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Well...
Let me begin by saying, this is going to be long. I'm dealing with a LOT of hurt feelings (mine) and just total surprise, that I don't even know if I'll be making sense.
So here's my question to all of you Daughters-In-Law who treat your MIL's like crap - and NOT when the MIL treats you badly. (those MIL's I 100% understand and I'd behave nasty also, fortunately, my MIL is a gem, and so have been my past MIL's).
Why do you write about how awful your husband's side of the family is, or what they did or didn't do - but when it comes down to your own family (especially if you are very close to them), it's okay to overlook it?
I THOUGHT I had a wonderful relationship with my "Future" DIL. We would talk, we would joke around, we'd email, FB message or chat, etc. I was so excited to see the kids get married, I couldn't WAIT for the wedding to see her walking down the aisle toward my son.
The kids got married in the Fall. Since then. Not. One. Word.
I send text messages - I am ignored.
I send messages on FB - Yup, you got it. Ignored.
I talk to my son, maybe 1 or 2 times a month. I have never been one to interfere or ask questions, I have always figured it's not my business, and I prefer to NOT be considered "nosy" or whatever it is these days.
The wedding was beautiful! It rained every day - except for the wedding! The wedding was in a different state than where the Bride/Groom, my husband & I, and the majority of the Bride's family lives. Also, the groom/my son has 2 brothers scattered across the country.
The wedding was held at one of the Groom's relatives home's. The week before the wedding my husband and I were out helping to put up the tent, clean the house, etc, making sure we could get everything together until the happy couple and her parents arrived. No problem, we didn't mind; I personally love doing that kind of stuff, all of the "set up/pre" work!
On the day of the wedding, there was quite a bit of finishing up to get done. However, the bridal party - her folks, maids, son's groomsmen - all got ready at the house (well, I don't think my son did, can't remember, sorry). They were running behind schedule. My husband and I - in-laws-to-be - were not invited to go along, so we didn't get ready. We were, actually, put in charge of "finishing up". Okay. Well, then that would mean that my relatives had to do all of the work. Right, and be at the wedding too? AND get ready?
Guess what - when my son left for the photos - he took the car my husband and I were borrowing. Now we have no vehicle to get wherever we are supposed to be. The only thing we were told was where to be for the photos and what time.
Here's where I did a major FUBAR.
We were late. In fact, we did not even GET to the ceremony site until about 15 minutes before it started.
Unbeknownst to the kids already at the site:
1. We had no car. Sooo, how were we supposed to get there? I didn't realize when my son said he had permission to take the car that he wasn't bringing it back!
2. Up until 3PM we were CLEANING THE HOUSE and the bathroom. It was a mess - the bathroom that is. We also had to fix the toilet seat as somehow that got broken during the "getting ready" portion of the photography.. THREE different people can confirm this.
3. At 2:45PM we were still waiting for the truck that had all of the chairs (or something like that) so we could take it over to the ceremony site and set them up. Now, if me, my husband, and two others had left, that would mean that the two who were setting up the chairs wouldn't have a way to get back to the house, get showered, get dressed, get back to the ceremony - because, we now are down a vehicle. So, we are trying to coordinate, but the entire party is running late, no one is communicating with us, you name it! (mind you, the portion of the wedding party that was supposed to take care of this and who had the chairs was running behind, which put THIS side of the family behind - but WE (the grooms side, or rather is entire maternal side) are the ones who are being faulted here.
4. Lastly - I had a major meltdown. I felt horrible, I looked horrible, I KNEW I looked horrible. I was at the point that I didn't even want to go because I didn't want to embarrass the kids. We are talking major crying jag. I couldn't do anything with my hair (humidity).
So we finally get to the ceremony site, like I said, about 15 minutes before it starts. Oh boy, my son comes over to me and just tells me off. Even my ex-husband looked at him like, "Did he really just talk to you like that?" I was upset, I walked away crying, I didn't even want to be there.
Okay - I GET that he is worried about his Bride, and I accept that. Like I said, it was a huge mistake on my part. It definitely was NOT intentional to be late for pictures.
(...to be continued...)
