Distancing myself from the in-laws but wish I didn't have to

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you continue to give MIL's boyfriend a second and third chance?
    Yes : (3 votes)
    19 %
    No : (12 votes)
    75 %
    Not sure : (1 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    42460 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    MrsPierce2014:  You said she doesn’t leave the house but is that factual? She never goes out to shop for groceries, go to the doctor, etc? You could invite her to join you for activities like lunch, mani/pedi, a movie etc. Drive by, pick her up and leave him at home.

    Post # 3
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

    MrsPierce2014:  How sad for your MIL. I absolutely agree with distancing yourself from him. I would have a conversation with her (you and your DH). Tell her that you love her and this does not have any bearing on her, but that you will not subject yourself to his abuse. You will be happy to see them together if he’s sober, or to see her separately, outside of the house. Then act on that–invite her to lunch, ask her to come over, maybe offer for her to come to Christmas and THanksgiving without him. He sounds like a jerk–and is not your problem–but she’s going to need help to get him help or get herself out. What do his sisters think? Maybe everyone could give her (and him?) an ultimatum? I’d also recommend Al-Anon, therapy, something for his mom as well if that’s possible.

    Post # 6
    Member
    42460 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    MrsPierce2014:    I don’t want to be in a draining relationship where I put in all the work. 

    Would it really be all that draining to invite her out, pick her up and drop her off? If she flakes on you, have a plan B ready for your suddenly freed -up time. Getting out with you might be the start of her turning her life around.<br /> 

    Post # 7
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee

    Perhaps you or your husband might suggest that she or all of you attend an al-anon meeting?

    Post # 8
    Member
    3195 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’m so sorry about this situation. It is so sad when we can’t be around someone we love because of other people’s actions. I think it is great that you have set boundaries and you are aware of what is tolerable. 

    Sometimes we have to let go of what we cannot control. 

    I wish that I could be closer to my MIL because she is my husband’s mother. However, her behavior is beyond the pale and completely uncalled for. I just try to focus on my husband’s family members that I have good relationships with. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6026 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Have you asked your mother-in-law how she feels about her boyfriend’s drinking? 

    Post # 12
    Member
    6026 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    MrsPierce2014:  Well the trick is going to be in choosing your words carefully so that she does not feel like you are attacking her. You’re not– you’re genuinely concerned with something that is damaging your relationship as an extended family, and you need to make that very clear. Choose non-threatening words, focus on how you feel and not what he does, and make an offer to support and help her if she is not satisfied with the situation. Since neither of you have actually talked to her, you don’t know if she is tolerating this man’s bad behavior because she is afraid of him, or if she is genuinely not bothered by it. Start with something like “MIL, I love spending time with you, but I feel uncomfortable with the kinds of things Boyfriend says to me when he is drinking. And I feel sad when our plans fall through and we can’t spend time together. Are you feeling okay with everything?”  

    Post # 13
    Member
    4639 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Sometimes no matter how carefully you choose your words, it can feel like an attack to someone who is defensive. I would just be soft and sympathetic with her, she may need someone to open up to and doesn’t know how.

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