(Closed) Divorce after a month?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007

First, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I can imagine all the hurt and anger you’re feeling, and no one deserves that.

 You say that a councelor and rabbi cautioned against your marriage…were the issues you describe above the reason for that?

Post # 4
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Being advised by people NOT to get married is irrelevant at this point.  You guys did get married so now focus on that.  The I told you so’s don’t matter.

 My brother is in the same boat as you, except he was married about 3 1/2 – 4 months before everything came crashing down.  His wife was lazy, contributed NOTHING to the marriage or house financially (except to rack up more debt).  All she did was complain about how she hated the neighbourhood and the house, and how the house was such a mess – even though she never once cleaned.  (And no – I am not exagerrating or just taking his side because he’s my brother,  I witnessed this all first hand).  Finally – he ended it and they have just started all their paperwork. 

 Sometimes things just don’t work out.  I know that my brother feels much better now.  He is devestated that his marriage didn’t work, but I can see in his eyes that he is coming back around to the guy he used to be, before his wife crushed his spirit.

 It won’t be easy, but I think that deep down, you know what you need to do…

Post # 6
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Would you be able to move back with your parents, or do you have any siblings or friends that you could live with/ have move in with you (if you were to kick him to the curb)?

 

I would look long and hard at this – he has been fired, doesn’t want to work, doesn’t pay for anything, and now doesn’t want you to attend graduated school… doesn’t sound like much of a partnership to me… or one that I would want to be in anyway…

Post # 7
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007

What is his explanation for "not wanting to get a job"? That’s just a reality of grown-up life, which obviously you know, but I’m just wondering why he thinks he’s exempt from that reality?

Post # 8
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Whatever his reason, clearly he is having issues – and he needs to get help.  If you were going to counseling together before you got married, have you stopped?  And if so, why?  i would say either get counseling or make him leave.  What do your families say about it?  If he was fired, he could be very depressed – not that its an excuse – but he could need his own counseling.  But don’t leave your house, though I am sure you know that.  Tell him you are getting a roomate to help pay the bills, you will be starting school, and obviously you have already told him to get his shi*t together or get out – GOOD!  You need to take control of the situation; don’t let him tell you you can’t go to grad school.  And the real estate market is horrible everywhere – my mother has been laid off from 3 different places in the last 8 months.  So, he really has no hope in that right now.  Tell him to grow up!!!!

Post # 10
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

i’m so sorry about this. 

 i hate to be the one to say "get out", but it sounds like you’ve already tried and tried to fix this situation.  he is not helping you achieve your goals via emotional or financial support, he’s making you miserable… i think the annulment may be the right way to go.

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Does it seem to you that he’s unwilling to work with you on finding workable solutions here? When you talk to him, does he see your side at all? It seems like he’s being difficult and defensive….does that guard ever go down? Do you think he realizes you’re serious about this?

Post # 13
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am sorry to hear this.  I have a slightly different opinion from many people here though. 

I would suggest that instead of "scolding" him of "why are you not getting a real job?  why are you not helping me w/ bills?", you could ask him "what can I do to help you, what can we do together to get through this situation?".  Stand on his side, think from his viewpoint. 

You said multiple times that you love him.  If you think from his side, you’d know that it’s depressing and traumatizing that he lost his job already.  He does need your support.  He does need you to boost his ego, now that it’s been crushed by external factors. 

It must be very difficult for you both now.  If you still have some hope in the relationship, you should not give it up just yet 😉 

(I am trying to take some ideas I understand from the book "5 languages of love" here.  If you are curious, it’s an interesting book on relationships that helped me.)

Post # 14
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Lionsaoi, before you kick him out or do anything of that sort, please go visit a lawyer in your state who specializes in divorce or familiarize yourself with your state’s divorce laws. This is the best way for you to protect your assets should you decide to divorce him or annul the marriage. NoLo Press makes some great legal reference books — they are designed for the average person, not for someone with legal training.

Best of luck to you. If he is not the right person to share your life with, it is a blessing that you discovered it before you bought a house together, took on a major business venture, or… had children. I had a friend in the same situation a few years ago, and she is glad she walked away early.

Only you can know what is right for you!

Post # 15
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Oh no, what a nightmare!  I cannot express how awful I feel for you.

As someone who is highly motivated and driven, I too could not stand to watch someone sit around and do nothing and drain off of my finances while I worked hard.  But it sounds like he is having a really tough time too, and even though you mention that he doesn’t act depressed, I wouldn’t be too surprised if he was.  My fiance has had several issues with depression in the past, and sometimes, rather than what you would expect, his depression comes off just as indifference.  He’s not upset, doesn’t mope around the house, just refuses to care enough to help out.  

Clearly this is just my own $0.02 and I am not an expert in this matter but perhaps it would help if you sat down and wrote out for him exactly what you expect.  In an ordinary relationship this would probably be belittling and demeaning, but obviously you are not in an ordinary relationship.  If he is unwilling to find a job at the moment (outside of his real estate "business), then he needs to help out around the house.  It is not too much to ask for him to do the cleaning, the laundry, and have dinner ready at night if you are the only one working.  Perhaps writing it down and presenting to him what you expect with that deadline for when he has to move out will help him to shape up.  I agree with the above commenter who mentioned that if you love him and want the marriage to work then you need to be as supportive as possible of him, but he does not have the right to leave you stranded, either.  If he’s not bringing in income, then the least he can do right now is "work" around the house. 

Post # 16
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - Still Looking!

Poor you, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. 

For whatever reasons, it sounds like your husband is taking out much of his situation on you (framing valid problems as you nagging or your refusal to support him, etc.).  As a result, the best chance for him to turn things around MAY be if you kick him out and he’s forced to address his situation through his own financial and emotional resources.

But separating doesn’t necessarily mean divorce….  Maybe time on his own could help him turn things around in ways that could save your marriage in the future?  I’m thinking about things from the perspective of my religious practices, in which before people divorce they must undertake a "year of patience" in which they live separately but don’t date other people.  Many find that they’re able to pull things back together during that year.  And the ones that do end up divorcing, at least often say that the time has given wounds a chance to heal and make the divorce process less painful.  (I have a friend who went through a completely sham marriage for her family’s sake.  They divorced six months later without any financial fights, but she said the divorce process was still unbelievably rough emotionally, despite the nature of the marriage itself.)

One caveat to the advice — I don’t know how waiting, versus taking immediate steps, would affect your financial situation if you two were to divorce somewhere down the line.  It would be worth consulting someone who knows family law to be sure your assets are protected. 

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