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I don't know what is "supposed" to be discussed, but some of the things we have discussed are:
Having kids, at what age and how to raise them
Money and how to spend
Careers
How to spend holidays
Buying a house
Hope it helps!
Ummm lots of stuff! Here's a list off the top of my head:
What your career plans are for the future?
How important your careers are to you (do you live to work or work to live?)?
How likely would you be to want/need to move from your current location?
How will you handle finances? Will you merge all accounts or will you keep some separate accounts?
How do you feel about prenups?
How many kids (if any) do you want?
If you want kids... who is going to make career sacrifices to make that happen? How do you feel about one of you staying home?
How do you plan to handle your families? What if a parent needs to move in?
How will you make decisions about money and children?
Well, theres the basic list like if you both want kids, how many, will both of you work when you have kids...Then theres more intricate questions like how will you handle finances-share all of your money, split costs, do you ask permission before making big purchases. There are soooo many things that are good to talk about before marriage; whether everyone does or not is a different story.
I actually got a text from my married sister last week that said my FI and I should talk about how we will handle report cards once we have kids. Apparently they didn't agree on what constituted a decent report card and a bad one and it caused drama-for-your-mama in there household. Yikes!!!
I think its great your getting ideas about what to discuss now though..hopefully the advice will be helpful.
separate / joint checking accounts
prenups
definitely kids
where u want to live
Its important that you two are on the same page so you should discuss:
Money: How you handle finances (ex. seperate accounts, joint, who will be the primary person that handles the money)
Kids
Careers & Goals
Home Buying
Location: Some of my friends refuse to move, so the topic of would you be willing to move is important to some.
Boundries: mainly dealing with what you & he deem unacceptable behavior
Expectations of one another (physically, emotionally, spiritually, & economically)
Here’s some I would definitely NOT get engaged/married without having discussed first:
1. Your current financial position and (credit score, salaries, etc.). Financial history.
If bad credit, why? (i.e., pattern of poor choices or a valid, one time blip you are fixing?). How will you handle money once married (joint accounts?).
2. Career goals, plans. (concrete plans, not just dreams). Plans of action.
3. How many kids to have? When to have them? When will you start/how will you fund college accounts? Views on spanking/punishments? Your concerns (kids only eating organic, going to private vs. public school, etc. – whatever you feel strongly about).
4. Religion – or lack of. In which religion will you raise your kids? (if any)
5. Neat-freak divide – where do you and FI fall? Will a big divide in your level of neatness bother the other? How will you handle that?
6. How will you divide house cleaning chores – cooking, cleaning, etc.
7. What are your lifestyle priorities (having a new car every 2 years, buying a home, having cable, reducing your carbon footprint, lots of travel, etc.?)
To add to the great lists that have been posted already:
Our main conflicts have been about our parents, so definitely figure out how close you want to be to each set of parents. Also, when parents get older, what sort of support do you plan to offer each.
Pets was another big one - which kind? how many? how much money would you be willing to spend on their health?
In terms of kids, besides talking about general timing, number of kids and child-rearing principles, we have found it helpful to ask specifics like "Would you send them to public or private school? What if they wanted to date someone we didn't like?" "Would we use spanking/yelling/etc?" Not because you need to know the details far ahead of time, but more to understand how the other person thinks about these topics.
We also discussed how we would decorate the house, but I think that's extra :)
sorry if already covered:
# of kids, when, basic philosophy on abortion/adoption/fostering, fertility treatments (these may seem intense, but I've had some big ah-ha moments after discussing the above)
religion/holidays/how to raise kids "morally"/religiously
credit scores, spending philosophy, saving $ for kids' college, bank accts (shared?), retirement/401k philosophy
how to handle fights w/ inlaws
what about your rel'nship is "private"
homeowning philosophy
combining households/decor
sexual expectations
where to live (long-term)
pet philosophy
engagement expetions?
who will be the primary caregiver and division of other household tasks
things that are "deal breakers" or "hot issues specific to you"I think there are books on this topic you can check out.
and after you are engaged, getting a joint will
The biggies: beliefs, kids, finances, goals. Outside of that:
LOL...and make sure you turn these things into a discussion, not a questionnaire!
Oh my, there are many things two people should discuss before they get engaged/married. Sorry for any repeats.
