- 6 years ago
I am currently going to be engaging (hehehe) in an LDR with my boyfriend of 8 months at the end of the month, when we graduate from college (I’m 23 and he is 21). We are going to be 1,500 miles away, unfortunately. I am wondering whether y’all have advice and tips on what we should discuss before going down the LDR path.
My boyfriend is very logical all the time (different from how I am…emotional), so please keep that in mind when reading this.
This is where we’re currently at: He has said that he thinks the LDR is worth it with me (rather, that I’m “worth it”). He has also said that there are no guarantees for it to work out in the LDR or if we were in the same area (I’m confused by this and would like specific advice about it…I and a mutual friend think he may be being pragmatic. I brought up the point that you don’t really go into a situation you’re wanting to work out with this attitude and he agreed. I guess I see myself with this guy for the rest of my life, and he may not have come to this conclusion yet about me, which may be reasonable considering how long we’ve been together. Then again, if he didn’t think it could work out, what would be the point of doing LDR?). When I asked him what the end-goal of the LDR would be in his mind, he said that it’d probably be for us to be in the same city eventually, but that other than that he doesn’t know. He also said that there’s no time-limit for him on the LDR thing and that “there’s no time limit on our relationship” as far as he can see. I asked him about time limits because I was wondering what he thought after I asked him the end-goal question and didn’t get a clear answer with his “I don’t know.”
For me, I know we haven’t been together too long, but I feel something very special with him, and I think I’d like it to work out to a lifetime together, if possible. I am going to try to close the LDR as soon as is reasonably possible, by attempting to find a job in the city where he is going to grad school for two years. I’m also applying to medical school (changed my mind from what I previously thought…eh, it happens, but I think it’s the right choice for me), and it just so happens that one of my top-choice schools is in the city where he is going to grad school. Most of the other schools I’d like to go to (ideally) are maybe 3-4 hours away. I also have a few schools I’d love to attend that are across the country, but I’m not going to limit myself when applying, as I cannot make all my career choices just to be close to him (especially when I don’t know that he’d do the same…he has actually indicated that he might not, but it’s still early in our relationship for that. I’m kind of taking a leap of faith in some ways, I think). I don’t know where he’ll end up after grad school or whether he’ll want to move to whatever area I’m attending medical school in vs. where he gets the best opportunities, but he’s a workaholic so that makes sense in my mind, to be honest.
Bees, am I crazy? They say that when you know, you know, and it seems to me that I know in this case. Obviously I’m not going to give too much/unreasonably, but someone at some point has to be the first one to take some leaps of faith and make some kind of sacrifice when in this situation. I don’t think I’m giving up too much at this point in time by looking for a job in his city (it’s actually going to turn out better for me that way, I think), and when it comes time to decide about medical school we’ll have more relationship experience behind us.
Is it wrong/bad that we may be at different points at this time? For me it’s very hard to determine where he is, and I don’t want to say much because I don’t want to freak him out/scare him off.
Do y’all think we’re too different in how we’re approaching this relationship? Boyfriend is very cautious. He’s someone who seeks perfection and applies an analytical mind to everything. I don’t know how this may or may not translate into his personal relationships exactly, but he does seem to have high standards (I meet/exceed them IMO)…don’t know how this translates in general or specifically to how he views/evaluates our relationship. I do know that he is generally honest about what he is feeling no matter what I might want from him (re: he didn’t say I love you until he was ready to even though I had admitted it to him a while before he admitted it to me, and he didn’t budge on that no matter what), and I appreciate that immensely. I also think his cautious/analytical nature may mean that he just needs more time to see what I see in the relationship, which I’m perfectly fine with at this point (we haven’t been dating too long, and I’m in no rush to get engaged…I’d probably like it to happen in 4 years although I realize I can’t truly tell what I’ll want or whether he’d be ready at that time).
We’ve established that visiting each other once a month would be reasonable, and when I asked him whether he’d be okay with talking every day (even if it’s very short), he said he would. When I started crying about our situation later, he said that I could look forward to us talking every day, so I don’t think he was just agreeing to that to appease me (we’ve been spending all our time together anyway at this point, so frequent contact is probably the best simulation of our day to day lives at this point).
What else should we discuss before embarking on the LDR?
Do you think it’s necessary for each of us to make a pro/con list and not consider feelings as part of the equation (a suggestion from a friend that I don’t agree with)?
Any advice about our situation from what I’ve described above?
Thanks so much, Bees! Love, Goody 🙂