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I am so sorry :( i have been feeling like that only my MOH is pretty gunhoe about the wedding...but the other girls are pretty blah, especially my own sisters :(
I unfortunatly finally blew...not in a bridezilla way but a hey why wont you be involved I really want you to be there or respond but you wont even give me the time of day you mean so much to me thats why I asked you to be in the wedding. They did start to respond back to me then.
YOUR not a whiney bridezilla I just think people dont realize how important it is to someone until they are doing it themselves {{HUGS}}
I will email you and tell you you look great in your dress XOXO
Hi there - I can relate a bit, and all my bridesmaids are local here in the Bay Area. I'm not sure how old you and your bridesmaids are, but is it possible that they have never been in a wedding before and don't know how to act? Or are they already married? I noticed that two of my bridesmaids that are married are excited for me, but not really as "into it" as I was for their weddings. I chalked it up to the fact that they just went through all of this and are kind of ready to move on. My cousin/MOH, on the other hand, is younger than me and unmarried, and none of her friends are married, so she is inexperienced at the whole "how to be a bridesmaid" thing.
That said, not responding to your email about the dress is inexcusable! Maybe try to email each one individually next time - it's harder to ignore a personalized email. Finally, I would tell them how you feel. You picked these girls because they are close friends/family, so you should be able to tell them how you feel. Good luck!
I think it would be a good idea for you to say something to them, without necessarily letting loose all your anger and frustration. It sounds like they might just be a bit clueless about their role and what you're hoping for from them. Maybe a chat or an email or a phone call gently letting them know that you'd really love more support and excitement from them about the planning process? Hope it works out for you.
I think it's great that you're not expecting too much, and it's not fun that your BMs aren't as into the wedding as you are. I definitely think if they're young or never have done it before they might not be as excited. My friends and I are just out of college, and none of them are into weddings yet - which is why I'm on weddingbee :)
I did get "your dress is pretty" email responses, but I emailed people personally.
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my bm were exactly like that. i even tried my dress on for two of them and they said nothing.
getting married really shows you who your true friends are, that's for sure!
I'm sorry that your bridesmaids are like that. I felt the same way, feeling whiney that I wanted them to do things that they couldn't do. Unfortunately, it is sort of hard for them to be involved in the planning much when you don't live near them. I think that you should have a serious talk with them about what you want and expect from them and see what they say about that. You may realize that you are expecting too much from them when they don't live near you.
I feel your pain! My own sister (my MOH) seems not to give a flying flip about my wedding. One of my BMs, a very close friend, went off on a rant at me about how its tooo early (8.5 months out!) to go dress shopping or being doing much for the wedding at all. She thinks we should get all teh BM dresses a month or less before the wedding and is pissed that I want her to go look at dresses with me! My other BM is super far away (unlike the other two who live mere minutes from me!) on the other side of the country. She tried for a little while but her responce to every single thing I say about the wedding is, "Yeah, that's nice!" Which is great, but so Not constructive on any level! Oh, and my sister has told me flat out that she refuses to throw me a bachelorette party. I almost cried! I'm looking forward to an all girls night of drinks and dinner! :( My mom is not doing anything at all either. boooo!
I didn't read the comments on here, because I wanted to get straight to my own. I haven't quite decided if I am having 3 or 4 bridesmaids yet, but they all live in town, so I am lucky. I know that when I need them, they will be there, because most of them are my family. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I almost had to undergo this because we were considering moving, and it would be far harder for my girls to pack up, and of course some of them have dyslexia, so they aren't as avid of typers, and some of them it is hard to get calls back, so I can somewhat relate to your problem. Maybe addressing them one by done would do some good, and just follow up by saying hi, how are you? And then go straight into what you need to say. It is addressing the problem without being snarky or anything.
The best of luck, sweetie.
