Post # 1
Call me naive or just “young,” but I don’t know if I understand divorce. I don’t have anything against people who have divorced though. I just don’t get it and it makes me really SAD. I don’t want to ever go through a divorce but I know that you just never know. My parents are divorced and they were married for 14 years and had four kids. I cannot even imagine… being in a relationship for that long and then just calling it quits.
My mom kept my dad’s old letters from the beginning of their relationship, letters he wrote to her a little before they were married and while my mom was pregnant with me. I read those and could see through his words how IN LOVE he was with my mom. Granted, they were in their 20s at the time but still. How can it change like that? As I’m typing this, I’m actually tearing up because it’s just crazy to me… It makes me a bit scared because I feel like my FI could have written those letters to me. We’re in our 20s too.
Just had to get my thoughts out (I’m really so random!) and feel free to comment about your thoughts…
Also, I saw this on Facebook and made me laugh. I wish it was this easy (and I know it won’t be):
Post # 3
@alotlikelove: People change, or they hide parts of themselves in the beginning, and they can grow together or grow apart.
Life happens. Don’t let divorce make you sad. Work in your own relationship to keep it alive.
Post # 4
Divorce seems similar to a regular breakup, only with much more invested. Therefore, it takes longer to make the decision to break up, and the result of the breakup is larger.
Post # 5
People grow apart sometimes, it happens. And sometimes you try your best to find your way back to each other and it doesn’t work. Sometimes people like your parents (could not be true for them) find out they’re not happy but stay for the kids and drag out the inevitable. It’s really no different than any other break up – most times in any relationship you don’t see yourself leaving or without them but it happens. Marriage vows don’t change that situation. IMO staying in an unhappy relationship BECAUSE your married isn’t a good option either.
Post # 6
If your parents are divorced, and you still don’t understand divorce, it’s probably a good idea to work that through with a therapist. I’m being totally serious. You’re probably going to be somewhat blindsided as to what it takes to make a marriage work/pick the right person if you can’t understand how things come unraveled.
Post # 7
@alotlikelove: I also feel the same as you. I know this is convtroversal but divorce isnt an option for me. I will be with my husband for the rest of our lives. That is someting I made sure that I was commiting to when I got married. not that I would be with him until things werent great anymore. You have to truly know the perosn you are marrying and ask things that are important to you. and then spend the rest of your life workign on that relationship. He is my life partner, through bad and good. I dont understand divorce either and like you, I saw how in love my parents were and also saw that love turn to hate. it was awful. I look at Dh sometimes and think there is nothing my DH is capable of that would make me give up on him.I also cannot even imagine going from loving someone so much that I make a huge commitment of living the rest of my life with them to not wanting to see them anymore (or in my parents case, hating each other). so, I can relate to your feelings 😀
Post # 8
People change, or sometimes the problem is they don’t. Regardless, life goes on and everyone I know who is divorced is happier than when they were married (those that are still single. You know what I mean)
It can be sad and painful but it’s hardly the end of the world.
Post # 9
I was of the mindset that I would NEVER get divorced. I hated divorce and what it made kids go through. AfterI got married I realized I hadn’t made the best choice. He was unmotivated, couldn’t keep a job, immature. We had 2 girls together though so I made it work. After 3 years, eviction from our home that I had no idea about, losing countless jobs, stealing from my family, cheating and being a pretty crummy father I realized divorce was my only option. It sucks and it’s not something I ever wanted but I had to. That’s why with FI we dated for 2 years before getting engaged, I wanted to make sure I knew him completely.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Divorce happens because people change, or reveal parts of themselves that they didn’t before marriage. Divorce happens because people cheat. Divorce happens because of kids and the stress they cause. Divorce happens because of money, and lacking it.
I think that you should talk wih a therapist to help conceputalize divorce before you get married if you can’t understand why your parents divorced.
Post # 11
yup. Divorce happens for a lot of reasons. I just got married recently, so I’m only basing this on what I’ve observed in my friend’s and siblings lives (I have 3 older sibs who are now all divorced).
-*most* of the people I know who are divorced at less than 10 years together, cheating was involved. One of my coworkers was a super sweet, very christian girl. I’m sure she thought she would never get a divorce. But 2 years after marriage, her husband began to cheat on her with one of his coworkers. He was not interested in working on their marriage. They’d just had their first child together. She wanted to work it out, but she didn’t get a choice…he filed for divorce. There was no way for her to see that coming, because they dated for 4 years before marriage, and he never cheated before. They met in church.
The bottom line there is that you can never 100% KNOW what your partner is capable of. I met her ex many, many times, and he always seemed like such a great guy! (little did we all know). He did not exhibit any of the “classic” signs for a cheater. But that’s exactly what he turned out to be!