Being STANK is never acceptable. Whether isn't coming from your son or his bride. That's just RUDE... so sorry to hear that.
I'm sorry, but I don't really understand why you were cleaning the house when you were supposed to be at pictures? Did you call your son to get the car back? Couldn't you call a cab? I mean it's your son's wedding and you aren't the cleaning lady or the handyman, regardless of whether you thought it was your job. I'm sure she didn't care whether her bathroom was clean, it was more important to see her new MIL.
I'm sure you DIL has no idea what happened that day other than you didn't show up for pictures and didn't put effort into your appearance. I'd be pretty miffed if my MIL showed up without makeup or whatnot. Maybe have them over for dinner and bring it up?
I have a very nice MIL, but we don't really talk. They just aren't my parents and I'm not that close to them. I talk to my mom every single day for maybe an hour. She's crazy, but it's okay and I never get mad at her because she's my mom! I just have never felt close to my MIL or FIL and I'm not sure why or what I could do to fix that. I think most people have that relationship with their in laws.
@r0ddysm0m: That's terrible. What a mess of a time you had. You think they'd be over you being late for pictures. Shame on them!
Pink Magnolia-This was at her family's home that they left a mess and broke the toilet seat. I think where people were returning to.
@PinkMagnolia: I completely agree. The bride probably has no clue what went on and is only concentrating on the fact that you weren't there at the proper time. That said, the only thing you could have done was to say that you wouldn't be available to do everything that you were tasked to do because you're in the wedding party too!
You might want to copy this thread and send it to your son. In the meantime, I would stop texting and calling all the time. They're not going to listen to you if it seems like you're being pushy. Maybe they'll come around faster if they miss you being around.
Part of my problem with my FMIL is that she's very sweet and nice... about 99.5% of the time, as long as she gets her way. When we hit a snag in the planning (her list of people to invite was about 16 people heavy), she became very passive aggressive, constantly calling, emailing, asking how everything is going... and to be honest, it just drove the wedge in deeper. They are his parents, and I will always respect them as such, but I definitely see them a little differently now.
(... continued...)
A family member flew in from out of town with his girlfriend.
I later was told... "Why did they even bother coming, they didn't get up and talk to anyone."
Wow.. oh wow.. how hurtful. My son said this to me, and he said, "That's what my wife said." Why did they bother coming if they weren't going to get up and talk to people?
The family member who flew in spent over 1000 just to be there at the wedding and see the ceremony. How often did the couple go over and talk to the guy who flew in? Maybe they did at some point, I honestly don't know. I wasn't paying much attention to it though quite honestly. I was watching everyone else having a good time, talking to people I hadn't seen in awhile. LETTING THE KIDS HAVE FUN and just watching. It's what I do. I'm an INTROVERT. I don't go around making conversation - added to the fact that I also felt horrible.
At some point I went into the house and started helping my relatives put things away. We had to find containers for all of the leftovers! No one mentioned that we would need to take care of all of this food! (and it was A LOT of food!) Not ONE person from the brides side of the family came in and offered to help put it away - they were having a good time. WHICH IS OKAY - don't get me wrong. But still, somoene had to take care of it.
Instead, we (the maternal side of the grooms family) are escaping from the reception and not out celebrating with the couple!
I could honestly go on and on about what I recently found out how she is feeling the grooms maternal side of the family did or did not do. I just honestly don't understand why it is happening and why she is feeling this way. I really don't, and it's so very hurtful. I haven't told my parents because I know my mom would be very hurt too. My own mom and dad don't need to know.
I thought - albeit hindsight is 20/20 - that helping to take care of all of those things so everyone else could celebrate would be the thing to do since no one was designated to take care of it all!
You know.. my adopted dad died in a few months back.. and I never got a sympathy card or any kind of note from the kids? I was heartbroken when he passed. (He was just a friend, but I called him my adopted dad).
I know she is close to her family, and that's great. I'm close to my folks. I know my son is very, very close to her family - and I am honestly 100% thrilled they have taken him in and given him the kind of family and welcome he did not have while he was growing up.
I guess I just want some advice on what to do.
It's not easy to talk to her, and especially not a face-to-face, as we are several hours away. I'm just hurt, disappointed - disillusioned is probably a better word for it....