I'm getting really stressed about my BM's and MOH too. They all live in the same city as I do. I asked them to be in the wedding two days after I got engaged. I got engaged last New Year's eve, so it's been almost a YEAR. I told them that we were going to get their dresses this summer, well when I called each of them to see when the best day to schedule an appointment would be, my MOH told me right off the bat that she didn't have the money (which she knew 6 months in advance we were going that summer) and my BM's told me that they would make it. Well the day before the appointment I called them, and one BM cancelled. So, needless to say, I wasn't going to make an hour drive to the bridal store for one girl to go pick out the dress. I rescheduled it for November, which was really cutting it close, well MOH is surprisingly sick that day, and now both BM's don't have the money. I have told them NUMEROUS times that we have to get the dresses before the first of the year. My appointment is for this Saturday and I know for sure that one of my BM's is going to buy her dress, the other BM hasn't answered any of my calls this past week so we'll see what happens with that, and my MOH told me that she yet again does not have the money. I guess I am going to have to be a little bit of a beeotch and just tell them that if they don't get their dress by the first (which they won't be able to after then because it will be discontinued) then they just can't be in the wedding. I have given them plenty of notice, rescheduled tons of appointments, and made sure they were all comfortable with the price of the dress, which was the cheapest I could find for 100 bucks and that they all thought it was pretty.
I say tell them how you feel because you don't want to be three months out and not able to do anything about it. Good Luck! (sorry for the rambling)
Meh, I'm kinda at the point where I don't expect much. My FSIL BM lives about 5 hours away, and she has not asked ONE question about the wedding in the 11 months since we got engaged. Not even an, "How's the planning going?". My MOH recently moved about 5 hours away as well so she's been pretty busy setting up her new life in her new city. Since this is her first wedding, I don't think she really knows all that is expected of her. My one bridesmaid who lives here has actually been wonderful! She got married last year and knows how frustrating it is to work with BMs who don't really want to help! She regularly asks what is going on with the planning, and is always offering her help.
yeah It really sucks! I feel like I kind of was forced into asking certain friends to be bridesmaids because I'm not close with anyone really anymore but I asked two friends who I've known for years. They seemed a little weirded out that I had asked them. Prob mostly because we dont really hang out or get together anymore but needless to say they said they want to and I have an appt on tuesday so we will see how that goes. One bridesmaid has canceled me twice already once when I asked if she'd come with me to pick my wedding dress and once to try bridesmaid dresses on. I'm really hoping they will at least act like they want to help soon because I've had no help so far, no phone calls, email nothing. It's pretty sad but then again they are prob wondering why I asked them in the first place and I feel like such a loser because I dont know anyone else to ask.:(
Hi - I can relate ALLOT!! but i am speaking as a MOH!!!! i did everything for the bride and i mean everything! to make a long story short her friends (Bridesmaids) of 10 years were terrible to her so i felt soooooo bad that did more than i could ever do for one person!
well guess what in the end the ones that the did NOTHING got just as much as i did!! LOLOLOL!!! i never got praise for doing it all!! not even a special thank you card... nothing !! was it worth it ! to be honest NOT REALLY
ps she actually spends more time with those girls today !!! They are all best friends AGAIN!!! Now isn’t that funny lol
I don't think you're overreacting. I asked one of my BM the other day to step down from the wedding, because she was complaining she didn't have any money (and hence couldn't come to my bach party in April), then went and booked a trip to the Carribean for next week.
When you ask your BM's and MOH to be in your wedding, they are accepting the honor and the responsibility, and as such should be helpful, insightful, and supportive. As the bride you have enough stress with the families alone, you don't need more.
As far as wondering how to get them to care, say something. Tell them it's hurting your feelings. Be gentle but honest. If you still don't get a response after that, then you have a harder decision to make. But in the end, it's your day and your memories. And your hubby of course :)
My MOH hasn't been the best! She won't even talk to me right now and she is back visiting! (she lives in a different state) So, I feel ya. sorry you have to go through this too!
I know how you feel. My MOH is my cousin who lives in Europe, and even though she can't physically do much for the wedding due to distance, she doesn't even email or read my wedding blog. It makes me sad, because I am honoring her by making her the MOH but she isn't doing squat. I worry that I won't get a bridal shower or bachelorette as a resut, but my other BMs assure me they will take charge on that stuff since my MOH lives abroad. So far however, they haven't done anything...but we are still 9 months out, so I hope they will. Sigh.
