Difficulties all around with this bridal party situation…

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FutureMrsLAL:  

1.Stop searching for a diplomatic way to tell the MOH and the MOB that you can’t afford their plans. Just use clear language.

Send them an  email and copy it to all the bridal party. I woould leave the bride out of it for the time being.

“I cannot afford the contribition you have suggested for the shower. I am willing to contribute $___ and that includes any food contribution. I am sorry if this causes problems for you, but i know that you will appreciate my communication so plans can be scaled back if necessary.”

2. If you do #1, I think it will help with number 2. Many people are reluctant to discuss finances with other people. That may be the reason the other BM’s are not responding. If you start the ball rolling, they may have the nerve to speak up.

Post # 3
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

So, I know my opinion might be somewhat radical/unpopular, but I’m a big believer that events such as the bridal shower/bachelorette party should only be hosted if the bride herself can fund it. We ask so much of our bridesmaids already on the day of the wedding — to wear an expensive dress they will most likely never wear again, pay for travel/hotel, hair/make up,  take time off work, give a gift, etc. Asking  them to fund multiple events before the wedding is ridiculous, especially in this economy. There is no etiquette guide on earth that states the bridal party is responsible for paying for these events. Your only obligation is to support her on the wedding day.

No one can force you to pay for anything. Are any of the other bridesmaids in town? You need to go with at least two of the other bridesmaids and have coffee with the bride. Tell her that, while you would love to help her have the wedding of her dreams, funding the country club bridal shower is not a financial reality for her bridesmaids. Give her some back up options. 1) One of you could host the shower at your home, providing muffins/scones/bagels, etc for roughly 20-30 people. 2) You could have a potluck picnic in a local park.

If she is not happy with either of those options and wants to stick to the country club plan, then the bill is on her and her mother. My sense is that none of the other bridesmaids are saying this because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news. But this is a ridiculous request on the bride’s part. And if she is willing to spoil her friendships over her own sense of entitlement, then the fault is with her.

Post # 4
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and be very upfront about your budget. Tell the entire bridal party and MOB that you can only afford to spend $100 total on your share of the bridal shower. You could also offer your time and effort to do hosting duties during the shower (greeting guests, organizing gifts, creating the bow hat, etc.). Maybe the silent maids will feel more confident to speak-up about their own limits after you break the ice. 

Post # 5
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m with @eilean on this one…. 

My MOH and FSIL want to throw me a Bridal Shower. Due to the ridiculous size of my FI’s family, an “intimate” Bridal Shower is over 70 people. I refuse to make my MOH or any other bridesmaids foot the bill. My MOH said they’ll probably contribute 100 bucks each. If they do, awesome. If they don’t, I already had money set aside to cover the rentals of chairs and umbrellas and stuff for the party. 

It isn’t your responsibility to cater to their Champagne taste. You tell her what you can do, and stick to it. 

Post # 7
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

julies1949:  +1

I agree that you should just be honest with them about how much you are willing to contribute and suggest scaling back plans if that’s going to cause a problem.  No one can FORCE you to host a party and if you are hosting, that means that you get to choose the venue/control the budget/etc.

Regarding the communication with the other Bridesmaids…not really your problem.  I’d let the MOH take on the burden of wrangling them.

 

Post # 8
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FutureMrsLAL:  I would then follow up with an email to the MOH copied to all

” If you persist in your plans for the 60 person country club shower, I will assume that you and the MOB are picking up the tab for the difference between what the BM’s can afford to contribute and what the shower will cost.”

There really is no financial risk to you or the other BM’s as I am sure that the country club required that the  MOH or MOB ( or both) accept financial responsibility.

Post # 9
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d also let the MOH try to track people down for their money. You and another BM have been upfront and honest about your budget, the bride, MOB and MOH aren’t changing their tune.  If I was one of the other BM’s I”d be hard to reach as well.  I could see contrib to a small bridal shower but if the MOB invites 60 people and thinks the BMs should pay ….she must be on heavy medication.  I really don’t get it.  If I were you I would do what you have said and no more.  It’s not your job to track these people down it’s the MOH… I would sit back and bask in the glow of being the Lowly BM. 

Post # 10
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

Where the heck does the exorbitant cost come in when you’re supposed to bring champagne and 6 dishes ( one from each of you) to feed 60 people? What is the Club providing ? The room? It all doesn’t make much sense. What kind of money are we talking, anyway? Does that include the amount for a group gift?

We’ve just had 2 CC showers, and the cost pp was just $20., and both had between 60-70 guests. BM’s contributed a certain amount, and both Moms split the rest.

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