1. Money. As the number 1 source of conflict for most married people and one of the leading reasons for divorce and related arguments, it is important to discuss money. Saving v. spending habits, credit histories/scores, current debt, who will be responsible for paying the bills, joint v. separate accounts, how much each of your will contribute to the bills (50/50 or another division depending on if one makes more/has more debt). And while his debt doesn’t legally become your debt (and vice versa) it will impact your spending habits and future plans, so it has to be dealt with sometime. Would either of you want/need a prenup?
2. Housing/Location. Assuming you don’t already live together already, either one or both of you will need to move sometime. Will buying a home and moving in together be a priority? Maybe one of you moving into the other’s house/apartment? And if neither of you own property yet, is purchasing a house/condo/townhouse important to either of you? If so, what is your timeline for that?
3. Career/Education. Are you and your SO already working in the careers both of you want? Do either of you have plans to continue your education/switch careers?
4. Children. If/When will you be having children? If so, how many? What are your parenting styles/beliefs? Is private school/moving to a new district/home schooling something you feel strongly about?
5. Family. If either of your parents gets sick/needs support, who will they stay with? Or will you contribute financially to their care? Who will you be spending major holidays with?
6. Religon. Are you and your SO the same faith? If so, is it something you are intent to practicing in the future? If not, will someone be converting? Or agree to make each a priority in your lives? What religion will your children be raised in?
7. Division of work. Is someone expected to do all the housework/cleaning/cooking or will the tasks be divided by likes/dislikes and time/work schedule constraints?
That’s all I can really think about at the moment. But one of the benefits about these types of conversations is that there are no surprises or missed expectations later down the road. And it provides an invaluable opportunity to learn about each other’s communication styles (are all these topics easy to discuss or do they start arguments) all while providing deeper insight into the person that you will hopefully be spending the rest of your life with.
In addition to the ones above (all muy importante),
What if you can't get pregnant? What kinds of options are you open to, together? We've had every tough discussion in the book, right down to, "what if i go on medication and end up pregnant with triplets?" or surrogacy or adoption.
How will you feel about handling difficult issues with your kids? What if your teenage daughter comes home pregnant? What if your kid gets into drugs? How do you handle stuff like this?
Long-term financial goals? When do we want to retire? How do you believe in spending large portions of money? Savings or what?
We've talked about how to handle dual-parenting working households. If he works and I works (we won't not work unless we can't get a job), what kind of care do we want our kids to have? A full time nanny? An au pair? Daycare? Daycare is 20K a year where we live--is it worth the extra 10K to have a nanny? How do we feel about putting that much money towards that?
Do we want to pay for our kids to go to college? I believe in paying if we can, DH doesn't want to pay for anything, like cars, college, etc.
How will you keep you+SO time separate from family/kids time? We talked about vacations, flying my mom up, and letting her babysit. We're having the talk now so we both know that WE are #1 priority, not our kids. If we take care of each other, we'll provide a stronger parenting foundation and teach our kids love and respect by doing unto each other.
I don't know if anyone posted this yet, but I liked this list from Oprah.com of the 20 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married: http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/08/02/o.marriage.questions/index.html
this is an awesome post! thanks for sharing ladies!
These are all great. I'd like to add that in addition to discussing what you want for your life and how you would handle a problem, both parts of the couple should discuss how to resolve their disagreements over something major: like whose career gets priority and when. Gottman's book has a wonderful section in his chapter on "Love Maps" of some fundamental questions to know the answers to regarding one's spouse.
This article ("Questions couples should ask (or wish they had) before marrying") was in the NYTimes a few years ago and I thought it was quite valuable:
These are all great, I just have one to add: divorce. Seems morbid, but it's important to know your SO's views on divorce and make sure they line up with your own! This could go hand in hand with the prenup discussion. :)
A requirement befor you say I DO:
-children and who will be the primary caregiver (or if you two agree to do it 100% TOGETHER)
-careers and the path you each are on (including plans for additional schooling e.g. law school, MBA, etc.)
-MONEY!!!! (how you will manage and who will write the checks to pay the bills monthly; savings; how to spend money; when to get an agreement from spouse to spend a certain amount, e.g. anything over $500, call the hubby for approval)
-how to deal with timeouts (we all have disagreements, how you should deal with it? Do you require a timeout before discussing the "problem")
-Girls' Night/Fella's Night (do you do them solo or together?)
