Divorce Fears

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Skittles131: yes, but then eventually I realise how silly it is to worry about things we can’t predict, since I might just as easily get run over by a bus tomorrow. statistics won’t predict individual cases, so it’s not like YOU have a 50/50 chance of getting divorced, yknow?

as long as both people stay committed, I don’t see why a relationship can’t last forever. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

YES and NO

Thinking about it as a possibility is truly normal.

BUT you have to have faith / trust in your relationship that the two of you will work together to stay on the same page… communication is the key

Marriage is hard… no two ways about it (I was married the first time for over 20 years)

And even good healthy Marriages have their challenges

Life WILL send curve balls your way (stuff you cannot predict or prepare for)

No matter how you try to “insulate” your relationship SH!T can and does happen that will sometimes send it to an edge, that you have to find a way back from, so as not to topple over to your the Relationship’s Death.

People lose their jobs – a House Burns down – Someone gets ill – a Relative Dies – there is a Family Tragedy… etc

Any of these will put immense pressure on a relationship, and this is the stuff you don’t necessarily have a game plan to deal with

Versus… say a Couple’s stance on some of the bigger more common elements to Divorce…

Adultry – Addiction – Abuse – Amoral / Immoral Behaviour… even Apathy

Those most people have a plan of action to keep at bay such as:

Relationship Boundaries – Respect for Each Other – their Faith – Their Morals & Ethics etc

Hope this helps,

PS… At my age, I am over 50, and Mr TTR is over 60, I don’t have any fears about Divorce in our relationship (we are very strong together as a couple, and both us thought long and hard BEFORE we began to date, get engaged, married as we were both Divorcées and didn’t want to ever go thru that H#LL again, we wanted to bullet proof our relationship as much as possible).  MY Fears now lie with the stuff we cannot control and how that effects our Relationship… ie Our Kids’ Financial Situations – My Elderly Parent’s Health and enventual Death – and even our own Deaths.  At our age these things are always in the background… especially the latter.  I worry a lot about our Health and Longevity.  Sadly.

The trick tho for a successful Marriage is to make EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.COUNT.  Make it as good as you possibly can FOR THE OTHER PERSON (not yourself).  Give more than 50/50… give at least 100% of you… cause in the bad days, you will need more than 50% in to perhaps carry the relationship when the other person cannot give their share.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 5
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Skittles131:  I don’t worry about getting divorced. The 50/50 is only a statistic. It doesn’t take into account what causes divorce. I don’t think most people who get divorced suddenly encounted a random obstacle that causes them to get divorced. Couples divorce because they stop communicating, they’re no longer working on the relationship, they don’t tackle issues together…these are not forces outside the relationship working against them. That’s all stuff between the two people responsible for making the relationship work.

I think the “out of our control” things that happen and have the potential to cause divorce are earth-shattering events like serious illness or the death of a child. If that’s what you’re worried about, don’t. There’s no reason to worry about things like that. First the likelihood any of it will happen to you is pretty close to zero. Second, you can’t know what is in store for you. Sure, you can hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but when you start fixating on the worst things that could happen, sometimes those thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think worrying about bad things that might happen is an unnecessary mental and emotional drain that can easily breed paranoia. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/23/divorce-causes-the-top-5-_n_3113551.html 

Post # 7
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I worry about this too. I worry about him changing into a completely different person, I worry about us BOTH changing to the point that we are no longer compatible, I worry that he’ll fall for someone else, I worry that he’ll eff up terribly and I won’t be able to get past it, I worry that the relationship will turn into something unhealthy and destructive. I worry a lot!

But the 50 percent thing doesn’t account for individual circumstances. College-educated women who are 25 or older at the time of their marriage have a divorce rate of something like 16 percent-a far cry from the 50 percent that is thrown in the face of everyone marrying. And the statistics also don’t take into account the people who go into marriage completely unprepared (like not talking about life goals and values) and the people who marry when their relationship is already on the rocks because they think marriage is an automatic fix (it isnt). Just food for thought that comforts me somewhat.

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@worldtraveler:  First paragraph, +1

I worry too. My parents divorced after 20 years and a friend of ours’ parents are divorcing after 33 years. Jesus H Christ I couldn’t even fathom that. It terrifies me.

Post # 10
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Skittles131:  Worrying about the worst case scenario when you’ve clearly made good decisions thus far is a complete waste of energy. It sounds to me like you’re giving yourselves the best possible chance.

There’s another way to look at divorce, though. 

