Disappointed about Valentine's Day

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I’m confused, but he already did more than what you agreed to. You said no anything yet you got him cookies and he got you flowers and chocolates, that’s a lot more than nothing. Your only mad because he didn’t get flowers on the day? But why? Virtually nothing would be left and he would have to wait in insane cues. He made the effort bee, but if your after more then you need to say instead of acting like it’s not a big deal when it clearly is to you.

Post # 62
Member
3841 posts
Honey bee

newlywed78 :  He got you flowers and candy….you’re making way too big of a deal here…

Post # 63
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Have you ever considered that maybe gift-giving and overly romantic gestures aren’t his way of expressing love? You say that in your family, you go the “extra mile”, but maybe his family shows their appreciation and love for one another differently, say by spending extra time together, or cooking for each other, or helping out one another when needed. I think that maybe your idea of how special you are or how much he cares is shaped by gift-giving and receiving because that is what you grew up seeing in your household. You also mentioned that you went out of the way going to the bakery for him, etc., but again, that’s because that’s your way of showing love, not necessarily what he asked for or even wants.

All that said, your husband STILL seems to try with the gift-giving or romantic gestures, because he seems to understand that it’s important to you. However, you’re kind of setting him up for failure if a) you continually expect him to express love in a way that’s unnatural for him after you tell him “no gifts”, and b) when he does do it, you hold him to some ridiculous standard that is the “extra mile” in your mind. I mean, is not wrapping a gift REALLY that big of a deal? He put time, thought, effort, and money into getting you a gift, and you’re making a fuss about it not being wrapped? Think about this objectively. I can’t imagine hurting my husband’s feelings over an unwrapped gift if he went through the trouble to get me something, no matter what it was.

I think you need to evaluate what you truly want from him when it comes to romantic gestures, gifts, and the like. If all of those things are important to you, communicate that to him clearly. What’s unfair is pretending you only “want the thought” or “want the effort” but then getting upset because his thought or effort isn’t what you were expecting.

Post # 65
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee

newlywed78 : 

I didn’t say I felt sorry for him for being your husband! I felt sorry for him because you hurt his feelings. Huge difference.

But thank you for taking the time to explain all of that, I think it really clarifies the real issue here, that he seems to have gotten too comfortable with you, perhaps to the point of taking you for granted, something we all have to watch we don’t do when we’re married. It’s not that you necessarily expect him to clear the snow off your car, it’s that it was a nicety he did for you when you were dating, the thoughtfulness behind it, that he was doing it so you wouldn’t have to…and now it’s one more little thing he doesn’t think of doing anymore. And it’s not a huge deal on its own, but added up to all the other little things he doesn’t do anymore, it hurts your feelings that he’s stopped making the effort. 

And the thing is, he likely doesn’t even realize he’s doing this. I’ve caught myself on this too, I’ll realize I don’t leave little romantic or sexy notes in his lunches anymore….I used to occasionally, haven’t done it recently 🙁 It wasn’t intentional, it’s not that I love him any less….I just got busy and side-tracked and didn’t realize I’d stopped doing it. And maybe I wear comfy pjs more often than lingerie. And maybe I haven’t left a silly novelty card on his pillow or in the mailbox for him to find or offered to give him a massage….Dating is exciting and butterflies, marriage is building a life together, and sometimes building that life we get too distracted or take for granted the person we’re building it with, and have to remind ourselves not to lose the romance. 

Maybe if you and your husband set up a date night….even once a month or once every six weeks….just you and him, to reconnect and remember all the things you love about each other. And you could suggest- (if you suggest you both do it, it will hopefully sound like a good idea rather than sounding like he’s disappointed you)- you could suggest you both make a pact to make an effort at occasionally spoiling the other a little. You could let each other know- focusing on the positive- examples of something the other person has done in the past that made you feel special. For example, you could say “I would be so touched to leave for work and discover you’d already brushed the snow from my car, it made me feel really cared about” or “I love it when you bring tea in the morning, what a wonderful way to start the day” and then ask him what little things you do for him that make him feel special. 

Post # 66
Member
3717 posts
Sugar bee

newlywed78 :  

I said you were being  silly in a earlier post , but  now I see  “We have a baby on the way too…”  I take it back. Sorry. Pregnancy hormones can reduce us to silliness very easily ,  Its all going to eb fine OP !
 

 

 

Post # 67
Member
0 posts
Wannabee

Wow, there’s a lot of harsh judgement on this thread. Dissapointment is an emotion and you can’t talk yourself out of emotions with logic. I’m sure everyone else has been there before, even if it was over something “more important” than Valentine’s Day.

 

I saw a lot of similar arguments between my parents growing up. It always boiled down to one thing: my dad was trying, but in the wrong direction. So my mom felt unhappy and my dad felt frustrated. For instance, he’d spend a lot of money on a gift for Christmas but all she wanted was one little thing she’d mentioned to him months ago.

It just comes down to communication. Figure out what you need to feel special, and ask for it. Even if you think it’s silly or he doesn’t get it. Especially if he doesn’t get it, if he chooses to do it anyway, then clearly he loves you a lot.

My man isn’t really a big holiday person, but I made a point of explaining to him how important it is to me that we spend “us time” on every holiday because life sucks and why not use every excuse to celebrate. So we go out for coffee and then watch a rom com every Valentine’s Day. Even though it’s little and stupid, I love it. And I think picking a tradition both makes it something you can look forward to, and prevents dissapointment because you knew what to expect. 

Post # 68
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

newlywed78 :  Awwww, hugs! I can tell that you and your husband both genuinely care for each other – your gift to him was sweet, and so was his to you. It was just more natural, not as contrived. Don’t let the Hallmark hype get to you – your husband should make you feel special and loved eveyday, not just on one day when it’s commercialized and marketed for us to show our love with our wallets. Lol.

FI and I decided against birthday gifts and Christmas gifts for each other last year and all holidays including Valentine’s for this year so we can save for our wedding. We did exchange cards and I received some candy for V-day but it was extremely low key, because we show our love to each other every day. He wasn’t even there until late that evening!

You’re loved and appreciated, bee. And guys are dumb…if you expect them to do something super romantic, you’ll find that you may have to drop hints and guide them along the way. If you say that you’re not doing anything this year, they can’t read between the lines. That’s just the nature of men. They don’t do subtely. But something tells me that your hubby will get it right next time!! xoxo

Post # 69
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

newlywed78 :  Mixed messages.

Your messages simply aren’t consistent. One minute a tale of woe and worrying about the lack of romance, the next moment you tell us that he tells you that he is a lucky man to have you and keeps in touch by text (sending kisses) throughout the day.

Which is it OP?

Post # 70
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

newlywed78 :  

You know what ruins relationships? Social Media and the expectations it puts on relationships.

It’s a day about love, weather that be a romantic relationship, friendship or just family.

You are being over the top, he made an effort and it was a tuesday? 

My valentines day consisted of me being in bed after surgery and my husband buying me a teddy bear whilst complaining about work…..and I still feel good.

Stop expecting the world, it’s just another day.

Post # 75
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

newlywed78 :  I’m so happy to read your last update 🙂 communication can be so hard especially because we aren’t robots and logical all the time!

I hope you have a wonderful birthday. This thread is definitely a reminder to appreciate the small things which I need to remember to do more. Oh and to start date nights! 

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