I feel your pain! One of my BM I have known since highschool and she thinks she should be MOH over my sister (who she doesnt like) so instead I said she could be like second in command. So far she has asked me to switch my wedding from a friday to a saturday because she will be in law school, asked me to let her get a pink or teal dress even though i said i wanted like a cobalt blue, told me that now that she has to wear that blue she now has to start tanning and dye her hair back to brown so she can look good in the dress, OH and when i was playing around with the idea of doing 2 or 3 colors she didnt like it. I thought i would alternate the BM between like a cobalt blue and this awesome plum purple, which a lot of people liked, but she thinks everyone should be in the same color or just have the MOH in a different color. I am starting to feel like she is trying to make my wedding about what she wants and not what I want. Another one of my BM (who ive known from birth) has been extremely helpful and gives me her 2 cents but also lets me know that she will go with whatever I want because it is my day. I also have 4 other BM who I dont ever see or talk to except every once in awhile because all of my wedding party, with the exception of my younger sister, live 2 hours away except my helpful BM lives 4.5 hours away. I am starting to feel like my helpful BM should be my MOH or at least my second in command MOH rather than who I have now
I can totally understand!!!! My BM's are my 2 best friends, my 2 sisters, and 2 close friends. With the exception of my sisters, everyone one of the others has made me feel like crap at one point or another. My MOH's came to town with my mom (they're from TN, i live in NC) for my b-day and dress shopping. After pouting b/c I didn't choose they dress she wanted, one MOH continued to pout for the rest of the evening. Then, after a night of celebrating a bit too much for my b-day, the both ganged up on me and asked if I was really sure I was ready to marry my FI (we only dated 11 mo. before getting engaged) and then continued to be rude the rest of the weekend. The other 2 have continuously complained about the cost of everything (their dresses are only a little over $100 - ordered online) - from dresses to bachelorette party, to the wedding itself (kind of destination wedding - got a GREAT rate on hotel rooms/condos). My other MOH has decided it's a fun time to be as tacky as possible (not my style) and use her speech to embarras me during the reception. All I have to say is - ladies, I'm getting married before all but one of you - what goes around comes around.
I like 3,000 miles away from my wedding town and all my bridal party. I don't expect too much but I think that part of it is in the asking. the distance situation is unique and its more difficult to gauge people's availability when you live further away. If they are resistant to helping out, I'd ask directly what they think they can do as far as planning.
I feel the same way! So far I've haven't talked to 2 of my bridesmaids in a few months, and its frustrating. It's not that I havent tried talking to them, because I have, numerous times. One I actually emailed the other day asking her if it was too much for her to handle right now, due to her getting left at the alter 2 times in the past like 6 months, by the same douchbag. Well I asked her before all of that shit. So she does have a lot going on, i'm hoping i hear from her soon. That'd be the 2nd bridesmaid nixed.....the first one ended up being one of the most toxic people i've ever met! So as of right now, i may be changing out more bridesmaids, lol. It sounds so horrible, but I'm not asking much. All i want is for them to get their dresses in time for the wedding, show up to the rehearsal, and to the wedding, that's it! Is that too much to ask for??? Maybe even a text or call asking about the wedding would be great, im not asking for much though....I'm really about to the point of just saying f it, and not having any bridesmaids though, they are honestly my only stress about the wedding, and aren't they supposed to help you relieve stress???
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am so frustrated with my bridal party, I hope it gets better for you!
I'm so frustrated with 2 of my bridesmaids. I asked them to be bridesmaids last June when we got engaged. It's not like I just sprung this wedding thing on them. From the start, I told them that they could choose their own dress as long as it was in the color "Marine" from David's Bridal. To this date, with about 108 days until the wedding, they haven't picked out dresses. I keep pushing the issue that we need to go look and I keep making time for them and they can't make it. They give me dates that work for them, we plan on going, and at the last minute, there's some reason why they can't go. I'm so frustrated I could scream.
What's even worse is that these two girls were best friends prior to last fall. Bridesmaid M got married to Bridesmaid N's cousin last fall, and Bridesmaid N was the Maid of Honor. Bridesmaid M spent all last summer bitching to me about how Bridesmaid N wasn't keeping up on the only thing she had to do - pick out a dress - and when Bridesmaid N picked out a dress the WEEKEND BEFORE THE WEDDING, Bridesmaid N turned into a bridezilla and bitched and complained for months about it. And I was there. I heard it all, I witnessed it all. And this is the same chick who now won't sacrifice 2 hours of her time to go to David's Bridal to try on a dress and order it. I've offered to pay, I've offered to order it for her, and she still can't seem to get interested in it.
