Post # 1
First off I should explain that I am not yet engaged…I am still waiting, but know it is coming soon! We talk about our wedding and our future all the time and we always disagree on one thing…the location of our wedding. We are high school sweethearts but actually attended high schools in different towns (about 45 minutes away from each other). We both agree that 45 minutes is too far to travel if we would have the ceremony in one town and the reception in the other.
My boyfriend says he wants to get married in his hometown and can’t imagine getting married anywhere else. I also want to get married in my hometown (as the tradition goes). He says that my church is way too small (it can only fit maybe 200 people ) and it would be too hard to cut our guest list down that much and he is not comfortable inviting some people to the reception and not the ceremony. We have tried and tried to come to an agreement on this and we just can’t. He always says we can’t get engaged until we can agree on a place for the wedding (I hope he is joking!)
After we are married we will be moving to his hometown, so his argument is that we should be married in the church that we will attend after we are married. My argument is that we will be attending HIS church once we are married and living in HIS hometown, so I want to have this one last thing in MY hometown and MY church.
We both say it is important for our family to be there but are worried beings it is close enough to drive that people won’t want to stay late and drink/dance the night away with us because they will have to drive the 45 minutes home. Any advice?
Post # 3
Well, the way I see it, you have three different options:
1. Have the wedding in his hometown
2. Have the wedding in yours
3. Pick a place inbetween or somewhere else neutral (Destination wedding?)
Honestly, if it was that serious, I’d probably do something totally not serious and coin-flip or something for it, because then it is entirely left up to chance.
Otherwise, I guess you should talk it out and point out the idea of tradition (especially if your parents would be paying–they get a major say!). And honestly, 45 minutes is not that far if you were to split it up–it takes me 45 minutes to an hour to drive from my parents house to my fiance’s parents house, and we live exactly 12.5 miles away.
Post # 4
I think having it somewhere in between would be fair. Obviously, if one family has to travel for the wedding, you can always block hotel rooms so that they have a place to stay at a discounted rate. If you chose someplace in between, then both families would have to travel. In all honesty, I think it would be better to have it somewhere in between or in your hometown rather than his. My sister had her wedding in her husband’s hometown, and my parents’ feelings were pretty hurt. Not all the family on our side was able to attend, but my parents still went with tradition and paid for everything. I think it hurt my mom’s feelings the most because she didn’t feel as involved. That’s just from personal experience and I don’t know if your parents would react the same way. I just wanted to let you know about one of the possible consequences.
Post # 5
Thanks ladies! BridetoBee I totally get what you are saying about parent’s feelings being hurt because my parents have made the comment that if they are paying for it, it will be in our hometown. Although R says that his parents will be splitting the costs with mine 50/50 so it won’t matter.
As for having it in a neautral location in between, it’s kind of impossible. There is maybe one town in between ours that has a population of about 100 people 🙂
Post # 6
Why don’t you have it somewhere where everybody has to travel. Not just somewhere between the two cities y’all are from. Like the beach or the mountains?
I also would wait until you were truly engaged to start this fight. It’s a little cart before the horse, since you have no idea when you’ll be getting married and if either church would be available even.
Post # 7
What about going for cheaper? I’m from South Dakota too, Sioux Falls to be exact but because of costs we are getting married in my fiance’s hometown. That means that all my family will be traveling and the town only has 30 rooms available in the whole town but it was something extremely important to him and it saved us cost to $20,000. I don’t know what part of South Dakota you’re from but maybe looking at the money aspect of it, as tacky as that sounds, it might be easier to come to a decision.
Post # 8
I am not usually super traditional, but in this situation, I am. I think parents often think fondly about the day that they will give their daughter a wedding, and for your parents, it seems like you have a church that is meaningful to your family, and so that gives it that much more meaning. While your FI may have always wanted to get married in his church, I doubt his parents ever thought about it, since it isn’t traditional.
Honestly, I think your FI is being a little bit selfish. While I see where is coming from, I think he needs to look at this not just as a decision between you and him, but a matter of family dynamics and of cultural traditions. I think it would be the respectful thing for him to do to recognize that and gracefully let this be a day for your family to throw you the wedding they have dreamed of.
Post # 9
I’m probably biased but if you can fit your guests into your hometown church then I would insist on getting married at home. It’s tradition (if that helps your case!) and you will be attending church in FI’s hometown from now on.
We’re getting married in my hometown in CT (he’s from Ireland) and we’re going to be living in Ireland but to be honest there wasn’t even a remote question in my mind of where we’d get married – I always knew it would be in my hometown in the church I grew up attending.
I hope you’re successful in finding a compromise (and I hope you get to have the wedding in your church if that’s what you want!) ;o)
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice. We actually haven’t talked about this recently, because we both know it is just something we cannot come to an agreement on yet. I honestly wouldn’t mind getting married in his church (it is bigger and prettier than mine) but I guess my stubborn-ness is coming out when I say that I am giving him his church and town for the rest of our lives, I just want this last hoorah in mine.
I think ultimately it will end up being in my hometown, because my parents will pay for it and will want it that way. I will keep you posted!
Post # 11
Please do! That’s a big, big issue! Good luck!
Post # 12
@futureb: Wow, I had a similar experience. My ex-fiance’s family strongly insisited on wedding in their church(catholic) cos they have so much disdain for that of my family(anglican). Even though my fiance and I had talked about it, he eventually chickened out and gave in to pressure from his family. I had agreed to go with him wholeheartedly after the wedding to his church and do all it takes to be validated in their eyes, but they still wanted to rob me of my special day and the last respect you give to the father of the bride. The conflict escalated to the point that his family members were hostile to me, and I had to walk out of the relationship. I have no regrets about my decision. If you cannot respect someone’s heritage then dont expect them to embrace yours. I saved myself a lifetime of resentment and unhappiness with inlaws. Relationships are about giving and taking, not giving, giving, giving or taking, taking taking.