Wait....I'm very confused right now. Your son is the one who went off and yelled at you, but the person you've been trying to contact is your DIL? Why aren't you contacting your son? It sure sounds like he was every bit as upset as the bride, and probably more so because you're his mother. Based on the info you give about your relatinship with your DIL before the wedding it seems like you saw her as a reasonable, likeable person....but you start this whole entry off by basically describing her as a horrible, irrational person who is the reason your son isn't talking to you. I think you need to get in contact with your son and work things out with him before your DIL will be able to talk to you, especially if your son is legitamitely upset about something. Honestly, it may be that they have some misunderstanding of what occurred, and I doubt that this is just the issue of the photos--when you arrived did you try to explain? Did you act like the wedding was the absolute last place in the world you wanted to be (because that sounds like what happened, and that alone would put a bride and groom in a bad mood)? I think you need to look at what it looked like from their side--not knowing what else happened that day, they see you arrive looking unhappy and not happy for them.
Personally, my wedding day was one big blurr of craziness. I lost track of who was supposed to do what/when/etc because it was my wedding day and I was a wee bit frazzled. And I'm pretty sure alot of brides feel this way. It sounds to me like there was just a huge break down in communication on what needed to happen on your son's wedding day.
While I commend you for working so hard to get things done and looking nice, at a certain point, I would have just thrown in the towel so you could get ready. I went to work at 4:00 AM on my sister's wedding day because it was the ONE day I couldn't be away from the office. I was stressed to the max b/c it was such an important day, but eventually, I had to step away from the office and head over to get ready for the wedding.
As for your DIL not "talking" to you, I'm the same way. I get along with my MIL, but don't have the relationship where I talk to her all the time. DH calls his mom whenever he wants. DH and I were in an LDR when we first married, so our situation was different. But I remember alot of my friends basically dropping off the face of the earth for the first few months of married life....because they were newlyweds. Trust me, hanging out/talking to my mom, ESPECIALLY my MIL was the last thing on my mind when I was first married. lol
Lastly, it's easier to overlook things with our moms rather than MILs. After all, they are our moms, sisters, brothers, etc...I've had 30 years of bonding and getting through life's experiences with my mom. Naturally, when you have that much time of getting to know someone and love someone you are going to overlook disagreements easier than with someone you don't have a closer bond with. I'm not saying that's right, but that's how it is for me.
I believe that if you take it upon yourself to do things like put food away while everyone else is having fun at the reception, you can't blame anyone but yourself. Maybe the bride's side would have just thrown it out?
I think you just need to let it go. It was her wedding and if she loved it, there's no reason to tell her how much you hated it or what all went wrong. That would just hurt her worse.
My MIL did a lot of things at the wedding that really hurt me and that my friends are still talking about (like driving our getaway car to our hotel even though DH was sober). Just let it go and discuss other things with her when you see her.
@r0ddysm0m: Ok with your second update. You need to call your SON. You have way too much anger at your DIL to speak to her, and honestly, it seems like she was hurt and got angry, then you got hurt and angry over that. WAY TOO MANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS ARE GOING ON HERE. Call your son, but don't bash his wife. Explain what happened and why you were feeling that way on the day, and that you think he and DIL may have interpreted your introversion and attempts to help as not being engaged and part of the celebration. Let him explain his feelings on the matter. But seriously, if you want a good relationship with your son and DIL in the future, you need to let some of that anger at her go, and you need to hash things out with your son.
@Pink Magnolia - We were cleaning up because there was no one else to do it! The "getting ready" was all at one of my relatives homes. From this home, the Bridal Party took off (and when my son grabbed the car we were using). We had no idea that this stuff wouldn't be at least cleaned up and put away or in a different room so the bathroom was okay to use. There was no one else to clean it all up.
Plus, as I said, there were also some last minute things that needed done for the reception. Since the Bridal Party had to get ready for photos who else was there to take care of it?
Yep - me and my relatives. Which now, we are cutting down on the time for US to get ready.
