divorce sucks. major family guest list drama :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what to do?
    invite uncle and aunt, uncle has to get over it : (19 votes)
    51 %
    invite uncle, gf, and aunt, knowing aunt won't come : (7 votes)
    19 %
    other (please explain!) : (1 votes)
    3 %
    if not inviting gf, write her a nice letter explaining why : (6 votes)
    16 %
    if not inviting gf, don't bother with letter : (4 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1613 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @ferdie224:  This is tough. However at the end of the day your Aunt is your godmother and your uncle gf is not family (yet). I would ask him out of respect for you to come to the wedding alone because you love your godmother and don’t want her sad because you love her.

    I hope your Dad can talk sense into him.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7206 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @ferdie224:  My advice in these situations is nearly always the same: invite who you want, and don’t let anyone “blackmail” you by threatening not to come.

    I think you should invite the uncle and his GF; as well as your aunt (with the option of her bringing a date or friend).

    It’s not like aunt and uncle split up last week. They’ve been split up for 5 years. To put it bluntly, aunt needs to get over it and move on. Explain to your aunt that the rules are same for anyone: all established partners are invited, and it’s not fair to make an exception. And who knows, your aunt might back down and come anyway.

    I’ve seen the same in my family with my own parents, who divorced after my wedding but before my sister’s. The situation is a little different because my dad had remarried, but it was worse in the sense that he left my mum for his new wife. The separation was about the same time as in your case (a bit over 5 years). Even though my dad was “in the wrong” because he left my mother, we invited his new wife to my sister’s wedding because we knew everyone had to accept the new reality that my father had moved on. My mother wasn’t happy, but accepted she would be there. Of course we sat them well away from my mother.

    Post # 6
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @paula1248:  +1

    I think your aunt needs to get over her ex. They have been divorced for two years now, she should be moving on already.

    She can’t dictate who can be invited to your family functions. Please don’t let her do that. I guess your wedding won’t be the last family gathering, thus at some point she would have to meet your uncle’s new gf.

    My MIL and FIL divorced over 10 years ago, and haven’t met since. MIL refuses to be in the same room with FIL, so for instance in our wedding reception MIL was there for the first few hours and FIL for the last few hours (neither was at the ceremony). FIL couldn’t come to DH’s graduation ceremony since MIL threatened that she wouldn’t attend if he was there. I think it’s ridiculous, and DH and SIL are stupid for letting her act that way. I try to stay out of it, since at the end of the day they’re his parents, not mine.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    I might have a different opinion if your uncle’s GF had involvement in their split, but since your Uncle and her became an item long after the divorce, I have to agree with the previous posters. I understand her discomfort, however she is putting you in a very unfair position to ask you to choose.

    We were not going to invite my FI’s father to our wedding. it would hurt his mother, particularly given he had an affair and left her and the kids for his wife (who is a lovely woman, and I liked her a lot the one time we met.) 

    Post # 8
    Hostess
    9910 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I get these sticky situations, my family is full of them.  My family it’s my parents who are the ‘problem’.  Dad remarried but dad’s family generally likes my mom much more than my stepmom and my mom is invited to all family functions and my stepmom is made to feel like an outcast (which at this point I don’t think is fair to her…).  At some point, everyone has to grow up.  

    Are you having a small wedding?  I think there’s a balance that needs to be achieved.  I realize that what I’m going to suggest is against ettiquette but is it possible for Uncle’s gf to join the party later in the evening?  

    I think your aunt needs to move on, I think she needs to talk to someone and get through this – she reminds me of my mom (and my aunt) holding on to the past and making other people miserable in the process.  Your uncle sounds like he’s being a little unreasonable and trying to force the issue – possibly to upset your aunt?

    There’s no easy way to solve this, but I really think that a lot of people need to put on their grown-up pants and realize that this is about you and your FI and not about them.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I agree with pp that your mother has to get over this for your sake. In fact, and particularly given the time that’s elapsed since the split, all the adults in this situation need to remember that this is your wedding day, not an occasion for emotional blackmail. It’s their baggage, not yours. In fairness, I can quite see why your father wants to invite his gf too. Just because they’ve only been together for months doesn’t make their relationship any less significant.

    Post # 10
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Invite the aunt and uncle, not the girlfriend.  They don’t live together.  Yes, it was 5 years ago, but family is still family.  Shes’ not family.  If they were engaged or he remarried it’d be different.

    You’re aunts feelings and requests are fairly simple…she wants to enjoy the day without feeling the loss of her romantic partner becuse he has another woman on his arm.  Your uncle who is pulling the “if you don’t invite my girlfriend I won’t come card” is being childish.  He’s a grown man….he’s not a 16year old.

    Don’t offer any plus 1’s, problem solved.

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