The other one, Bridesmaid N, tried on dresses months ago and told me she had decided on one, but she still hasn't ordered it. I don't know what she's waiting for. It's not an issue of finances because she doesn't hesitate to call and tell me how much she makes when she brags about hitting up the Coach boutique on a regular basis, so I don't know what her damage is.
I'm at the point of being completely fed up, so I sent everyone a message today through the Facebook group I have set up for my maids that says everyone's dress needs to be ordered by the end of January. I'm completely expecting these two to ignore it, though.
My other girls are completely wonderful though, thank God for that. One of them has a newborn baby to deal with and she's still managed to make time to pick out and order a dress, the other is my FI's sister who is pregnant and has been steadily keeping up with maternity dresses, and the other is the one who is going tomorrow to get hers.
*Sigh*
Thanks for letting me vent.
I've gone through this too, so I know it sucks. Unfortunately, I think it is pretty common, so I guess the best thing to do is to be patient and not let it get to you!
I was just thinking about bridesmaids and their responsibilities the other day. I can't remember, but someone recently asked me if my bridesmaids have been giving me the help I need. Two live across the country, and one is local.
Honestly? I don't know what they're technically responsible for, other than giving their measurements to the dress place (which they did pretty much on time). I asked my sister to arrange a little lunch when I visit them across the country in a couple weeks. I also mentioned that I want to have a non-bachelorette bachelorette party (aka, nice dinner and drinks) a couple evenings before the wedding. I don't really want a bridal shower.
I've asked one for help locating something for a project, and it's been over a month, and I'm still waiting......and time is ticking. I'd like to be able to cross the project off the list.
In the meantime, I have another really good friend that isn't part of the wedding party, but she has almost been more helpful than any of the bridesmaids.
I'm doing a bunch of DIY projects, and it's tough to get help on that from the 2 who don't live nearby. And I'm not sure what I'd even ask the other local one to do....(she's the one who still hasn't found the other thing I asked her help with).
Should I be asking for more? What are your bridesmaids in charge of?
Wow, I just came back to this thread and saw all of your responses...I guess this more common of a problem than I thought!
As an update, I've kind of just accepted the fact that although these are my good friends, they don't really understand what I'm going through (which is understandable since they aren't here, and most of them aren't married.) I've started reaching out to them individually instead of in mass emails, like some of you suggested, and they're definitely more responsive to that.
I'm also just reminding myself that they are spending a lot of money to come and share that week with me, and I know they'll give me 100% during that time, which I know is when I'll need it most. I also caught wind that they've been talking behind my back about bachelorette party ideas, so maybe they're thinking a little more about all of this than I even realized.
Either way, at least we all have weddingbee as a place to vent, right? =)
This is really interesting! I have four BMs and only one of them is local. So I kind of knew from the start that I might only get limited help from them. Also, they don't all know each other, so I think it's been a little awkward since they can only communicate through e-mail and I feel people are more hesitant to speak up because they don't want to step on any toes. I actually feel like if I had had only one or two BMs, I might be getting a lot more input out of them.
I have to admit that at the beginning i was a little disappointed because I would send out these long e-mails detailing my visions for the wedding, and I'd get short replies like "That's great!" I guess I was hoping that they would actually pitch in and help me research ideas, places, etc. But then I realized that that would be really hard for those BMs living far away, and I also realized I wasn't really asking anyone to specifically to do anything.
farmersdaughter, I think it's true that when you're the bride it's easy to think that everyone else is thinking about your wedding 100% and can read your mind about what you want, but unfortuately that's not always the case:) And I do remind myself that my BMs are spending a lot of money to buy their dress, fly out, and be in my wedding, so even if I do wish they were more involved, it feels ungrateful to complain. When I was more upfront about asking them to do things, like "please e-mail back with your top dress choice" they got more responsive. And as the wedding gets closer they've been calling me regularly to check in, which I appreciate!
I guess you just have to accept the personalities of your BMs and understand that even if they love you, they may not be the total eager beaver wedding assistants you hoped for! In reading more posts I noticed that there are varying opinions on BM duties - there are some who think that BMs aren't obligated to do anything but get the dress and shoes and wear them. So maybe some BMs just don't realize they should be doing anything else. I guess the best thing to do is communicate!
