Post # 1
My boyfriend was married very briefly to his HS sweatheart, who promptly left him after the honeymoon (don’t get me started). He has had some issues with this in the past and really has hung onto his sadness about the situation over all.
Now that we are about to get engaged after 3.5 years (he’s been divorced nearly 5) I feel like we should sit down afterward and have a very serious talk about what exactly marriage means to us.
I’m… well I’m basically anti-divorce unless infidelity is involved. My parents have been married 30 years and his parents have habitually divorced and remarried.
Do you think this is something I should bring up to him? To reinforce my commitment?
Post # 3
if you think its important in your relationship then by all means bring it up. let him know how you feel about divorce and listen to his opinion too.
Post # 4
I think it’s an extremely important thing to talk about before you get married. It’s important to know what his feelings on this are and it’s important to be on the same page!! Definitely bring it up.
Post # 5
I would be careful about how you bring it up because you don’t want him to think that you are assuming that he will divorce you as well. I’m sure that he didn’t want to get divorced from his first wife either.
Post # 6
That’s the issue – No, he didn’t want to get divorced and he didn’t see it coming. He’s obviously been over her for quite some time, but if you have ever been the “victim” (I hate that word!) of infidelity, that part of the pain does not really go away. I know he doesn’t ever want to divorce again and that I don’t want to divorce. Howver, I also know that we agree on the issue of cheating being a reason for divorce.
I feel like I have “enough” info but there is a part of me that really wishes he would open up about it more to me. Should I just let it go?
Post # 7
My guy is very much in it for life, and does not believe in divorce. Unfortunately many people in my family have been divorced, and some remarried. This worried him ALOT, and it took several conversations for me to establish my commitment to him. It is a legitimate concern, but harping on it was kind of annoying after a while, mostly because it was about something that I had no control over.
Post # 8
I don’t see the harm in talking about it. I actually found it reassuring when my FI and I talked about divorce, infidelity, and abuse. I was more comfortable in my relationship knowing that we hammered out the things that would cause a divorce in our relationship. I don’t plan on being complacent in my marriage at all…but knowing that infidelity and/or abuse will be the only valid reasons for divorce actually INCREASED our trust and level of commitment.
Post # 9
Does he not want to open up about his previous marriage? I understand that it hurts him and everything but it isn’t healthy for him to just hang onto the pain and sadness from it because it might manifest itself in your own relationship.
Post # 10
I can definitely relate, christalynn! My guy is coming from a similar situation…his marriage and his parent’s marriage ended because of infidelity. Through no fault of his own he’s played the victim twice.
I wouldn’t force the conversation on your guy. I’ve obliquely addressed it with my SO by asking him if he’s ready to get married again, and talking about how we feel about infidelity and marriage in general. Ultimately, I think it’s important that your SO is honest with you and gives you full disclosure, but you shouldn’t dwell on it if he doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s painful, he moved on. You have the opportunity to help his wounds heal by being an awesome, faithful woman. 🙂
Post # 11
I think it’s really great you want to talk about it. You could always approach the topic by saying something like “Divorce is only an option in the case of infidelity. If either of us is thinking about being unfaithful, let’s promise to be honest with each other and think about seeking therapy.” That way you’re creating an “action plan” of sorts for the future.
Post # 12
He should know by how supportive you’ve been with his divorce that you are ready and in it for the long haul…and if he is ready to propose, or has proposed, then he is obviously ready to commit and isn’t worried about divorce. He has been hurt once, so he isn’t going to rush into anything he is not 110% sure of. I don’t think you need to deliberately bring the issue up, unless you feel he is hiding somethin. In that case, should you guys even consider marriage yet? My FI and I laid down our expectations of a relationship and what we feel is wrong within the first couple months of our relationship, and I have never felt the need to talk divorce because that is thinking negative instead of positive.
I would only bring up divorce if you were going to have a prenup or something like that.
Post # 13
i think its super important to talk about! i told my guy: Hey— fyi– i don’t believe in divorce (for me). i believe if two people are committed to a marriage then it WILL work and if its not working you need to try harder.
Post # 14
Yes, definately talk about it. Pre-marital therapy if you think that might get things going a little bit. Don’t harp on it. Just bring it up (not on a football game night) and hash it out.