Divorced Parent Drama

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can not beleive you would be so heartless to cut your mom out of your wedding.  If I were you, I would cut back on cost.  BTW, even if DAD pays, mom gets the front row seating (assuming she raised you).  If they do not get along, dad sits behind her.

I would tell him, either her name goes on invite, or it is togethor with their family.

 

Traditionally, MOB names go first on invite, no matter who pays.  She supplied the bride.

Post # 4
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@juanita.kelly.9:  I don’t think its fair to call her heartless, clearly this is an issue that is really bothering her and she’s trying to accomodate both sides.

My parents are both divorced and I am having simular issues with my wedding.  My issue is simular but different, long story short my dad is paying for the whole shabang, and my mom is concerned that my dad is going to use it against her as to why he isnt giving her money for her my younger brother who is still in college.  And my mom had reason to feel that way because my dad can be a jerk like that and it sounds like your dad can too! 

At the end of the day, I had to have a conversation with my dad and basically said to him “i love you and appreciate more than you could ever know that you are willing to fund this amazing day for me – however the day is not going to be amazing if its tainted with memories of my mom being hurt and upset – this is my day, my day that you are offering to pay for, so even though you are funding it, you are doing it because you want me to be happy and have what i want, and what i want is for both my parents to be recognized for raising me and making me the woman i am, if you cant put your issues with mom aside for one day, then i dont want to do this”

and i meant it.  you HAVE to put your foot down… its not fair to you for him to make this a pissing match.  You have to make it very clear that its your day and this is what YOU wnat.  You cant feel bad about it.  This isnt like him saying knock your friend joe smith off the list so i can invite my collegue, and you have to do it cause hes paying…. NO this is him not including your mother and she is a huge piece of the day.

 

Put your foot down or there will be regrets later is my advice.  Don’t make your parents converse more than they have to or at all – there is no need for that – he doesnt need to talk to your mom he just needs to respect that its important to you

Post # 5
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@TheLittlestBug:  also i wanted to add – don’t ask your mom to officiate, thats just weird – just have her be a part of it the way you want her to.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TheLittlestBug:  You should tell your father that your mother is contributing finances towards other things, so she is a co-host.

If your mother refuses to mix finances, she can still contribute to part of the wedding. e.g. She could contribute to any of these without any input from your father: the wedding dress, photographer, flowers, transportation, accomodation.

I don’t think having your mother officiate is a good idea. She already has the role of mother of the bride. Also, it’s good to keep divorced couples out of each other’s way. But if your mother officiates, your father is pretty well forced to watch and listen to her for the duration of the ceremony.

Post # 7
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My parents are also divorced, and it’s really, really hard, especially since this is, you know, a wedding. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

Okay, so my dad is also paying for our wedding, and he is just giving us checks to pay for things as we need them. So basically, I’ve been making all of the reservations/buying everything, and he’s been periodically paying me back. What that means in a practical sense is that I can involved my mom as much as I want (“Hey, let’s look through 50 sets of invitations! Which ones do you like?”) and then I can go to my dad and say, “Hey, these are the invitations I like, they’re $XXX dollars, is that okay? Okay, great, I’ll buy them, and you send me a check for that amount!”

I pretty much have control of the entire wedding, with my dad financing it. Is your dad not allowing that to happen? Like, is he saying, “I’ll order the invitations!” Because if so, I might consider turning down his offer to pay. Those things should be YOUR (and your FI’s) decisions. If he really wants some kind of “precedence” on the invitation, you could have the RSVPs go to his house–that would definitely signal that they are paying, without leaving your mom’s name off (which I think would be quite dreadful! It’s not like she doesn’t exist!). (If it helps, our invitations read “Harriet Johnson and Greg & Marian Johnson invite you…”)

Also, I do think having your mom officiate might be a little odd. It seems like maybe a little rude to your dad, who IS paying for it all, after all. Here are some things we are doing:

(1) Having my mom walked down the aisle by my grandpa.

(2) Getting corsages for the moms and stepmom.

(3) Getting special mom gifts (not “parent” gifts).

(4) Seating my mom and my dad at separate tables–we will then be spending part of dinner at each table.

(5) Having separate pre-wedding get-togethers with my mom and my dad.

Also, though, my mom has been somewhat involved in a lot of the pre-wedding stuff, like going with me to try on dresses, etc. But honestly, FI and I made most of the decisions ourselves, without any parental involvement.

Post # 8
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Sugarbee711:  I think this is really great advice! I did something similar with my dad, but it was more along the lines of, “I am seriously considering eloping. I am worried about how stressful it will be with you and my mom, because you guys sometimes have big fights at things like my high school graduation, college graduation, etc. What do you think?” And then it was kind of up to him to say, “No, no, we’ll be fine. What do YOU want to do?”

Post # 9
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry, wasnt calling her heartless, was saying I couldnt believe OP would be heartless.  Sorry if not clear.

Post # 10
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@TheLittlestBug:  You are being really awesome in condisering everyones feelings and appreciating everyone. Your mom officiating is really really sweet but I could see how that may make your dad uncomfortable based on his other actions. Could your mom “host” the rehearsal dinner or are your ILs on that? Could she host like a little super inexpensive welcome dinner or morning after breakfast so she gets to do invites and the like too?

Post # 11
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Excited — MOM shouldnt have to buy her name on invite. She is MOB. 

Post # 12
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Cedar Lake Cellars

@Sugarbee711:  Why is that weird?  My dad is officiating mine and I’m excited about it.

Post # 13
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Stand up to dad and let him know that he needs to understand your desire to involve your mother in your wedding.  I know it’s difficult to talk back to your father but otherwise, your mom may be left out of the wedding entirely.

If your mom doesn’t pay for the wedding, she doesn’t get listed on the invitation.  BUT, you could also request that the invitation only list you and your HTB’s names since there are so many parents involved.

As for seating, it’s proper etiquette for the mother of the bride to sit in the front row during the ceremony and at the head table if there is one.  So your dad needs to grow up about this one.

On a side note, aren’t you involved in making decisions about your wedding?  It should be pretty easy to discuss options with your mom on the side and then make your own decisions (you just may want to keep the fact that it was mom’s idea or choice when giving your decision to your dad.)

Ultimately, your best bet may be to refuse the money from your dad so you can cut the purse strings and throw the wedding you want with your mom as involved as you want her to be.

Post # 14
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TheLittlestBug:  So your Dad has refused you to allow your mother to go dress shopping with you or to come and look at venues?! You can’t go with her to look for a gownfor your wedding?

Post # 16
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow you sound like a great person.  I would have hoped that if you told your dad that your mom was contributing funds for your life as a couple, he would be appreciative of that.

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