All my BMs are in my area, and 2 out fo the 4 put a ton of effort into my wedding. Out of the other 2, 1 was completely planning her moms wedding which was a week before mine, and helped where she could. But the other did nothign but help us decorate the day before. I was so disappointed, but it seems to be the norm these days, especially if they haven't been married or in a serious relationship
Im having the same issue. they just dont seem excited or even interested. :sigh:
I don't think some people realize how sensitive brides are during wedding planning time. I know how you are feeling. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry that you're going through something like this. As someone mentioned earlier, I think that unless you have planned a wedding, you don't really understand how intense and personal all the decision-making really is. Like I'm sure it was a huge deal to actually find a dress that you liked enough to send them in a picture... and for most of them not to respond, it's totally understandable that you would be disappointed.
I would write them a mass e-mail and explain that this process is hard and ask for more of their help and opinions. Solicited opinions are not too much to ask for in emails, I'm sure the girls will respond more if they are just told that they need to. In all reality, you are probably not wanting them to make all the plans for you, I think all you need is feedback... and feedback you deserve!
i know exactly what everyone else is going thru. I just lost one of my bridesmaids to another wedding on the same day.... (i asked her 6 months ago, she got asked by this other bride three days ago) and both the BM and the other bride are my cousins!
on top of that fact, i have a MOH that has a baby and a husband... so i'm the bottom of the totem pole. She recently told me she hates coming to my house on sundays for brunch bc its "god awful boring"
BM #1 has been in like 50 weddings and still doesnt notice what i'm doing when i'm begging for help
BM #2 well she's the drop out, so we move on to BM#3, who is still in high school, on the basketball team, president of a few clubs, which makes it hard to get together with her because she is a busy busy busy girl
BM#4 is my FSIL and she definitely acts like she doesnt want to be in the wedding but i desperately want to form a bond with her.... and its obvious she doesnt want that with me.
Thinking about following in Rainbow's steps and firing the bridal party.... saves me money, no?
I am so happy to hear I am not the only one who feels this way! It took me a while to determine who my BM were going to be, and now that I have made the choices and told people, I feel let down. This is why I turn to WB!
i feel like from now on, bee meetups should be comprised of other brides in search of bridesmaids that will actually help them... or we need someone to be the real life version of 27 Dresses
I think part of my problem is realizing what I've seen in movies hasn't been realistic. It's not really set me up to be prepared to be a modern bride with bridesmaids on either side of the country, busy with their own lives and families.
It does help to try to get organized and send out memos and updates on your wedding planning. Anything to help get them involved mentally and up to date, in the loop. Put them in your email list, and send them a short message every few weeks. It's nice to feel wanted and included, speaking from a former bridesmaid's point of view... and that tends to be another responsibility of the bride these days.
I'm bitter about my own situation with BM's. They've been jealous and I hate that. Three of them are finished after the wedding.
what do you mean by finished? fire them if they arent going to be your friends anyway... who wants frienemies next to them?
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So I invited my sister, cousin, and four best friends to be in my wedding party. We are all spread literally across the country from CA to NYC and everywhere in between, so its a little challenging to say the least. I'm live on one coast and the wedding is going to be on the other in my hometown, so that adds to the challenge. I knew going into this that the distance would mean I probably couldn't expect too much tangible help from my wedding party, and I'm just thankful that they are all willing to fly out to my remote hometown to be in the wedding.
That being said...
I'm really disappointed in their support so far. I put a lot of effort into really elaborate (in a personal, not expensive way) gifts to ask them to be in the wedding, and they all responded to that, at least. However, since then I've hardly heard from them. I sent an email of a picture of me in my dress and only one of them responded. Only one! I don't think I expect that much, but I just couldn't believe that none of them could take the time to write a one-line email that says "your dress is pretty". They are all really busy, but I know based on how often they update facebook that they have time to type a short little response. This has continued for a couple of months and I'm starting to get really bummed. Has anybody else had a problem like this? What do I do? I feel like I'm being a whiny bridezilla if I ask for more...and how do you ask someone to care (or at least show they care?)