Post # 1
Excuse me for this bit of a vent, I’m just feeling overly emotional right now and I know it’s safe and easy for me to talk to you all.
As much as I’ve been fine and happy planning my wedding with my friends and my FH I wish I had more support from my immediate family. I’m fine paying for everything ourselves, but it would have been nice if some suggestions or ideas had come from my mom.
I don’t know if she just is so incredibly different from me that she feels uncomfortable chiming in or that it’s her painfully shy way of just not getting involved because she’s afraid I won’t listen. I wasn’t an easy teenager (though I definitely was not a bad kid) and I’m decisive and strong willed.
I’m just thinking of this now as I’m trying to map out the day of the events. Does she come to my house while I’m getting ready and participate in those photos? I’m sure she should, but I don’t know what she wants to do. She hasn’t had really any part of the planning and I’m not sure if that’s my fault for not explicitly asking her or if it’s because she’s just not all that interested.
I also don’t want my dad around very much during the whole thing and I don’t know what to do with him. He has been giving financially all my life, but his main focus has always been my screw-up of a brother. My dad is a terrible listener and jumps to own crazy conclusions all the time, I don’t want that around me the day of my wedding. But that’s horrible to say and I would never actually tell him any of that.
None of my friends actually understand any of this. Almost all of them are close with their parents. I almost wish I had been able to invite my best-friend’s mom so that she could be here with me, she’s always been like a mom to me. Sweet and open and easy to talk with. My mom is awkward and quiet and has a hard time saying the right things. I love my mom, but it’s so incredibly hard to relate to her, and now during this important time in my life when I feel like we should be bonding I couldn’t feel more different and distanced from her.
I don’t know if there’s a solution other than to just paste a big smile on my face and look forward to the future with my amazing FI.
Post # 3
I’m sorry. It is hard to know what the answer is. But we are here. Years ago, my husband (FI then) and I moved in together. For a long time, my parents were angry with me, and they didn’t talk to me much. And like you I wasn’t a bad kid, but I wasn’t an easy teenager either. I had my FI in the car, while I picked out and tried on my wedding dress all by myself. Then I called my mom and asked her to meet with me and see it.-Well I was looking for that bonding time, and when she showed up, she had my aunt with her. I was very disappointed that it was not just her and I but I didn’t want to say anything that would hurt my aunt. Then my brother got married to somebody that ended up making it impossible to be close to my mom. (SIL was ALWAYS included) until we finally moved away. (My mom and I were not really alike either). Then I finally had 10 years to build the type of relationship with my parents that I really wanted. It took a lot of work-but it was worth it. When they came to my house I made sure that we did things together that we could enjoy and bond over. You can make a way to bond with them over time-you can find your way to make it happen, it might just not be now, on your wedding day-but maybe they will surprise you. Just remember that they do love you. But don’t let your opportunity pass. I have very fond memories of having special times with my parents now, even though some earlier times were strained. Have a wonderful wedding day. Best Wishes.
Post # 4
@[email protected]: Thank you!! I really appreciate you sharing your story with me and I’m sorry it’s taken awhile for me to respond. It’s so fantastic that you’ve been able to find a way to bond with and enjoy your parents. May I ask what it is that you all do together?
I thought that maybe if my parents moved out to WA and started a new life they would be happy and I could include them more in my life. Now, after the wedding, I’m not so sure. I honestly cannot imagine anything that my parents and I could bond over that could last very long. If they moved out here, that would mean my dad would have to leave my brother who lives in NJ with his wife who continually tries to distance him from my parents. I don’t think my dad will ever be willing to leave my brother, even though the only relationship they have is over the phone.
As for the wedding, it ended up being amazing. My dad didn’t come because he got sick and felt like he couldn’t fly. What an amazing solution that ended up being. I think it shows that he is not willing to really be there for me, and that was an answer I needed to get so I can have closure on some of my feelings about my relationship with him.
My mom seemed pretty disconnected the whole time, I asked what she wanted to do, if she wanted to get her hair done, if she wanted to be there while I got ready. She said no. But you know what? It didn’t matter. The love I felt from other family members of mine and my DH’s entire family and all of our friends made up for what my parents didn’t show. I realize that I’ve made some very positive decisions by keeping good friends close and distancing myself from negative people, or people who are unable to show their love.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a good solution of what to do with my parents, but after this wedding, I do know that I’m not really missing anything without having them be a big part of my life. It’s sad, but it’s a true realization.