Post # 1
I wanted to get some advice with respect to a situation that I’ve had to deal with. I got engaged this past September and my wedding will be on November 24, 2012 (less than two months from now!) We are getting married sooner rather than later because my fiance is American and we need to get the ball rolling.
Before I got engaged, I trusted my fiance completely. I have known him since I was 12 and he is the sweetest kindest guy. I have never once have to question what he is doing and the thought of him cheating never crossed my mind once throughout our entire two and half year relationship.
After we got engaged, we starting talked about bachelor/bachelorette parties. I planned mine – I am going out with a ton of my girlfriends clubbing and gambling in Niagara. His friend then kept bringing up the fact that he was taking my fiance to a strip clubs. My fiance hates strip clubs and I told him I honestly don’t care if he goes but that I just wouldnt want him to get a lap dance – that’s where I draw the line. But he insisted that he hates strip clubs and he would rather go gambling.
Well his friend kept pushing the issue and eventually it just made me snap. All of a sudden these thoughts entered my mind – what if he does something to ruin our relationship? Do I really know him? Am I even ready to get married? For an entire week I didn’t sleep, went to the doctor because I broke out with exema, and smoked like a chimney (I’m not even a smoker). Not to mention I have to do all of the planning because my fiance is in school.
I ended up blowing up on his friend (which I regret) but I just could not control my emotions. I felt like he was trying to force my fiance to do something I wouldn’t like. I think I literally went crazy. Then my fiance’s friend told him to lie to me and tell me they were going clubbing (my fiance was showing me a text and this message was conveniently right before it). We went over to the friend’s house on the weekend and he kept showing my fiance naked pcitures of girls while I was sitting right beside him (to provoke me obviously). When he sent an email to my brother in law and my fiance’s friends about the bachelor party he said “Rachel has been making a hell of a stink about the strip club thing so do not mention it to Rachel or George – but I want to go so we will see how the night goes”
Basically he has frustrated me to the point where I almost do not want him at the wedding. He is getting so involved in my relationship and to me being completely disrespectful of my wishes and those of my fiance. I don’t want to take out my anger and frustration on my fiance. I have talked to him about it but there is only so much he can say to his friend.
How would you feel in a situation like this? Please I need some advice and is it normal for this situation to bring out so many emotions!!!!!
Post # 3
First off, welcome! 🙂
I think (and I mean this in a nice way) you need to calm down a bit. Your FI sounds like a trustworthy man, I don’t see anything here for you to doubt him.
If he doesn’t like strip clubs, that’s a good thing, just trust him. It’s HIS bachelor party, he doesn’t have to go anywhere he doesn’t want to go. If he changes his mind and wants to go, you’ll have to sit down and talk about that.
His friend sounds like he’s a trouble maker, just stirring the pot. The more you let him get to you, the worse off you’ll be. I have to assume your FI knows that his friend is being a d*ck, maybe he can tell him to lay off?
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Im curious what your FI is saying to all this? Mine would be PISSED that someone was directly being that disrespectful to me. That email is not OK nor is showing him porn right in front of you. Where’s your man in all this?
That being said, you have every reason to trust that he will be faithful. For me, this issue is where this “friend” gets off treating you so poorly.
Post # 5
Hi, I would agree with the PP, and just let your fiance handle the situation. Its his friend, and how he handles the situation will show his true colors. You don’t want to start a marriage by having to stand up for the both of you to defend your standarts/morals/vaues, do you? It should be a team effort, and so you should tell your FI what you find to be reasonable, and then let him handle it. If he disregards your wishes (if they are reasonable) then you may want to ponder if he is read to be your husband (not saying he’s not—but wouldnt you rather have him prove it than having to worry yourself sick not knowing??!). Good luck! Keep strong.
Post # 6
His friend is a jerk, but your FI seems like a really nice guy! Calm down and just let the subject drop: you have enough things to worry about with your wedding just around the corner! If you lay off and his stupid friend keeps pushing the issue then everyone will see that HE is the jerk, NOT YOU.
Post # 7
Your fiance’s friend doesn’t respect you one bit. Your fiance needs to tell him to BACK OFF IMMEDIATELY and to stop disrespecting you. By disrespecting you, he is disrespecting your fiance and your relationship. A true friend would not do that.
He is also disrespecting your fiance’s wishes by trying to force the strip club issue. The only real way to deal with this is for your fiance to step up to the plate and tell him to stop or the friendship is over.
On a side note: It does sound like you can trust your fiance not to do something that will hurt your relationship.
Post # 8
I think it is your fiances place to tell this guy to BACK THE HELL OFF or get the hell out of your lives. He sounds pushy and immature. If he doesn’t chill out, he needs to go. If your fiance doesn’t stand up for himself AND for you and allows himself to be pushed around by a “friend,” HE needs to go. I hope that’s not the case, though!
Post # 9
Thank you all for your comments. My fiance has said things to his friend but I guess he didn’t get the message because the email was sent last night. I know I am over-reacting because my fiance is the one I’m marrying not his friend. I guess I just needed to get my frustration out by posting on this board. It’s good to know that my feelings regarding being disrespected are justified.
Post # 10
@rachelamanda: I agree your feelings are being disrespected. That guy is a complete jerk. Let your FI handle him and try not to worry too much. He doesn’t sound like much of a friend.
Post # 11
I agree that your fiance’s friends are kind of being jerks.
I was in the SAME situation, and I say trust your FI!! I had the same freakout. I told him a strip club was okay, but asked if he would not get a private lap dance, because it made me uncomfortable. I trusted him, but I didn’t necesarily trust his friends. Ensue crazy images of naked ladies and ruining our relationship.
When his bachelor party rolled around, FI walked into the strip club, pretended to be too drunk to be there, walked out and sat outside in 30 degree weather for an hour while is friends spent $200 a piece on lap dances for themselves. He didn’t want to be there and he wanted to go above and beyond what I expected of him.
Trust your man, he may just surprise you.
Post # 12
Your FI seems pretty ok, and he doesn’t let his friend control his actions so you’re fine. Relax.
Post # 13
I really appreicate all of your insight/input. Isn’t it crazy the emotions that can be brought out in anticipation of your big day!? I know everything will be fine and my wedding will be beautiful and special.
Post # 14
I get that this guy sucks at life and must be such a loser if his existence centers around upsetting you…my advice is to stop giving him so much ammunition…the first one to loose their cool, loses, and I understand that you can’t control how you feel and this man is certainly pushing all of the right buttons, but you CAN control how and when you react to it…
It’s time to be cool baby, you may hate this man with the fury of a thousand suns, but what’s the good of being a woman if you can’t use your wiles and superior intellect to make this guy think that all of his crap is about as important to you as a hummingbird taking a shit over the Atlantic Ocean…?
Take a step back, take a deep breath and let all that hate simmer under the surface, because THAT is what he wants…don’t give it to him and he’ll find someone else to irritate.
Post # 15
@rachelamanda: Ain’t that the truth. Plus you are planning the wedding in a short amount of time, that would add stress. Let us know if the situation gets better!
Post # 16
@Nona99: That is fabulous, you’re an amazingly good writer.