Post # 1
So my DH, I and this girl are best friends. She is not a typical girl at all and is more like a boy which is what I like about her. She is not into men or dating really and not into marriage or pregnancy at all. She has a successful career and is very happy on her own and should a man join her thats good with her if not shes good too and travels etc. I like this about her cause she doesn’t get petty or jealous over girlfriends getting married or pregnant. She literally doesn’t care and never has and is very happy on her own.
My issue is this, she has always been over the moon happy for my life events, getting married accomplishments etc. But since I have become pregnant she has told me she is not a baby person, never will be and doesn’t want to hear about it. But my issue with her is this, she is our friend, she may not care how the baby is, but she never asks how I am doing. Ex. is when I first became pregnant, she knew cause we told her. She did the congrats thing which is awesome. But then she knew I also got bad morning sickness and was having trouble functioning. If she texted me saying “whats up” and I said “same old, not feeling very well” she would told me “she doesn’t want to hear anything about pregnancy or baby talk”. Ok, that wasn’t baby talk, that was me telling you I didn’t feel well.
It has been little things like that where I am not even mentioning the baby really, just like “how was your weekend” and I would say “really good, went out friday, hung around saturday, painted the nursery sunday” and she would tell me I was talking too much about the baby. I have literally said nothing to her unless it is in normal conversation in response to how was your weekend/what did you do etc.
The most recent is that overnight I blew up with swelling and the midwife was concerned and I stayed home for a few days trying to get the swelling to go down. She texted me and asked what I was up to and I said resting with my feet in the air at that very moment per doctors orders. She just said “ok” and said she “didn’t want to talk about the baby”. But the issue is that I am not talking about the baby! I am talking about me being very pregnant and health stuff and how I am feeling, like if a friend of yours had an ailment…or she asks me how my weekend was and if I say anything related to the baby she tells me to stop talking about the baby.
My DH said even this is weird for her and he is very close with her and has known her just as long as I have. He said her reactions are very odd and how she doesn’t want to acknowledge the baby at all.
I am just so dissapointed because I feel like she doesn’t care how even I am doing because if its the pregnancy making me ill she doesn’t want to hear about it. But if I had a cold she would give more of a crap (literally she has engaged more over me saying I got a cold then me having bad morning sickness). This is just a vent really cause I am just dissapointed that my best friend and MOH is not at all acknowledging this huge life change I am about to go through and is instead focused on how the oregnancy interferes with her life (as in I am swelling and shouldn’t walk for hours around a museum now we planned to go to and she is all pissy I won’t be going now).
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
Well, in her defense, all of those things you mentioned are baby related.
I’m wondering if you talk about it more than you realize, and she’s just plain sick of it?
But for her to mention every single time that she doesn’t want to talk about the baby is pretty weird. Maybe she is afraid she’ll lose you two as friends when the baby comes along- which is a valid concern, because they do take a lot of time and care.
I think you need to express to her how important her friendship is to both of you, and that you want to have a standing dinner with her (weekly or monthly, whatever works for you) after the baby comes.
Post # 3
I’m guessing she’s feeling insecure about how your relationship might change drastically now because of this pregnancy and baby and she’s trying really hard not to let it change… She wants things to stay the way they are, but obviously that can’t happen and this is a really major part of what’s going on in your life right now.
It’d be one thing if she just wasn’t inquiring about the pregnancy or baby, but to constantly tell you that she doesn’t want to hear about it is kind of a red flag… I guess the bottom line is that some friends will come and go in our lives depending on the stage we are in and they are in.. this might just be a friend that fades out a bit now, because the baby is going to come, whether she likes it or not. BUT, maybe once it’s here, she’ll change her tune a little bit and be more accepting.
Post # 4
missjewels: curious…is she unable to have children? I have a friend who is like this, and most people don’t know that she’s not able to have kids and deep down it bugs her but she never talks about it. She doesn’t like hearing about other people being pregnant because it reminds her.
Other than that possibility, it’s weird.
Post # 5
gingerkitten: I was just giving examples of when she asked and I replied with something even remotely related to baby. But really in the 8 months I have been pregnant on one hand I can count how often the baby was brought up to her and those are the examples. I have learned fast not to mention anything at all to the point that I don’t think she knows the gender even though we have known for 10 weeks but we never told her as we were waiting for her to ask and she hasn’t, she skipped my baby shower, she has never asked how I have been feeling (which you would think you would ask a friend regardless), she has told us when she comes to visit in a few weeks we don’t need to show her the nursery, she wants to go out and have some drinks but DH told her as I will be close to my due date he won’t be drinking in case and she got pouty about it. It is just very weird to the both of us.
