funeral with a happy event (even though in this case, FI’s fam was just being insensitive).
Post # 15
Thank you all so much for your thoughts 🙂 we talked about it again last night and both said that we would feel more comfortable waiting just a couple more weeks which, in the grand scheme of things, is no time at all.