As far as makeup - I had it on. By the time I got to the ceremony, I had sweated it all off from the humidity. Before the ceremony, the last time I put makeup on was back in 1997. That's how much I wear it. (In fact, I think some of the makeup I used was actually powder stuff from way back then). I don't wear it going out, in the house, for work, etc. My standard issue clothing is sweatpants and a t-shirt.
@r0ddysm0m: I think there is nothing you can do about many of the things that you are upset about other than speak to your son about them. I'm not sure why you felt like you had to be cleaning during or after the wedding, but maybe you should have either spoken up and said that you would like to be there celebrating with everyone else. I also don't see why you felt like you had to go clean up during the reception. I think you just need to let go of your anger about all of this and move on.
I'm wondering if it's possible that there has been a huge amount of miscommunication between yourself and your son. Is it possible that he didn't relay information to you regarding set up, etc?
My in laws NEVER call us/don't ask what's going on, etc. They also don't want to interfere, however it can often come across as uninterested. During wedding planning, I had to rely on my DH to pass information along. It didn't always get passed correctly and often was ignored/forgotten when it was passed along. I tried to have conversations about the wedding with my MIL (who I do love, fyi) but she didn't appear interested and NEVER asked us questions about what was going on. In the end, there were a lot of screw ups because of people not listening, not caring, not paying attention. I didn't realise until it was too late what was happening and, to be honest, my DH had faith that he's family was actually paying attention; they weren't. I'm not saying what happened is your fault; I'm just wondering if something mis-fired here.
If you DIL doesn't know you well or thinks that things at the house were planned (perhaps by your son), she could see your being late, not mingling, hanging out in the kitchen as you not caring/being upset/not being happy. I know you didn't mean it that way, but I could see her feeling that way.
I've read your other posts and it seems like maybe your issue here is with your son and not your DIL. If you don't have a close relationship with your son, it will be super difficult for your DIL to cultivate a relationship with you.
EDIT: To answer your question about why relationships with in laws are difficult, it's because they aren't the people you've known for your entire life. If I asked my DH what the most difficult thing is about being married, he would say "in laws" and he loves my parents. I *get* my family because they are my family and he *gets* his family because they are his family. You understand the history, communication style, lifestyle, etc because that's what you've been exposed too. Most of the problems expressed on the 'Bee are because of miscommunication and because of people dealing with the *other*. It just not what you're used to. It's somebody elses' Christmas, summer vacation, grandchildren expectations, etc that you're just not used to.
I meant why were you cleaning before the wedding? Surely you can clean on the day after?
But anyways, I feel like the closer you are to your son, the more your DIL will love you. My DH and his mom are super duper close and I try extra hard to make her like me too. I would never try to come between them because they are close. With my ex, his mom was awful and I heard daily from my ex how awful she was. So that made me treat her badly, never call her and I thought differently of her because of all that she had done wrong to my ex.
@ArwenBride: & @PinkMagnolia: THIS!
You will never be able to work on things with DIL if things aren't good with your son. So many of my issues with my future in-laws stem from how I perceive them to treat my FI and how he feels toward them. If FI is happy with them and they are good to him and civil to me then nothing could make me say a bad word or act badly to them no matter what my feelings are. There is a serious missing link here with your son.
@MsLongcoat - you mentioned stop texting, etc. I don't! I have texted my DIL TWICE since the wedding. First time was the day after, when I knew they were at the airport (we left all at the same time, just different terminals), and I said, "Beautiful wedding, have a wonderful trip". The second time was right around Christmas.
As far as phone calls - that's something I don't do. I haven't called since.... probably a year ago? (to my DIL that is). Usually my son calls me every other week. If he doesn't call, then I will call him (for example, he called right after Xmas, I hadn't heard from the kids by Jan. 16th, so I called him.) It's definitely not a daily thing or even a weekly thing. FB - same thing. I sent two messages a couple of months apart, one was even about my son's xmas gifts and I asked a question. Never got a response.
Also...
Please, please stop thinking I'm angry. I am not angry over this all. If I was po'd I would say I was pissed off.
I'm hurt and upset that she is not looking at the entire picture of everything that went on, and blaming this side of the family. My parents (son's grandparents) feel that they have been ignored also since the wedding. The family that housed the reception felt hurt that they didn't even hear anything right away after the wedding.
