Post # 1
I feel like an outsider in my own life– like I am seeing all of this happening but think ‘no way, that can’t be my life.’
long story as short as I can make it: we have been dating long distance for almost three years. He was my boss for three years when we lived in the same state, and although we weren’t dating at that point, became very close friends. I decided to look for jobs to be with him, which is 2000 miles away from where I am. I got a job offer out there, had huge issues with my family not supporting the idea of it, and was scared for the change. But ultimately I decided it was totally worth it because we are engaged, and this is the next step.
As I was giving my resignation to my current job, they counter with 1) a promotion and 2) a massive, massive raise. What I would make here is over three times what I would make at the offer that is by FI. That is far more money than he makes and puts me on a much better career path than what my FI is on. I told FI about the offer here and he was supportive (“we’ll just have to figure out where to go from here.”). I have about 200 grand in student debt, and about 40 grand in health care debt from when I was hospitalized and didn’t have insurance. (I have a heart condition and the insurance with the new job offer wouldn’t cover much of those costs). If I took the new job, and something happened with FI’s job, or god forbid we broke up, I wouldn’t have been able to sustain us/myself at all on that income.
After SO MUCH crying and deliberation, I decided I had to keep my job here. Now, FI won’t really talk to me. I am pretty sure we are done. i told him I know he is hurt because I changed the game, but it wasn’t secure enough to take that offer. I have to take care of myself and get rid of my debt so when we get married, I am in a financially better place. I’ve said that isn’t the only offer the world has to offer me, and with my promotion and raise here, I am in a much better place to look for similar jobs by him. It hurts that he isn’t willing AT ALL to look to move here. It hurts that I basically was given the ultimatum (but didn’t know it at the time) “move right now or our relationship is over.” It makes it seem like he only wants this relationship when it is completely convenient to him. He isn’t compromising at all. he won’t move, he won’t talk about how we get better, he won’t talk about our future, he won’t talk about coming to visit me.
I am so sad. I can’t eat or sleep or focus. Did I do the wrong thing? I don’t even know anymore.
Post # 3
I think you absolutely did the right thing for you. If it was the right thing for your relationship…you’ll see, and you have to remember: the most important thing is YOU. Your relationship is second (or third, or whatever, but just not first).
Post # 4
I agree you did the right thing for you, if he loves you he should support you and be happy you have such an oppurtunity!
Post # 5
@bluehydrangeas: I don’t think you did the wrong thing. I think it is unfair of him to be so inflexible. Is there a reason why he won’t move? Is he near his family or hometown? I am in a long distance relationship too, and even though we have decided that I am moving to be with him it is only because my contract is ending next spring and we don’t know if it will be renewed. I know though that if I had a permanent and well paying job that I loved and I wanted him to come to me, he would have.
I can’t say whether you should leave your job or whether you should stay, but I don’t think you did the wrong thing by looking out for yourself. If you can work at your job and pay down more of your debt while you are planning your wedding and looking for an even better job, then that is a good idea. It is very sensible.
I feel for you & I’ll keep you in my thoughts. This long distance shit is the worst.
Post # 6
thank you for your input.
@LilacViolet: both of our families live here. he is very very close to his family, and when we started dating, he had said ultimately he wanted to be close to home again. He had liked his job there, but recently started expressing a lot of doubt and disappointment with the position. I know he loves the city he is living in, but I would like to think he loves me more than a city.
Post # 7
The correct response on his part would have been “That’s awesome, honey. I support you and whatever decision you decide to make.” He should be happy that your job offered you what they did and you will be in such a good place.
I don’t think you did the wrong thing.
Post # 8
If he really loves you and to spend the rest of his life with you, he will come to his sense that you did make the right decision. It’s okay for woman to have a better career than a man. It’s okay for you two to be in a long distance relationship for a little while until he makes a plan to move close to you. Maybe he’s just upsetting right now knowing that he won’t be able to live close to you. Give him sometimes, thing might get better.
Post # 9
I know this is an extremely touchy situation but I want to be a 100% honest and tell you I dont think you did a single thing wrong. You are making a better life for you and your FI (3x the amount of money is HUGE) I can completely understand why you would be upset having to make that decision. Have you asked him if he would consider moving? Have you explained to him that you took this job not only to better you life, but also your life as husband and wife? I dont think you should sacrifice such a wonderful opportunity in your career. If he loves you and wants to be your husband he will support you and either move to be with you or make it work long distance until an opportunity comes about that will make relocating more feasible. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep your head up, what you did was in no way wrong.
