Post # 1
Met my so almost 2 years ago and after the first date we saw each other 3-4 times a week. He moved an hour away about four months in and I started making the drives to his place, where he lives with a roommate. I have a seven year old and he is very integral in our relationship. Sex was great, we had fun, did all the right family thiNgs. At Xmas he bombed-didn’t even try to do anything nice for me that was meaningful even though I planned and prepped gifts for his family and spent hours getting his presents. He began drinking more and more until I finally contacted some influential people in his life (he has a past and I was worried about him). When he found out he left me, pulled me from fb and stopped communicating for a week. He contacted me after a week and wanted to try- almost completely quit drinking strictly bc of the calls I made not bc he recognized there was a problem. I have told him I want to start moving forward with our relationship bc he has made no moves to live together or marry in the foreseeable future. I’m the one that always packs up myself, my son and the dog to go to his house bc he complains about the trouble leaving 20 minutes early for work would cause even though I left 3hours early when I stayed at his house. I told him I’d like to get married in a year and eight months but he says he doesn’t like timelines. I was married for 7.5 years but that was over in 2007 (ex walked out via text, son was 6 months old). He has never been married or even lived with a gf. His past included living in a very separated mission, almost monastic life for four years. He’s 33 and I’ll be 35 this year. I don’t want to push but the constant state of transition is exhausting and I need to feel like we’re moving forward. just so frustrated.
Post # 2
I would be doing deep self examination to undersand why you want to “move forward” with this guy who doesn’t value you. According to your words, you are doing all of the planning and sacrificing to get together.
His lack of involvement at holiday time is key.
His drinking must be a problem but your post is incoherent about it.
This is not a good relationship and I’m sorry that you can’t see that. And I am sorry for your little boy who is involved in all of this.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Exactly what is the appeal here? Call it quits NOW. You and your child are better off alone.
Post # 5
Basically echoing others, but what are the pros here? When I had a problem with my now husband several years ago, I took a week to myself. I listed the pros and cons, and tried to look at it from the outside. I would much rather leave after two years than 15.
Post # 6
This guy has no interest in marrying you. The drinking, showing no effort and lack of wishing to move forward, are a dead giveaway.
Your 7 yo deserves better and you do too.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
Sounds like your child deserves a better father. This guy doesn’t sound like he wants to lift a finger for you, plus he’s obviously never been in a serious relationship before.. are you sure you want to bind yourself to him via marriage?
You and your son will be much happier without a man like that in your life! Plus drinking is a red flag for me.
Post # 8
Keeporthrowback: Let him put the effort in if he really wants to be with you. You shouldn’t be the only one sacrificing and going to him all the time. You’re making it easy for him to be with you but I have a feeling that if you stopped, the relationship would fall apart. Try hanging back for a while, not going to his place, and you’ll see what I mean. If he cares, he’ll show you that. If not, move on. You deserve someone who strives to be with you every second of every day and who doesn’t need a timeline because he can’t wait to marry you.
Post # 9
Keeporthrowback: i know there is a lot missing from your story here and you cant explain all the wonderful things about him over one post but…..
wake up lady. Why would you want your 6 year old around someone who has a drinking problem and refuses to admit it? Marriage is not going to ease that or take it away. It is only going to progress and get worse until he gets help. and this is coming from someone who has a a now sober 5 years SO.
I also dont know why you included that part about him not getting u anything for xmas? is that around the time you started to notice the drinking? Is that to show he is selfish (always making you drive to see him etc)?
If he cant get his shit together then there is nothing you can do. You can however, get your shit together and move on for the sake of your child.
Post # 10
leisha606: I mentioned Xmas because it was his lack of thinking of anyone else bc the time someone takes out of their day to do something nice for someone else is what’s important. also the fights at Xmas are when the drinking got worse. When we started dating he didn’t drink and really put in effort but then got lazy, complacent and ok with just being waited on. I guess the problem has been that when he’s not drinking everything goes really well and he’s wonderful with my son. I was so careful with my son and this is the only man he has ever seen in my life. His family is wonderful and he is when he chooses to be, but after talking to some male friends it’s time to back off and realize that if he wants us he’ll have to work for it and deserve us.because of my desire to protect my son I was careful about who was around him and it’s hard to let go when you finally let someone in. I knew the answers I would get, but it’s hard to do nonetheless.
Post # 11
Keeporthrowback: Life is hard enough without choosing someone hard to live it with….so why do you want to choose him? Especially given you have a son who really needs stability and a good male example in his life.
Post # 12
I’m really sorry you are subjecting your 7 year old to all this instability.
Post # 13
It doesn’t sound like you two are anywhere near ready for marriage. There are so many issues that need to be worked out, marriage is NOT the answer here.
You need to decide if you love this guy enough to help him realize and work through his drinking problem. It’s not going to go away. You mention that it’s an issue, but nearly in the same sentence you say you want to move forward with him… When you have a son, this complicates things because he definitely doesn’t sound like a good example. But that’s not to say that he can’t be helped.
You need to deal with the present before you should even think of the future.
Post # 14
Agreeing with the other bees- I would have called it quits the first time he left. He’s inconsiderate, lazy, has a drinking problem and doesn’t want to marry you- why do you want him in your (and your son’s) life? From the sound of it, you’re the only one making an effort in the relationship.