Post # 1
Eta: Sorry about typos – my ipad is not very compatible with the site.
So my boyfriend and I are currently in the middle of a about regarding people over. As in, I’m angry right now and he’s in the other room entertaining and I’m super frustrated and need some advice.
Backstory: dating 6 years, living together 5. Soon to be engaged. First few years of relationship, we both enjoyed socializing out of the house. I don’t necessarily mind having people over, but truth be told I am a bit weird about “my /our space” and sometimes bore easily if we have people over to entertain (for whatever reason I don’t feel this way about family, just friends). Im generally cool with when he invites his friends over provided I know ahead of time who/how many to expect anded assuming they go home at a reasonable hour.
Lately I feel he had been inconsiderate, springing last minute guests on me, or worse yet, when the people he invites invite other extra people without asking boyfriend, overstaying their welcome, etc. Bad manners on thier part, but the thing that upsets me is bf claims to be powerless to this and acts like I’m crazy when I ask bf (ahead of time, outof earshot, etc) to remedy situation.
What do I do? Ive been feeling as though I give an inch and he takes a mile. I realize it’s his space too, but I’d never dream of inviting, say 3 girls over and having that number grow to 6 or 7 and having them stay til after midnight. Call me uptight, but I feel like its a matter or respect and bf isn’t respecting my boundaries.
Ive explained to him how I feel and he thinks I’m being unreasonable. What can I do?
Post # 3
hmm…I don’t have any great advice for you, because in my relationship, I’m like your boyfriend. And my FI is like you. He could have his family over all the time, or hang with his family constantly, and I’m the same way with my friends, while I prefer to keep our families a little more “arms length”. I mean, I like our families, I just don’t want to see them all the time, whereas I’d be totally happy seeing my friends several times a week.
And I liked to have get -togethers at my house. It’s just very “me”. I’m the hostess of the group. My FI isn’t as into it as me, and when we first started dating, I often wondered if I could keep dating him if we weren’t on board on this issue. But he’s loosened up a lot. BTW, my friends are like your guy’s friends….I may invite 3, and a couple of them might invite 2 more. I’m a “more the merrier” type of person and so are my friends. My FI is more like you, he doesn’t get why anyone would invite another person over…but I am honestly dumfounded about why he would care if we were having 3 over and now we’re having 5. To me, it just isn’t a big deal at all. And my friends ARE my family. I think it’s unfair for my FI to expect me to welcome his family over on a regular basis, but not my friends.
Is your boyfriend the same way?
Anyway, for me, it’s just a difference of personalities. He’s into hosting and a “more the merrier” type of person, you are the opposite. Neither of you is wrong, so it’s good not to blame him or tell him he’s doing something inconsiderate. I mean, if he’s inconsiderate for not thinking of your feelings, then you are equally inconsiderate for not considering how much he likes having these people over. So you can point the blame at each other (you for being too uptight, and him for not following more rules) or you can just enjoy that about each other. =) Or work to find a middle ground–if you do! Let me know. 😉
Post # 4
@BookGirrl: I definitley know what you mean. I’ve told my bf before that I realize that neither one of us is “right” or “wrong”, its just a reflection of our different personalities.
I think my comment about family was misleading – Im not super close with my family, but he and I both are fairly close with his family. Even so, I never invite them over, he does…I just meant that unlike when he and I have friends over, I never get that same ‘itch’ to kind of be done with entertaining and have the night end.
Also complicating the issue is the fact that we live in an apartment building, so after ten noise is a big issue around here.
Anyway, it is nice to hear your perspective because it reassured me that my bf is not doing this out of disrespect for my space or wishes, I realize he just doesn’t view it the same as I do.
After my original post he and I had a talk (after his friends left) and I think that although we don’t exactly agree, we both agreed to be more sensitive to what the other wants.
Post # 5
Just make sure your SO knows It makes you uncomfortable. I HATE when people just show up at my house. His parents are terrible for that and i hate it. So he knows its a big pet peeve of mine and he respects it.
Post # 6
i know whatcha mean, my husband has a friend that just doesnt get the hint of when he needs to leave, its like you have to push him out of the door. if i dont want him over anymore, i usually go into the bedroom to go to bed. (he usually comes over at night) my husband usually get the point and says something. i would just try to talk to your boyfriend about it. he needs to put himself in your shoes.
