Post # 1
Long post…apologies ahead of time…and kind of a rant. My FI is having one of his best friends be his best man at our wedding. The guy is a generally nice person but very opinionated and feels like he always need to be right. Anyway I have tried to befriend some of my FI’s friends when I started dating him 2 years ago. They all seemed like nice people and people I wouldn’t mind getting to know. Fast forward two years…I get this very curt text message from my FI’s best man stating that it has come to his attention that I have been ignoring his wife and that this behavior will not be tolerated. I never hear from my FI’s friend unless we are trying to plan something with him and his wife. To get to the point, his wife and I talk a lot and lately the conversations have been getting pretty long and intense about things related to our wedding, relationships (marriage, etc.), and other things. The last 3-4 conversations I have had with her ended up being an hour long ramble about how I don’t respect her opinion (because I don’t agree with her) and how I am not willing to change. I got tired of the constant chatter from her about how I shouldn’t disagree with her and because of it I am a close-minded person. To be honest, I wasn’t ignoring her but not necessarily seeking out conversation from her. Well my FI calls his friend and he proceeds to tell him how his friends have been affected by behavior in the past couple of years. I have no idea what he is referring to as he tells my FI about things that happened 6-18 months ago. I tell him that I wish his friends would have approached me directly if they had issue with me. He tells that I should have known what I was doing was wrong and should have fixed the problem. At this point I get a message from his wife saying I should address personally with all of these people and that she doesn’t want to get involved. I did speak to one of the people who had issue with me who had no idea what I was referring to and that she liked being friends with me and another who proceeded to tell me how I wronged her when I first met her 2 years ago and how she doesn’t really consider me a friend even though on several occasions she has thanked me for being a good friend. I am at a loss for words at this point, I thought these people were my “friends” so to speak and I guess I am having trouble understanding why this is being brought up now as my FI and I are planning our wedding. I am not thinking that there is malicious intent behind all of this, just confused as to why I am hearing it from my FI’s best man and his wife rather than the people who supposedly have “issue” with me. I feel like I need to stay out of my FI’s friends’ lives. These were people I considered “friends” up until this point. I don’t need or want the drama right now. Bees, what would you do in this situation? My gut instinct is telling me to stay out of the fray.
Post # 3
First of all paragraphs. Second, I’m confused. You stopped seeking out BM’s wife for conversations because she belittled you for not agreeing with her so now the rest of FI’s friends have an issue with you according to BM? It sounds to me like the BM is stirring up drama. I would talk to people directly and aviod intermediaries. Having other people deliver your opinions/issues is very high school.
Post # 4
@Eckle: Sorry about not breaking that up into paragraphs! Yes, that is thinking also, the fact that they are having the BM and his wife deliver this to me is very juvenile. And I also don’t find it productive that they are issues that happened anywhere from 6 months ago to more than a year ago. The funny thing is the FI’s best man supposedly hates drama and hates it when people stir up drama. He told me I was being dramatic when I told him how annoyed I was about receiving second hand knowledge about things I was completely unaware of up until this point. And I also asked him why these people have not addresses me directly and he said that it wasn’t important.
Post # 5
Sounds like your best man is a bit of a s**t stirrer. Can you invite those voncernedbover without him and his wife and talk to them with your fi to get to the bottom of it. Personally i wouldnt enable bm or his wife, be polite and civil but youre not obliged to be best pals with them. Its nice when it worksout that way but tbh it just sounds like they like the attention. You’re better than that 🙂
Post # 6
@lovelylight99: lol It’s generally the people that cry ‘I hate drama’ the loudest that are the ones that stir it up the most! It’s like my teenage daughter saying ‘I’m mature’…’No, honey…you’re not…especially when you say that and stomp your feet and pout at the same time!’
Post # 7
@lovelylight99: Distance yourself from these people. It’s not worth your time or energy. I hope your fiance is taking your side and sticking up for you as well. Good luck!
Post # 8
Honestly wtf is this high school??? I find ridiculous. As far as I’m concern I don’t need to be “friends” with any of my Fi friends and their spouses. I only had drama with one girlfriend and I kept it on the surface level and no issues since then.
Don’t listen to their nonsense, don’t go asking people “what you did wrong”. I think sometimes it’s best to be friend and polite then you keeping it moving. By the way he needs to watch his tone and how he speaks to you. You aren’t his child and he sounds like a total ass with that text.
My advice is don’t engage with them and do exactly opposite of what he said ignore the wife, don’t’ text and talk to her. when you see her person be polite but keep it a surface relationship.
Post # 9
My DH friends wives I speak to when I see them. I don’t text them often, except one, and she is kind of whiney so I just don’t answer her texts or I just say ok to whatever she says. Basically I let her rant. I don’t egg her on for more conversation. I would steer clear of these people and like a PP said, don’t ask what you did wrong. You probably didn’t do anything wrong. They are just sensitive and trying to start something.
Post # 10
Thanks Bees! I appreciate the advice. I just thought it was odd that everything was held in this long and that they waited until now to address it. It is hard for me to sometimes not take things personally especially when I feel like I am being bombarded (like with this situation). But wedding planning stress isn’t helping either! I appreciate the input and glad that I am not completely off kelter for thinking this was a bit weird and rude.
Post # 11
I had a similar thing happen with my Fiance’s friends about a year into our relationship right after we moved in together. Several of them realized I wasn’t going anywhere and this was a long term deal and now that we lived together their “bachelor” lifestyle of video games at OUR house until 3am four night a week just wasn’t going to fly. All of a sudden I was the bad guy (for having to get up at 4am for an hour long commute to work) and I (and all of Facebook. LOL!) was told by them that I was a controling b*tch and all the times we hung out and the friendly things I did for them (as I was starting to consider them my friends as well) I had done just so I could hold it over their heads.
It was really weird and immature. We stopped talking to them and for months (maybe even now still) they would continue to stalk of via facebook and make snide comments to mutual friends. We essentially cut them out of our lives after they wouldnt appologize and contunued to blame me.
It really sucks and I feel your pain. It was hard for us to deal with because this group was a really huge part of his life at that time but in the end, we could see what kind of people they were and our lives are so much better without them in it.
(As a side note, my fiance’s ex-best friend who was involved recently started chatting him up. I got really anxious and asked if he was planning to invite him to the wedding. He assured me he was not. He said he only wants people there who have supported our relationship and loved us through the whole thing. So that was a weight off my mind!)