I can relate to your situation SO much. At times I thought I was reading about my own situation. It is heartbreaking to be in a relationship with someone who is (and has grown up) completely neglected and/or abused by their family. He deserves better. You've probably already figured this out, but it will not help things to continually get upset and talk abut the situation with your FI, which is something I learned the hard way. Not that you should never address it, but try to let it not get heated. I know it is hard, righteous anger. My FMIL is a nightmare, but I have learned to forgive and move on. It helps that we will never see or talk to her again. ha.
I don't think you are wrong to "wonder" about his mother. If she can be that vile to you and her own son, and support the bad behavior of another child, chances are any kindness she shows to others is for her own gain. You will have to learn to not internalize it. If things continue to escalate, consider ceasing contact and focusing on strengthening relationships with other family members that will actually be family. I don't think sharing blood gives you a right to be in a person's life. That's a right that you can forfeit, and it sounds like she has.
As much as it hurts it reminds me of my own mother... I cant comprehend it but it'sjust life and she has her issues. FI comes from an extremely close supportive family and so my mothers words/actions are strange and uncomfortable to him (understandably).
Be supportive of him. Understand that this is his mother and the only one he's got. What I've learned from mine is exactly what I DON'T want my family to be and the way i do not want my kids ever to feel.
She has her issues and sees this as her reality - you can't change her or do much about it. Just stick by your man and be supportive. Show him what it's like to have a healthy living relationship.
Wow... I'm thankful that there are people here who understand the complexity of this situation.. Of course, I'm sorry that you had to experience this type of situaiton yourselves. I would never wish this on anyone.
@MlleDarcy: Its weird, but it actually calms me to hear you say that I might not be completely wrong in thinking that she is just as messed up as her husband and kids. She always seemed to be nice and as my FI said to me last night "sometimes you THINK you know someone.." But when I go through and think about everything, I just really don't understand. I understand that her children are adults... my FI is 28 and his older sister is 38 and her psycho daughter is 21. I wonder if maybe she feels she needs to take more care of her younger daughter, but I'm also 21 and my mother would never let me get away with the crap that she does. I don't have kids, but I have some idea of how I would handle things and this just isn't it. Her two kids who have sacrificed and done SO much for her - she just throws under the bus to protect the two people in her life who abuse her the most. I guess maybe its easier... Its easier to hurt the ones who love you. And its selfish.
@bella128: Thank you! I am (hopefully) doing that! I think more and more we're realizing what the reality is. For a long time I was hoping that maybe his mom would realize and that we could "save" her from the situation. But with her behavior.. its kind of like a puzzle. You see little things that don't have a whole lot of weight on their own, but when they're put all together... it means a lot. And it really shows you what the reality is that you need to accept..
I've grew up in a VERY similar situation to your fiance and it is still very difficult today. My mother has caused our entire family to be disjointed and suspicious of each other. I have told my fiance the stories and times that have been incredibly difficult and cried endless tears. Until I realised (through therapy and my wonderful fiance) that when I turn my anger, hurt and hatred into gratitude I find it easier to forgive. You see; the reason your fiance is as wonferful as he is is because of his family. When you grow up in an unhealthy family you do everything you can to be different and make better choices for your life. So because he didn't want to continue the cycle of disfunction he turned into the marvelous man he is. It's taken a long time but I am so grateful to my mother for being who she is because its made me reach for higher character traits in myself. It made me a better person. As difficult as it may be; work towards (internally) thanking them for who they are because your fiance wouldn't be who he is without them.
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I'm just disappointed. I've been under a lot of stress from this situation and just need to get it out..
As some of you who have read my other posts know, my FI is currently "no contact" with his parents and younger sister. Dad and younger sister are abusive, lack conscience, and just cruel.
His mother is an enabler. But I'm beginning to wonder about her and wonder if maybe she's also a narcissist like them considering how completely and totally SELFISH she is.
He decided to go no contact when his older sister had left her abusive husband and she and her 3 daughters moved in with his parents and younger sister. They were so controlling and abusive (emotionally and verbally ) to the kids and his older sister. His younger sister who is 21 was the boss of everything. It was insane. We had to go out there on Christmas day last year to get them out.
Shortly after that any time my FI spoke to his mom (like when he had to do little things like get his sister off of their cell phone contract and put her on his) she just kept saying crap about his older sister. Saying that she is insane, ungrateful, and just making up these terrible things about her. He told her that if she thought he was going to betray his older sister, who is one of the most selfless and kindest people in the world, then she was DEAD wrong.
My FI was always kind of the black sheep to begin with. He was never praised for his (amazing, but yet I'm biased ;)) talents - and the few times that he was he was it still wasn't even close to the amount that his older brother and younger sister were. When my boyfriend was 6 and he cracked his head open his parents debated for nearly an hour as to whether or not to take him to the hospital. When his younger sister "claimed" she was feeling nauseous they called an ambulance (she always has mysterious medical problems that can't ever be diagnosed).
His main purpose for being around was to do work for his family. Even when I was there I was put to work. His older brother and younger sister? Oh, never. They would never be expected to do anything.
That Thanksgiving when his sister was still living there his mom made this big long speech about how WONDERFUL her husband (who she has multiple times said that she has considered MURDERING) and her youngest daughter are - and then how much she loves her son (my FI's brother) and his wife. SHe completely forgot to mention his older sister and her kids and then her comment about us was "Oh well [my FI] it would be nice to see you more". (My FI had been avoiding them more and more).
Did they ever once visit him? No. He lives 30min. away and they never saw where my FI lives. I'm surprised they even know the address. (Actually his mom had to ask for it a year after he moved in because she needed to mail him something). But they would visit his brother and younger sister who lived almost 5 hours away quite frequently!
Recently she called my FI because his brother was in the hospital and had his gallbladder removed. My FI called his brother to see how he was doing. She also said in the message that it would be nice to meet up sometime.
He said, "Okay we can meet on x day in x town (20-30min from her)." She texted him saying "I can't do that day. I work."
So my FI texted her back saying, "okay then what day does work for you?"
No response.
I'm just angry. I'm very protective and anybody who knows my FI knows that he is one of the sweetest, kindest, rational, and patient people. He doesn't deserve this treatment. It breaks my heart.
The social worker he talked to about this whole situation along with his dad's siblings (who pretty much hate their brother) always say its amazing my FI and his older sister ended up how they did.
Considering what a back-stabbing, selfish woman their mother is... it is pretty amazing. My mother says that she "feels for" his mom. I maybe would too if I really felt that she was the victim of an abusive man... but honestly I really wonder about her.
Am I wrong to? Sometimes she seems nice and like she cares about people, but if she can be like this to her OWN KIDS? I really don't know.
I'm just SO upset and heartbroken for him. I'm sorry this was long.