Post # 7
oh boy do I ever understand what you mean….my FI used to have his work buddies over for drinks after work and either NOT tell me so I’d find them in my place when I got home from work or tell me like two hours before I got home from work and then they would stay until 10-1am on a WEEKDAY. They would drink and be loud and it was just terrible. So we had a lot of fights and I can totally relate to asking him to deal with the situation out of earshot of guests lol I did that too.
Compromise is huge here. I don’t really like having guests over for long periods of time either. I’m barely home as it is so when I get home I just want to veg out in sweats, eat junk food and relax.
FI loves having people over and keeps it going for as long as possible. So we decided that weekdays are off limits for long parties and last min guests stay for shorter periods of time. Fridays/saturdays are open for parties/get togethers BUT I want at least a couple of hours notice before hand and I compromise by not complaining about the parties going on too long.
Post # 8
@canyouhearmenow13: Sounds similar to my situation…it’s not even necessarily that I mind they are there, but like you, I don’t get a lot of down time at home so when I have it I want to feel comfortable to go about my usual vegging out activities (sweats, no makeup, surfing the internet and watching movies I like, etc.) My bf insists I can still go about my usual routine but I honestly can’t imagine many women would feel comfortable doing this is thier SO had friends over. We have a small 2 bedroom apartment so I’m either in the same room as them (living / dining area) or appear to be hiding in one of the bedrooms if I want any quiet / down time.
Also, my bf isn’t exactly subtle about why they can’t get together here yet another night, or why they can’t stay all night… So I end up looking like an inhospitable, overbearing girlfriend (which I don’t believe I am normally).
The other night, after my boyfriend basically told them, you know, ‘hey we need to wrap this up’, amd they left (or so we thought)..boyfriend and I ate dinner, watched a couple tv shows and went to walk our dogs before bed and they were STILL here, 2 hours later, standing and talking in the parking lot. NOT that this necessarily affected me, but it was a bit odd. Boyfriend found out later they were out there til nearly 1 AM, three hours after we thought they went home.
Most of his friends are single and some a few years younger so I also feel like its difficult because they don’t understand, this isn’t college anymore… It’s half each of ours apartment and its all about compromise, but when the agreement / compromise is changed on my last minute is especially frustrating. I feel like there aren’t any boundaries as to when they come and go….
Post # 9
@sandandsurf: Fair enough and I understand how you feel.I also couldn’t hide in the bedroom because I just find it rude. I feel if there are guests in my home I should be there and entertain. Also why should I be a prisoner in my own home? So I’d hang out etc. But eventually things calmed down. I think because things got out of hand a few times my FI saw why I didn’t like it and he started not liking it himself.
A lot of the friends that used to come over are/were single so thats why. They have nothing to do and no one to come home to so they are lonely to be honest. It will take some time but you need to explain to him that when he makes it to be your fault, that it makes you look bad.
And to be honest, what his friends think of me doesn’t bother me anymore, they are going to think negatively about you either way because some single guys out there just tend to have it in for women in general. I figured I couldn’t control whether they think negatively about me but this is MY home, I pay rent as well and if I want to hang out at home alone I pretty much damn well can.
Post # 10
How about offering a solution or two? It’s good to voice your concern, but guys like solutions too.
Like letting guests come over X times per month (whatever you think you can live with). Present this idea to him.
Then for all the other times they can to come over, ask your BF to suggest they go to THEIR house or meet out at XYZ for drinks or pool or whatever.
Try to put a solution on the table and mold it so that both are happy to some extent!
Post # 11
I am just like you, maybe moreso… I dislike having people over, I feel so out of control of the situation, since there’s no nice way to be like “I’m tired gfto my house” when I’m ready to stop socializing. (I love friends and socializing but I’m very introverted and that enjoyment kinda sucks energy out of me faster than it does anyone else I know.) I also feel immense pressure to be the perfect hostess even if they’re not MY friends.
Forunately FI and I live in a place that is very inconvenient to visit right now *cue devious cackling* — I didn’t plan it this way but we seldom entertain anymore just by chance.
I think he’d want to entertain a lot though, if it were easier geographically… the issue is that he HAAATES planning ahead for almost anything. It’s impossible to get an agreement out of him about “when we/they will go home” or whatever. He just goes “let’s go with the flow” and then acts like I’m spoiling his good time on purpose when I get tired exactly when I predicted.
I’d probably push for a guaranteed departure from the house at X:00 and say he is welcome to go with them and take the party to a bar or something at that time, and hope his compassion prevails…