I talked to the family who held the reception last night (I found out most of this stuff how my DIL is feeling just over the weekend, and thought about it for a few days before talking to anyone so I could sort out my own feelings), and when I asked if they had heard anything from the kids, and she said, "I haven't heard from ---- since before the wedding, we were emailing each other all of the time, but since the wedding, nothing. Wonder what went wrong?"
So - it's not that anyone is angry - far from it.
Bewildered, hurt, feeling pushed aside - I don't know how else to describe it??? (and good adjectives out there?)
From reading your two stories, it sounds like you put a lot on yourself and are now blaming the DIL for the miscommunications.
Yes, the toliet was broken and it was a family home, but if the reception wasn't there, it wasn't an immediate need. And I understand not having the car, but could no one have called your son or one of his groomsmen? There are so many misunderstandings and cases in which you took on most of the work without being asked in this story. It is not your job to clean up or put away food. It is not your day to work out those logistics. It was your day to enjoy with your family and guests. If it didn't get done, then it would have been on the bride and groom... end of story.
As for your children's behaviors about your adoptive parents, let me just interject that my generation is not a card giving or note writing generation. It's a poor excuse, but we just dont do those things anymore. Holding that grudge will not make anything better. Let it go.
And because I am super curious... how did the toliet break?
@r0ddysm0m: I am so sorry you are hurting! I can hear the hurt and anger here and I know you want resolution. The best advice I have is stop trying to reach out to them until you have let go of all your hurt, anger, frustration, bewilderment, whathaveyou. Often we mean well but our hurt and bewilderment seeps out and makes our well meant communication hurtful, pushy, snide etc. I have been there, I know. There is no going back and changing anything in the past. Neither you nor they can undo anything that happened that day so you just need to release it. It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable here. It isn't about taking sides, right or wrong. It is done, it is over and unfortunately we dont get a redo. You cant change anyone but yourself. You have control over no one else's reactions but your own so work on yourself. I say this with a lot of love honest! Work thru your own emotions, release all the hurt, anger, frustration, etc. Forgive them for not understanding then....seek their forgiveness. Obviously their feelings got hurt too whether or not you did it intentionally so apologize for hurting their feelings, detracting from their big day in any way and move on as a family. You are the matriarch here. You have the ability to lead humbly by example. What an amazing position you are in! You can be the peacemaker. Yay!
My apologies but it doesn't sound like you are using solid efforts at contact.
You've only sent two text messages - one which was just a simple farewell message, I could see getting that text and not replying if I was super busy and forgetting to reply. It's a text message and between that and FB - you really can't think that's solid communication
Make a solid effort with communication to her and then see where it goes. Has she ignored your phone calls or when you talk to her in person? No. Seems to me like a miscommunication. Based on what you've shared I don't think she's really to blame here.
I wanted to comment on the lack of a sympathy card too. If my grandpa died (I'm not sure if this is how your kids perceive your adopted dad), I would send a sympathy card to his wife, not to my mom.
Being in my late 20's, I'm not awfully good at writing sympathy cards though!
@r0ddysm0m: Ok, reading your second reply, I want to knwo what you want them to do or say. Or even, what advice you want us to give?
Every in-law relationship is different and marriage will change any child-parent relationship too. It is best to just let it be or to pay them a visit and get out exactly what you said to us. If they are seeing the situations wrong, then they cant be expected to know otherwise unless you tell them.
If you are calling them infrequently as you are, I urge you to have a sit down over a friendly dinner.
My two cents (and take them for what they're worth, which I've been told is less than face value, but I digress).
While getting your son or your DIL to listen is the actual problem, once you have their ear, stress what your intentions were. Your heart was in the right place; unfortunately, to them, your body was not.
I hate to say it, but if they still can't understand that you were well-intentioned, then perhaps they need time to heal and you need to just step away while they re-evaluate what is important to them.