Post # 6
missjewels: I don’t know it’s hard to relate to a pregnant woman when you’re not pregnant or don’t know anyone who’s been pregnant (her I dont’ like babies, leads me to believe she hasn’t been pregnant or is close to anyone). Perhaps talk to her about why she doesn’t like to talk about anything baby related? She may be sad that she doesn’t have anybody like you do (husband impending child).
Post # 7
MsGinkgo: She has never tried to, never really dated anyone serious, only had a couple brief boyfriends. She is very intellectual and into her career and travel which we love about her cause so are we but she asked more about what trip to go on next then acknowledging what are we gonna do with the baby to go on a trip with her? She got mad me being pregnant interfered with me being able to go on a quick holiday with her…not mad as in angry but like mad as an inconvenienced byt he whole things.
Post # 8
missjewels: I know people who haven’t tried but know they can’t have children – things they found out at a young age (medical complications etc).
Other than that I think she must just be afraid of losing your current dynamic and is worried that the baby will change things and life revolves around baby (Which in reality, it kinda does)
Post # 9
Your friend is quite rude. It’s going to be hard for you to continue being friends with her if she truly doesn’t want to hear ANYthing about your baby — once he/she is born, it’s REALLY going to be hard not to talk about it! I would just have a conversation with her telling her that you respect that she’s not into babies, but this is a huge part of your life, and you can’t just shut it down completely when you’re in her presence. And then just hope she understands.
ETA: part of being a good friend is supporting your friends’ interests. One of my best friends is an opera singer. I really dislike opera. But you know what? I go to her operas, and I’m so happy to be there, experiencing her world and supporting the amazing woman who is my friend. Your friend should feel the same way about you.
Post # 10
So I’m curious how YOU think you’re going to be able to be friends with this woman after the baby comes? You and you DH are going to be all about the baby for the next 50 years of your life, plus more babies I’m sure so I don’t see how you’ll be friends with her when she won’t even let you say that you’re not feeling well???
Personally, I’d talk with her if this were my friend and ask her how she sees the future of your relationship because the baby isn’t going anywhere… like you’re not going to lock the newborn in its room so she can have a nice intimate dinner with just you!
Very odd indeed… never heard of this before.
Post # 11
It doesn’t matter why she’s placed this topic off-limits. It only matters that she has placed the topic off-limits. The topic of the baby himself/herself is intertwined with the topic of pregnancy and everything that goes with it, just like the topic of Chicago is deeply intertwined with the topic of America. You have to respect her wishes and keep conversation fully away from those things. Only time will tell if you three can learn to maintain a friendship once your baby arrives; maybe she will soften her position a bit, or maybe you will be able to more gently steer around her land mines, but either way, IF there is a chance for the friendship to survive, then you have to respect her requests.
Post # 12
I can’t speak for your friend but I am not into children or babies so maybe I might be able to speak to this situation.
If a friend of mine got pregnant honestly I wouldn’t be into pregnancy or baby talk either,but I wouldn’t outright tell her not to talk about it. I would probably have short answers or change the subject because it’s not something I am overly comfortable with.
No one will be more interested in your pregnancy that you, some will be super involved, some will not be interested.Sounds like your friend is that later.
This is why a lot of times people who do not care for children drift away from their friends with babies. I know when my friends started having kids we naturally came to a point where our interest were no longer aligned and we became distant.
Believe it or not there is somewhat of a mommy club and if you don’t like kids your not welcome
Post # 13
If the tables were turned and there was something that she was very passionate about/was very central to the next stage of her life, and you put all topics around that off-limits, how would she feel?
It seems like she isn’t a good friend and likely you won’t have much in common after baby. Some friendships can’t survive new life stages.
Post # 14
sway0060: But if you knew your friend wasn’t feeling well or having a hard time wouldn’t you want to talk it out with you, see how she is doing, try to console her the same as if she was struggling with something else, regardless of it its the pregnancy making her feel ill or a very bad flu. That is my point, baby is to pregnancy but the pregnancy and the ills I have are solely to me and as her friend I would think she would listen to how I am feeling just as if I was really sick
Post # 15
pinkandgold88: And that’s the thing, sometimes you put on a face and pretend to give a crap to get excited for the other person. With her schooling I have listened to her with studies she has conducted not exactly understanding them but gotten excited with her etc. These are one off times, where you can see how happy they are and you celebrate with them or you can see how sad they are even though you freaking want to go I told you so in relation to you knowing that outcome would happen but you still console them. Sometimes you put on a face for your friend to be what they need you to be in that moment. And it just seems like she can’t do that with this, can’t just ask me how the pregnancy is going, let me ramble for 5 mins and say “that sucks” and then we move on. Its just we do not talk about it…thats it