Disappointed because boyfriend didn't propose…becaus brother asked him not to

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

blondie55:  I don’t think that it was right for him to drop his plans just so his brother’s girlfriend wouldn’t feel inadequate. But if you know already that the engagement is coming I would just chill and wait.

Post # 4
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

blondie55:  You have every right to be angry. Your bf is showing a serious lack of b*lls to be swayed by his brother and future sister-in-law. Life is not a race and it doesn’t matter which brother gets engaged first, and there’s nothing wrong with them being engaged at the same time.

Post # 5
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think your bf should have stood up to his brother. Multiple people can be engaged at one time and that is very inconsiderate of his brother!

Post # 6
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

blondie55: I’m sorry you’re disappointed it didn’t happen on your anniversary but I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to fall out with his brother over this? I agree that the brother was in the wrong for saying anything in the first place but I think your boyfriend handled it as best he could…The last thing you would want is friction and resentment with your future inlaws!

So you have to wait a few more months… It’s really not that bad… and I’m sure your boyfriend will make sure it’s extra special 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

     I wouldn’t want him to put a strain on his relationship with his brother, but I think your bf should’ve done one of two things. He could’ve kept his mouth shut when you asked him about it. No wants to hear what somebody almost did.  My FI always tells me he ALMOST got me Chipotle on the way home.  Then, all of a sudden, all I can think about is Chipotle.  What you’re feeling right now is this 1000x.  I’m not for lying in a relationship,  but this kind of thing is alright to keep to yourself.  

     Another option was that he could’ve proposed and asked you to keep it secret until his brother proposed. I really do understand his brother’s request.  It may not seem reasonable to you, but if it would’ve hurt his brother, then I don’t think your bf did the wrong thing by waiting, he just could’ve handled it differently.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  RoseandShine.
Post # 9
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your future SIL’s jealousness is not your or your BF’s problem, it’s your future BILs, and your BF should have shut that down. If your BF is willing to let his brother dictate such major life decisions, he might not be ready to get married anyway. :/ Hope this gets straightened out for you soon!

Post # 10
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

Is it possible he used his brother as a scapegoat? I’ve noticed men tend to do what they want no matter what the opinions of others are. 

Post # 11
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yes you only get 1 first anniversary ect, and what your BF’s brother did was not right. Hell, your BF shouldn’t have listened to him (how old are they? seems childish), but he did. You have plenty of time to get engaged and you will have many other firsts together. I would encourage you not to push him, he will propose when he’s ready. Pushing him to propose will make things seem forced and men HATE pressure. You know he’s going to propose so relax and enjoy your last few months as a girlfriend!

Post # 12
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with SellyJo. I cannot see why he should have told his brother no. His brother begged him, meaning he was desperate.  Your boyfriend gave him one chance only, not a blank check, and he made that clear to his brother. His choice will affect your(pl) future relationship with his family. 

It’s true you only have one first anniversary,  but that does not mean your proposal will not be special. 

blondie55:  

Post # 13
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I truly understand why you are hurt, I really do. But I also understand how your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend is feeling. They have been dating for 4 YEARS, they have had 4 anniversaries, numerous trips and he STILL hasn’t propsed. I know that she shouldn’t feel like it is a race or that there is a certain order, but if you take a look around the waiting boards you will see that sometimes it’s very hard to not feel resentment towards those who get engaged after a shorter relationship than your own.

I’m sure that she would be mortified if she found out that you knew what she had said. I’m also sure that, just like you, her comments happened in emotional, state, possibly after drinking a little too much when she was feeling vulnerable. 

Just look at it this way: If they are engaged first you will end up having a much better relationship with your new brother and sister-in-law. Plus, you have your first anniversary all to yourself, a beautiful memory. You will also now, in the future, have another great memory, your proposal. Two awesome memories. 🙂 

Also remember that your boyfriend’s relationship with his brother is very important and that in the scheme of things, waiting a few months is nothing compared to the relationship between two brothers. 

Post # 14
Member
2581 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

On the one hand, I can see where you’re coming from – it must be frustrating to be told that. I don’t think your Boyfriend should have said no to his brother, but I think discretion would have been the better part of valour in this case and he should have just not told you.

 

On the other hand, I’m a bit taken aback by this:

After all, you only get one first anniversary, one first big trip together

 

Well, yes, you do only get one first anniversary and one first big trip, but isn’t the whole point that it’s the first of MANY? Why do you need to rush everything together on all your firsts? You’re getting married, and you won’t have many firsts left very soon if you are trying to get them all out of the way in one go!

You very rightly said that relationships are not a race, so try to apply that to every aspect of your relationship and enjoy the things you do for what they are, not as milestones to lump together. You know you’re going to get married, so now you can just relax and take the time to enjoy your relationship in the secure knowledge that you will be getting engaged.

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Post # 15
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

This sucks 🙁 My honest advice though is just to let this go. You definitely do not want to come between a man and his brother. When I first started dating my DH, his brother was not keen to me. He came home from the Navy and didn’t like that his baby brother was seriously committed to a chick he never met before – so he never really even gave me a fighting chance. He was constantly mean to me (DH lived with him), and this put DH in the middle of us all the time. This was a serious problem in our relationship for awhile, because it was so hard for DH to choose his loyalty. On one hand, it was his *brother* and on the other hand, I was his gf of a year. I ended up choosing to ignore him and not talk to DH about it because I saw the emotional toll it was having on him.Eventually, his brother realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, ever. We have since made up and are now really close.

I know this is a different situation from the one you are in… but I look at it like your SO just didn’t want to upset his brother or the balance in his relationship. He did it out of respect for him. Obviously family is important to him, and I would actually see that as a positive thing.

The most you can do now is enjoy being his girlfriend a little longer, because soon you will be engaged. You know he wants to marry you, so if the end game is the same no matter what, why upset him and hurt your FBIL and FSIL in the process? Like PPs said, it’s not a competition – but he chose to respect his brother’s wishes, so I would just respect his.

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