To put the shoe on the other foot, I'm sure they never intended for you to be left behind without a car. It just was a circumstance of the craziness of the day and without strict plans, how can you (or any member of the wedding party) be sure on what to do? You just fly by the seat of your pants and hope it all works out in the end. If your DIL/son had a strict vision for their wedding, then there should have been much more planning in place. If they want you somewhere at a certain time, they should make sure you have transportation to get there. Assuming you'll get there otherwise is a bit selfish (IMO). However, your son's getting married! Break your back to get there and tell people there are bushes in the back if they need to make water so bad. From their point-of-view, your not being there on time may seem as though you don't value this day as much as they do.
While you didn't say it, I get a sense that maybe there is a tinge of hurt feelings when they didn't involve you with the "getting ready" process. Which is understandable. So you made yourself valuable where you felt you could and assumed they'd appreciate it, even if it meant sacrificing your time with them pre-wedding. Your son and his wife may have put more value in your being on time and present for pictures than having the reception home clean as a whistle.
Sorry so long-winded. I feel for all of you - it was an unfortunate set of events that will hopefully lead to some open communication and a stronger bond between you all.
@r0ddysm0m: Sorry, I was just going off of your original post:
The kids got married in the Fall. Since then. Not. One. Word.
I send text messages - I am ignored.
I send messages on FB - Yup, you got it. Ignored.
Without your explanation of how far apart the communication is, it was hard to gauge from your first posting.
My point is, I would just not reach out for a while and see what happens. They are newlyweds starting their own life together, and things are going to be different for all involved. Maybe after things settle down, they'll start calling you or make more of an effort to see you/talk to you. Until they do, though, you run the risk of looking like you're being a nuisance. In the meantime, try not to think about it anymore.
I can completely understand being upset about the lack of sympathy card if they didn't call you. If they called you and expressed their sympathy that way, I don't know if I would expect a card...mostly because just sending a card like that to my mom would be viewed as cold in my family. Of course I would call. And go to the funeral. And help my mom with whatever she needed...but I don't think that I'd send a card.
It IS odd (and rude) that they haven't been in contact with the people whose home hosted their reception...which is why I wonder if there isn't something else going on. Here's the thing: you're upset. Why don't you call your son and ask what is going on? Sending a couple of texts, etc. isn't really trying to get to the crux of the argument. Again, I'm not really seeing why you're blaming just your DIL for this situation.
EDIT: wait...I'm confused. You say that you've haven't heard from them since the fall...but your son called you after Xmas??? Do you mean you haven't heard from your DIL?
um.... am I the only one that is super confused here? Firstly... does FUBAR= faux pas? or is that something else? It seems like the whole day was super unorganized and confusing. I don't understand why your son did this.. your son did that but the DIL is getting the blame. Seriously, everything else is semantics. I don't know any bride who wrecks the place she is staying in during getting ready pictures either! If everything was such a mess, and transportation was limited at my son's wedding.. I would call in a cleaning crew the night before and rent a car. simple. Your son was an asshole for yelling at you but blame your asshole son, not his wife who prob just isn't responding to you because your son is mad at you.
Keep it coming ladies.. y'all are tossing it out there and giving me "thinkers"!
My son... is a brat! LOL When I asked him, oh, this was a couple of months ago, what was wrong (because I just felt like something was, especially when I hadn't gotten any response to a message) he said, "I dunno, you need to talk to ----". He's VERY non-confrontational. Any attempts to try and get him to tell me what is wrong, what do I need to do to fix whatever IS wrong are met with... "Everything's fine".
Very frustrating.
@ PinkMagnolia - cleaning up the bathroom, fixing the broken seat - not cleaning the entire house. By the time everyone left (the bridal party) it was almost 1pm - as I said, they were running late. We still had to clean up the bathroom, fix the seat, finish the flowers, put up chairs (they were used from the reception tent. they had to be taken down, taken over to the ceremony, then broken down there, taken back to the tent).
So before half of us even were able to get in the shower - it was almost 2pm!
While a couple of my side of the family was working on the chairs, we were ALSO waiting for the truck that was driven to haul the chairs (that didn't arrive until almost 2:45PM). Argh! I don't know how to explain the timeline. ALL of this was supposed to have been planned out - in all of the email exchanges that were done. Somehow it all got overlooked.