-I know a couple of older couples who divorced. In both of those cases, the wives tried for much longer than they should have to stick it out–while their husbands became alcoholic deadbeats. They weren’t that way when they got married, but their partner changed. In that situation, when you have a partner unwilling or unable to change themselves, again…you can’t just “work it out”.
But I’m 32, so I’ve already been through round 1 of all my friends/siblings getting married and divorced. When you are older, you’ll probably see a lot more friends with “justifiable” divorces.
Post # 12
I, too, NEVER in a million years believed in the concept of divorce or believed that I would get a divorce. I’ve always felt that if you were married and loved your partner, you should work through whatever issues come your way. Sadly for me, after a year of marriage my husband’s “true colors” started becoming more clear. In the beginning, my husband made me feel so special, won me and my family over, was so giving, and expressed his love for me like no other man. Unfortunately, he started exhibiting many controlling behaviors (giving me ultimatums, holding my rings as “punishment”), began putting me down, and became more and more reactive and explosive during disagreements. A little after our first anniversary, I told him that we needed to go to counseling. He agreed to go, but it was very short term. Then, I asked him to go to a different counselor about three months later. This counselor basically told him that if he didn’t change his behaviors that our marriage wouldn’t last. My husband stormed out of the session and wouldn’t return. Finally, after a horrible event while on vacation this summer, I told him we HAD to go back to counseling. Unfortunately, even with counseling and self-help books, these behaviors continued and the counselor shared with me that my husband demonstrates a lot of narcissitic traits and these individuals are very, very hard to change. So…I ended up moving out to “clear the air”, as I thought that maybe this would help to break the incredible tension that had built up over the last year. This did not help and he became even more controlling from afar. I did a ton of soul-searching, praying, reading, talking to friends/family, and individual counseling before coming to the decision to divorce my husband. I came to the realization that my love for him had faded after dealing with the emotional abuse, I didn’t like that I was becoming a negative person, and knew that this wasn’t the right path I needed to be on. Yes, divorce is a horrible thing to experience, but I trust in my heart and soul that it’s the right decision for me.
Post # 13
People who frequent a wedding/marriage forum probably aren’t going to be thinking about divorce…It happens (in about 50% of marriages) because people change. Nobody is the same person when they’re 40 as when they were 20… the changes aren’t always bad, but if a person is so unhappy in a relationship that they need to get out, they should.
My parents divorced when I was 10, after 13 years of marriage. It was the best thing to happen with our family. I know some couples think they’re doing a good thing by ‘staying together for the kids’, but that’s the worst thing you can do. I remember my parents fighting all the time (not physically, just verbally) and sleeping in different rooms while they tried to sort things out. After they got divorced my sisters and I had great relationships with both of them, and we’re all well adjusted adults.
What if one partner turns abusive? If my husband started being abusive towards me, that’d be it. No counselling, no trying to sort things out, he would be GONE. I love him dearly and know he’d never do that, but the fact of the matter is nobody stays the same forever.
Divorce, while unfortunate, is the best option for many couples.
Post # 14
My dad had the same naive, blind, headstrong ‘divorce is NOT a sensible option’ mentality. It evolved over time into an attitude that neither him or my other could do any wrong in the relationship and everything could be repaired.
Needless to say, my mom left his ass. And no, it wasn’t because they cheated, fought (much), had a bad sex life or any of that. They grew apart. They still get along. They talk when they need to. There’s minimal animosity in the form of regret, and that’s about it. Sometimes people just get tired of each other.
Post # 15
The last sentence in your post… the one in the picture “cuz we gone work this thing out”. Divorce happens when one of you doesn’t want to or can’t or won’t or doesn’t know how to work it out. When one person stops trying and becomes not invested.
I don’t think very many people go into a marriage thinking divorce is an option… unless they have witness horrific relationships. NO ONE thinks it will be them. No one imagines the man they believe loves them so so so much will…. whatever it is he does that you can’t get past. No one imagines that they will hurt the person they love the most in the world so much that they can’t forgive you.
People today, especially in America, marry for love. Thinking it’s enough. Thinking the greatest of these is Love and Love will conquer all. But Love is a feeling. We don’t usually think of love as a series of actions. Actions that continue regardless of the feelings and emotions that we have for that person. Instead when you don’t love someone anymore you then can’t figure out a reason to be with them. Especially if they’ve made mistakes or hurt you along the way.
Post # 16
I don’t know many people that go into a marriage thinking they will get divorced but things do happen. People can change and grow apart. Sometimes there is infidelity or abuse, sometimes they realize that shouldn’t have gotten married. Of all the divorced people I know, only one couple didn’t try everything to make their marriage work. Sometimes it just doesn’t. Sometimes divorce is the best option for those involved.