The way I see it is that we are making a lifetime commitment, yes. But if something completely insane was to happen, I am damn glad that divorce is an option. I’m talking stuff like my DH turns into a meth addict or beats me up, etc. Serious stuff. Once upon a time, women didn’t have that option! 

Divorce sucks, for sure. But at least a bad marriage isn’t a life sentence anymore!!

Post # 11
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It’s definitely in the back of my mind…my parents are divorced. I was 3 and only have one memory of them together. My mom left, and it was a shock to my dad. FI is divorced and his wife left him in that instance, too…but he knows what hand he had in the whole thing. He would have worked on it, but she was done.

I give a serious eye roll to people who assert that divorce is NEVER going to be an option, or they don’t ‘believe’ in divorce. I feel like those people think that divorces happen b/c they get in a fight and are too lazy to make up. For the people I know that are divorced, its so much more than that. And you HAVE to believe in it b/c it exists! I usually just keep my reaction in check, though, even though I want to ask ‘So…if he hits you? Your kids? Cheats? Straight up leaves and you and serves you with divorce papers? What…you won’t sign them?’ I have heard stories like that, and I just don’t understand why people want to torture themselves in the name of ‘love’…

 

Post # 13
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

I got divorced once.  I did not have a happy life at all with the man, so it wthing good decision to divorce, and although it was a tough road to take being a single mom with no job, I made it out alright.  I thought when I first married that love is a choice and that I was choosing to love this man.  But that was a pretty twisted way of me actually saying that he did nothing to make me love him and I was just choosing to do so despite everything he did.  Now I am with a man who I love, and I choose to love him too, but he loves me back and does things that make me love him :). Fears are only self-limiting beliefs.  If, in the back of your mind, you feel like you are settling, or that you are choosing to love someone who may not be right for you, I encourage you to take a big step back adn reevaluate.  Otherwise, don’t let fear be in your way.

Post # 14
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’ve worried about it too. I’ve seen 3 couples divorce in the last 6 months. My parents divorced after 20 years. I’ve been with FI 6 years, and I’m sure that my parents weren’t thinking about divorce 6 years in. I’ve told FI that I’ll always be scared of divorce. But, I can’t let other peoples mistake affect the way I live my life. I love FI to the moon and back. I can’t imagine life without him and think we are a solid couple. I am so happy I get to take this leap of faith with him.

Instead of thinking about the 50% who divorce, try thinking about the 50% of couples to STAY TOGETHER. focus your energy into that

Post # 15
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I come from a very rational mindset about love and relationships. I have done my best never to get too wrapped up in the idea of soul mates, true love etc. My fiancee and I are high school sweethearts, we went through University together and many, many life changes. Sometimes, I really wanted to believe and buy into the whole romantic idea of love and marriage. But somehow, we’ve both managed to stay very level-headed and very realistic. We have never been the head-in-the-clouds, blinded-by-love kind of people; our perspectives just works for us and we’re happy.

I will say though, that thinking about divorce just means that you are acknowledging the possibility that things change. My father passed away and my mother is single. I use this as an example in my own life to accept the possibility that many things are out of our control. Death, marriage, children, fertility/infertility, finances, divorce, personal struggles…these will all arise. Marrying someone is saying I want to do this with you. I want you with me through it all, and I want to be with you through it all. But none of us know what lies ahead. I think that’s where going into it blindly, can be really dangerous and sad for couples.

I think discussing this openly with your fiancee/significant other is really important. I think this is one area where couples should be on the same page.

Post # 16
Member
3432 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

No one gets any guarantees with a marriage.  Just as you could marry him and have him get run over by a bus the next day, you could marry him and end up divorced.

At the same time, ultimately you have to play the odds.  And the odds are you will stay together.  The “half of all marriages end in divorce” thing is overstated in the first place.  Plus, it doesn’t mean that half of all people who get married end up divorced–a few who have a lot of marriages will cause the averages to go way up.

Plus, what are your alternatives?  The risk you are talking about is that you will one day end up single again.  But are you going to stay single your whole life to protect against the risk that you will be single again for part of your life?

And I say this as one of the statistics.  When I got married the first time, I was sure he was the one.  We’d known each other for 7 years, our families both approved, etc.  Twenty years later, he walked out.  But that doesn’t mean that all the years were bad.  I’ve still got two great children from that marriage.  And I’m now married to someone who wouldn’t have been old enough to get married back when I got married the first time.  So I can’t say that I regret my first marriage, even though it ended.

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