Also -
Someone asked.. questions about the wedding (before the wedding talking).. I over-reacted when the kids first got engaged, I was so excited for them, and I was asking a TON of questions, oh, I was so daggone excited, I was bursting at the seams with questions!!! Then I started thinking - getting worried - I was talking and asking too much, and showing too much excitement, so I backed off and let her lead the conversation! I asked her always and mentioned always if she needed any help to please let me know and I would help with something.
I just want to add something for you to think about. My MIL doesn't live close and I almost never talk to her. I don't hate her, in fact I think she's a nice lady and I encourage my H to have a relationship with her. But it's awkward to talk to her on the phone because we have nothing in common. Maybe your DIL feels the same way?
Also, I understand you are upset about what happened at the wedding. It really sucks that it happened that way. But it sounds like the problems were from rushing and lack of communication/coordination and your DIL probably wasn't even aware of everything that was going on. Try to get over what happened at the wedding and don't bring it up. Just focus on the positive points of the day.
i don't think you're upset about any of this. i think you're upset that your son has left the nest (not talking about moving out, just separating from mom) and this is how it's coming out. you're mad at her for taking your son away from you. you have to let go.
the picture you're painting is very much of a martyr/victim. choosing to clean up during the reception, missing all the fun. yes, it's your relatives house, but i'm sure there was nothing so essential that the MOG had to miss the party.
OP- no offence.. but you seem a tad bit overbearing..your rambling writing style... your actions.. your over excitement.. ---just an observation.
@r0ddysm0m: It sounds like you were the ones taking responsibility for having the reception house/yard ready when things were being left to chance and chaos-especially when the bridal party was running late. It's too bad the bride and groom took it out on you, and didn't realize why you were later than intended -and had more understanding. :(
@relaxedabout it: How in the world did you draw that conclusion?? The bride and everyone who SHOULD have been worried that the reception site was clean and set up left. So what should the poster have done? By leaving they knew they were leaving those left behind to do their work. Okay so why exactly is the DIL mad? She should be apologizing that she left the grunt work that hired ( and paid) people should have done to her MIL to do. It was this poster's CHILDS wedding. It is a big deal for her as well. I'm sorry but it sounds like the DIL has a stick up her bum.
@CallmeC: Agreed! And I couldn't have left my relative's home in such a disarray either! That's rude and inconsiderate!
@PinkMagnolia: "The wedding was held at one of the Groom's relatives home's."
which i believe is the house in question. That also meas its her relatives home. Would u want people at a wedding with a filthy bathroom?
They dropped the ball and you are paying for it by them choosing to ignore you. From where I sit, you did nothing wrong and did your best to salvage the day FOR them, and its actually pretty sad to see how ungrateful they are being. Can you just imagine the bride's face if she came back to the house where the reception was being held and it was a sloppy mess with a broken toilet seat and a dirty bathroom? You did the right thing by trying to make sure everything was as perfect as it could be, and THEY were the ones who thought the magic wedding fairies would take care of it for them~or else they just didn't care by their lack of planning it all a little better. Sounds like you wanted more for them than they wanted for themselves.
You remember that old saying about ' a son is a son til he takes a wife' ,don't you? Unless you've always had a close relationship with him, the whole dynamic is likely to change now, and this may just be the beginning.
If I were you, I'd step back and let them make the first move and let them contact you. There may come a time when you can all sit down and discuss what happened (or rather what didn't happen that day) and maybe clear the air. You may have a long wait, tho, since it sounds like they really don't have a clue about all the things you did for them and may be focusing on what they perceive you didn't do.
Okay - Like I said at the beginning.. I didn't know if anything would be coherent or more confusing!
1. Wedding on a Saturday in the Fall.
2. Reception held at my relatives home.
3. The MORNING of the wedding everyone who was supposed to help put together everything for the reception did not arrive until... almost 9am or later. (and there was still a LOT left to do.)
4. Around 11Am - 12PM the Bridal Party started getting ready with the photographer, at the house where the reception is being held, where we are supposed to be getting the reception area still set up. (it wasn't finished yet, but the party has to get ready, for all of the "pre-pics" they are planning.) So, a handful of us are still at the house and we are taking it upon ourselves yes, to finish up everything the Bride would like to have for her wedding.