-birth control
-domestic responsibilities (50/50 or when it needs to be done, just do it)
-religion
-how to deal with extended family
-CREDIT HISTORY (are there any issues we need to correct?)
The above items are not listed in order of importance. They are all equally important. MUST DISCUSS!!!!
All great topics - I have one that has not been discussed!
- Politics!
I think it is important for couples to discuss their political views. I have seen differing political views end in divorce!
Another one is hobbies and what you expect to achieve with them and how much time is involved. For instance my FI loves cars and plans to build a "Hot Rod" one day. This is an expensive and time consuming hobby. I too love cars so I don't see this as a problem for us because we can somewhat talk shop. However if he had been passionate about something else I'm not sure it would be easy.
here are some question my guy and i have came across
where do you see yourself in five years? is there anything you want to do before settling down? what role do your friends play in your life? im religious, youre not, will you support my faith?
these were biggies for us so far. we both want good careers in 5 years, having a stable life in important to us. he wants to buy an '87 porsche before setting down(thats his dream, dunno why) we both have friends that will be our friends for life, even though his dont like me(were still discussing that) and hes repectuful of my faith and goes to church with me on occasion.
Great list, ladies.
One thing I would add, if no one has said it already, is have a fun conversation about your dreams. What is it you guys want? My FI and I have really bonded over our career and retirement dreams. Knowing that everyday we are working side by side (metaphorically) to achieve something together is really powerful. We know, of course, that these are dreams, not plans, so lots could go wrong, but having that sense of shared purpose goes a long way.
The other big upside to having this conversation is that it frames other conversations. How do you spend money? How do you time family planning? When do you make big purchases? When to time career changes? Since we have a dream, it helps with those questions.
It's good to have these discussions to make sure there's nothing big right now you disagree on, but keep in mind things can change.
So we discussed many different scenarios that might come up and how we would deal with them. Like since he is from MI and I am from PA but we live in NYC - what if one of us got a job offer or had a family crisis in the state we were from (which are both likely since both of our parents own companies in the industry we work for). We agreed that we would be leaning towards staying in NYC or PA, but would have to evaluate each situation as it comes up and do what's best for us. It's funny, since that discussion we were offered ownership in his parents company and turned it down as that would mean we would have to move to MI and take on a bunch of debt and make probably 1/3 of our current total income.
We also agree that right now we're thinking no kids, but it's a very realistic future topic to be opened again in a few years.
I think it's also about how you handle these scenarios in addition to what you want 'right now'.
I agree with all the others. Here are some areas where I've seen couples falter.
Dreams - people settle into a routine, get jaded and start looking for something new. This may seem silly but I think this is one of the most important things to talk about continuesly. Not just goals but what are your dreams and how do you keep life from getting boring.
Openness - How much do you expect to know about your partner. Everything? What is Ok with being kept secret? How big of a deal are white lies/other lies to you?
Jealousy - How do you stick up for one another and address concerns when someone is making the other feel uncomfortable.
Having/raising kids - how to discipline, what if one of you can't make babies, what happens when the mommy drive goes into overtime, how do you feel about parents/ siblings/friends babysitting
Money - are you comfortable with each others spending habits and how will your finances be combined, what if one of you loses your job or decides you hate your job.
Location - Do you mind moving around, where will you settle down, what if you have to move alot
haha ModernDaisy - I completely agree, I didn't see yours until I just posted mine but I really think dreams are a biggy.
@ chicky-- The report card thing is a very good point! I know my parents put an extreme amout of pressure on me to get straight A's when I was in school to the point that I was always majorly stressed. I've promised myself that I will never do that to my children.
I think this is a great list of questions that have been put together...I think it is important not to leave out small details like housing neighborhoods...especially if you have come from two completely different backgrounds...also ask about supporting parents financially. My FI helps his parents out a lot financially but I don't do that for my parents.....So, we have already had to sort of deal with that early one in our relationship about how that is going to change when we get married and how he is going to deal with that...
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Hello all! I am currently waiting, but I came across a post earlier that made me think of something me and the bf have not discussed yet in regards to our future. We have discussed that we do want to be together and he is planning to propose soon. We have discussed quite a few things about the how we see our future, but I would love to know what everyone else thinks needs to be discussed before we do people get married.
Thanks!