Post # 10
Whoa. what a hearbreaking situation!
You did the right thing. As hard as it is, especially for women who are still conditioned for the most part to operate by accommodating others, you needed to look out for yourself! especially with the massive debt you are carrying. (god, I can’t believe the state of health care in the US, and it’s a foreign concept to me entirely that someone would have to pay so much to be hospitalized. just call me a commie Canuck I guess, but universal health care is where it’s at. But that’s another tangent…)
I think he’s probably just sad and hurt and confused right now, like you are. He will likely come around soon. at least to talk about your future and planning a visit for Pete’s sake! and if in time he doesn’t come around, then you know it really is the end. But until you’ve had “the talk” don’t jump ship- give him time to process his emotions over this change of events.
big hugs! and good luck…
Post # 11
Wow. First of all you did the right thing. You communicated with him and were honest during the whole process, more importantly you seem to thinking long hard about what best for you both in the long run.
The fact that you are willng ot uproot your life and your career for him should prove how much you love him. The fact that he isn’t willing to listen or even consider a change for you speaks volumes about the fact that he may be undeserving of it. In the future do you really want to be someone who going to place his needs above yours?
Post # 12
i think you did the right thing. you need to put yourself first. he is being a bit unsupportive with your new promotion.
life doesn’t always turn out how you want it to. your SO needs to realize that.
Post # 13
I agree with all PP. You are doing what is best for you and your relationship. A healthy relationship is about making not only the relationship the best that it can be but that it makes a better you. There should be compromise, support and understanding, equally, from both sides, and unfortunately it does not sound like you are getting any of that.
Hopefully, his, what sounds like anger/hurt, subsides and you both are able to come to a compromise. If anything, congrats on the promotion !
Post # 14
@bluehydrangeas: I’m really sorry that you have to go through this, but I truly believe you did the right thing here. In fact, as I was reading this, I was thinking that I definitely would have taken the job offer if it were me, and I’m glad to see that you did just that. Granted, money is not everything, but you also cannot live on love. I really do believe that it would have been foolish to pass up an opportunity like this, especially given your circumstances with so much debt and this terrible economy. Sometimes we get a bit too romantic and whimsical and think that we ought to be willing to give up everything for the sake of love, but we MUST ground ourselves in REALITY, and the reality here is that you really need this job and the money that will come from it. If your FI can’t understand why you HAD to do this, perhaps you will be better off without someone this infllexible and unwilling to compromise because marriage is all about this. I wouldn’t give up on him yet, though. Perhaps he will come to his senses, but even if he doesn’t, there is another man out there for you somewhere. Good luck to you and hang in there!
Post # 15
@zippylef: I would have liked to think he would have responded with any type of such support. No go. On a selfish note, I am sad I haven’t been able to process the fact I got a promotion and be happy for myself or proud of what I’ve accomplished that I’ve worked so hard to get. I’ve only been thinking about how I have seemingly ruined my relationship.
@MarieeToBee: When I asked him if even though it wasn’t our original plan for him to return, if he would be open to exploring opportunities here, he said no, because that would mean he would have to switch industry. That is not true, I live in Chicago and there are tons of the same type of job here. When I was going to move, I was willing to switch industry (I would have to, what I do totally doesn’t exist there) and take a career step down because I thought our relationship was worth it. Funny how he didn’t see it as a big deal for me to leave an industry I’ve been working in for my whole professional life, but it is way too big of a deal for him.
@mtnhoney: ha, yeah, I would love if I were Canadian and health care was easier. The student debt? I brought that on myself. Heart defect? not so much.
@TwoCityBride: I hoped the fact I was willing to move showed how much I loved him and our relationship, but FI tells me that my staying here shows him that he isn’t worth it.
Post # 16
@bluehydrangeas: I’m sorry. I personally think you may have dodged a bullet. If he isn’t on board with you taking care of yourself financially in order to have a better life for both of you – how can he possibly be willing to make a lifetime vow to you-for richer/poorer, in sickness and in health if he can’t commit to a beneficial move-even if it may be temporary? Take care of yourself (financial and healthwise) and the one who can’t wait to be with you -regardless of where it may be will show up.