Meanwhile, the bridal party are using the bathroom, putting on makeup, doing hair, getting dressed, etc.. for the photographer's pictures.
5. Around 1PM, the bridal party leaves. We were told we did not need to go along (okay, I still needed to shower, but I first had to finish up what the bride wanted to have done). Shortly thereafter, we find out we need to clean up and fix the bathroom. Now we are looking at close to 2pm, til I even get in the shower. By this time, I'm beginning to have my meltdown about how terrible I looked. (because of the humidity I knew from the start I'd not be able to do my hair, and my make up would be awful). As far as how the toilet seat was broken? All we can think of is someone put their foot against the seat and pushed it breaking the screws while they were getting ready.
Hopefully that puts a bit of a perspective on the timeline?
Communication:
I write. I don't talk. I hate talking. You know how they say women say more than 10,000 words a day (or something like that?) I am so far removed from that category it isn't even funny. I normally have nothing to "say" (speaking) that is. I get tongue-tied, jumbled, say the wrong thing. So, I write. I never know WHAT to talk about. I don't have "social graces".
Am I supposed to call a daughter-in-law? I thought you girls don't LIKE to have a mother-in-law calling? (that may sound absolutely hilariously ridiculous to some, but I'm asking!) I don't call, because I have NOTHING TO SAY or talk about that is even SEMI-interesting.
"So, what did you do today?"
"Oh, the usual, I worked. Got up early around 3am."
Um, yeah, that's about my reply. Because.. that's exactly what I did. I worked.
So - the clarification for the communication:
1. I sent a text to son & new DIL from the airport the day after the wedding. We were ALL at the airport AT THE SAME TIME. They were flying one direction, we were flying another, we were all in different terminals. (no response, son said, bye)
2. I've talked to my son since then, of course. Wedding was in early Fall. We've spoken every other week since then.
3. I've sent two FB messages to my DIL and a text - but like I said, I don't call her, because, well, I don't know what to say or have anything interesting to talk about.
Ladies.. I don't know how to say it without sounding pathetic. But, I am perfectly fine with it myself. I am a VERY BORING PERSON. I work. I get up around 3am, I start working again. I take a nap in the afternoon from around 1pm - 2pm, I read a little bit. I get up, start WORKING again. I work until maybe 7pm, then I will do the dishes, take the dogs outside and then I get ready for bed. I'll read for about an hour, then I go to sleep around 9pm/10pm, then I get up again at 3am, and I repeat the entire process all over again. Every day of the week. (I work a fulltime job, and a parttime, almost full-time job, and I'm looking for a 3rd job).
My husband and I really do not do anything. We don't socialize. I'm okay with it! I like being by myself. Oh, sometimes he and I may go out for a brunch or a dinner, but not very often, I just don't have the time for much of anything but working. (Most all of my work is online, I have a couple of side jobs that I go out and do).
I don't have girlfriends - never did. Maybe a friend here or there. I don't know how to talk to females, hell, I had boys. Dirty, tumbling, hot-wheel playing, rough-housing guy stuff. I can socialize and bullshit with males no problem! Send me to a truckstop for a meal, and I'm having a blast shooting the breeze with the truckers. Put me in a roomful of women? I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing, looked down at, ridiculed, etc.
So there's part of my problem - I have no idea HOW to talk to my daughter-in-law!
@r0ddysm0m: Shouldn't clean up be done AFTER the reception, and not during??? I don't see your logic here. You're upset because no one except your side of the family cleaned up. Ofcourse no one is going to clean up. They're too busy celebrating a wedding! I almost feel like you are setting yourself up for failure.
@r0ddysm0m: Okay, I am going to be very honest here, you seem to have an issue with your son not DIL. I went back and read your post from 4 months ago also. I think you either to talk to your son or just leave it alone and put your big girl panties on and let your son/DIL have their own lives.
I love my IL's but I don't go out of my way to communicate with them. Sorry they are not my parents and feel that if there needs to be communication done, it should be my DH not me talking to them since they are his parents. I don't expect my DH to have to communicate to my parents unless it is an emergency.
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