Post # 1
I have been lurking for some time now waiting for someone to post a scenario similar to mine, I am afraid you are all going to tell me what I don’t want to hear!
I am getting married in 9 weeks! 🙂
I have four BMs, none are a MOH. I am struggling with the relationships with these ladies.
BM1. My sister, she is fine but has not been helpful at all. She does have a child but there have been people before her who have born children and can still get out of the house! It is a bit annoying but I can forgive her for this.
BM2. My youngest sister. She has been cold to me since I got engaged. The first thing she said to me when I showed her my ring after getting engaged was “Oh so your wearing your ring to the gym. I leave mine at home.” And then continued to talk about our spin class. I talk about this weird attitude and she blew up at me and hasn’t spoken to me for 3 months. I have really tried with her but she refuses to meet up with me.
BM3. My FI sister. Very nice girl, she lives 2000kms away but she is lovely and I know she would help me with things if she was in my city.
BM4. I had an argument with her husband about 6 months ago about a really dumb misunderstanding. I have tried to meet up with her for dinner since but she is always busy, it is just so so awkward. We were never super close, but were getting close when I asked her to be my BM. I was also overly jovial, it was NYE and I had drunk a bit of wine when I had the idea.
They have all paid for their dresses. I have bought them their shoes and accessories as gifts.
I want BM2 and BM4 OUT. It is stressing me out thinking that my wedding day is going to be unpleasant because I feel uncomfortable and one of them won’t speak to me. Plus I found out they hate each other.
But I don’t want to hurt feelings so it might be easier to just not have a wedding party at all (I am not adverse to not having a wedding party, infact it would save money and stress! And I would reimburse them for their dresses of course). BUT my FI wants groomsmen, he said he is willing to get rid of them if I want to ditch my party but I know he doesn’t want to.
ps. I go to all my fittings and have organised everything on my own or with my mum.
What should I do?
Post # 3
It’s your wedding. Dump them. If you think they can behave themselves for one day, then go through with it but, if not, get rid of them. Or dump #4. Obviously, if she won’t eat lunch with you, it wasn’t meant to be. If you decide to pick and choose who to dump, I wouldn’t dump my sister. Yeah, maybe she is being a jerk but you don’t know if she might come around. And then, it will always be a point of contention that you dumped her from the wedding.
I went through the same thing and had to dump one of my BM’s over a misunderstanding about a shower that got extremely out of control. I doubt we will ever speak again. Good luck.
Post # 4
Get rid of number four but don’t get rid of your sister. She’s your sister even if she is being a jerk and family is family. Can you get a parent or other sibling involved to mediate?
Post # 6
@chippybee: +1 you wont regret ditching No. 4. You may well regret ditching your sister. That’ll kinda ruin your relationship for ever.
I say dump 4, keep other 3, have your FI keep all his groomsmen.
Post # 7
If you are going to ditch anyone (though know doing so is a friendship ending move), you absolutely must reimburse them for any money they have spent on dress etc.
Personally, this is I think the punishment you get for picking someone you are not close with. What did you think was going to happen?
Post # 8
I really understand where you’re coming from with the BMs. I also chose people that I was close to, and even though they were carefully selected, 2 out of 6 completely changed on me, and my former MOH and best friend started treating me like s***! Don’t beat yourself up, first of all, because weddings really can make some girls jealous, upset, sad, etc. and even they might surprise themselves. I don’t necessarily think you need to get rid of anyone (hell, you’re less than 3 months out), but if I were you, I’d start planning my own parties and inviting additional friends to celebrate with you, so it’s not just you and the 4 BMs. That’s kind of what I’m doing for my bachelorette and I’m way more excited about it now 🙂 Whatever you decide, good luck, and don’t let them get you down!
Post # 9
@ali-x: Aww the drunken BM request, I got so close to doing that and really felt the wiz of the bullet I dodged as it sailed by, I’m sorry you’re stuck hon. Unless you’re perfectly content with removing something from your life entirely I wouldn’t remove them from the bridal party 9 weeks out. Also BM 4 sounds like the popular choice to ditch but it seems she hasn’t done anything negative to you, maybe she’s legitimately busy?
Your youngest sister, gosh I don’t know, did she really enjoy the wedding process when she got married? Is her marriage not going swimmingly right now? It’s odd to think of an already married lady being jealous of someone getting engaged but if she was the type to soak up the spotlight during her own wedding and maybe transitioned into a marriage that wasn’t as exciting as the wedding itself, she could be feeling jealous.
I vote to downplay their role. Get ready with the people you want to be with, have them get ready on their own, let them walk down the aisle before you and that’s it. You don’t need to set them apart in any other way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!!
Post # 10
@andielovesj: Of course I would reimburse the ladies for their costs, I did say that. And that is pretty harsh saying that it is my punishment :(. This is my first time planning a wedding, it is impossible to prepare yourself for the types of politics that can ensue. I had hoped we would become closer because that is where the friendship trajectory seemed to be going.
Post # 11
You are all right, dumping my sister would turn this into such a drama. We were best friends up until I got engaged 🙁
The consensus on that makes my next actions very obvious.
I will make another try with BM4.
AND I will downplay their role at the wedding, they can walk down the aisle but I think it will just me FI and me for the offsite photos, I think that is nice anyway 🙂
Thank you for your feedback everyone. I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this so I do appreciate the help.
Post # 12
@ali-x: I think you should not ditch any BMs. Why? Because they’ve paid for the dresses, and by paying for the dresses they have demonstrated they are committed to your wedding; and that’s the one thing a BM really must do.
How along ago did they pay for the dresses?
Post # 13
@paula1248: Dresses were paid for about 3 months ago….
Post # 14
@jennmariee: The downplaying is very smart, thank you. I will give that a go 🙂