Disappointed, sad… what kind of mother..? [NWR][Long rant]

posted 1 year ago in Family
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

I can relate to your situation SO much. At times I thought I was reading about my own situation. It is heartbreaking to be in a relationship with someone who is (and has grown up) completely neglected and/or abused by their family. He deserves better. You’ve probably already figured this out, but it will not help things to continually get upset and talk abut the situation with your FI, which is something I learned the hard way. Not that you should never address it, but try to let it not get heated. I know it is hard, righteous anger. My FMIL is a nightmare, but I have learned to forgive and move on. It helps that we will never see or talk to her again. ha.

I don’t think you are wrong to “wonder” about his mother. If she can be that vile to you and her own son, and support the bad behavior of another child, chances are any kindness she shows to others is for her own gain. You will have to learn to not internalize it. If things continue to escalate, consider ceasing contact and focusing on strengthening relationships with other family members that will actually be family. I don’t think sharing blood gives you a right to be in a person’s life. That’s a right that you can forfeit, and it sounds like she has.

Member
950 posts
Busy bee

As much as it hurts it reminds me of my own mother… I cant comprehend it but it’sjust life and she has her issues.  FI comes from an extremely close supportive family and so my mothers words/actions are strange and uncomfortable to him (understandably).

Be supportive of him. Understand that this is his mother and the only one he’s got. What I’ve learned from mine is exactly what I DON’T want my family to be and the way i do not want my kids ever to feel.

She has her issues and sees this as her reality – you can’t change her or do much about it. Just stick by your man and be supportive.  Show him what it’s like to have a healthy living relationship. 

Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve grew up in a VERY similar situation to your fiance and it is still very difficult today. My mother has caused our entire family to be disjointed and suspicious of each other. I have told my fiance the stories and times that have been incredibly difficult and cried endless tears. Until I realised (through therapy and my wonderful fiance) that when I turn my anger, hurt and hatred into gratitude I find it easier to forgive. You see; the reason your fiance is as wonferful as he is is because of his family. When you grow up in an unhealthy family you do everything you can to be different and make better choices for your life. So because he didn’t want to continue the cycle of disfunction he turned into the marvelous man he is. It’s taken a long time but I am so grateful to my mother for being who she is because its made me reach for higher character traits in myself. It made me a better person. As difficult as it may be; work towards (internally) thanking them for who they are because your fiance wouldn’t be who he is without them.

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