Post # 1
Hey bees I am a regular user going anonymous for this post. So my wedding is only a few months away and I have been dealing with divorced parent drama. The whole story is just way too long for you guys to even read, so I will give you the low-down: my mom wanted my dad to contribue a certain amount of money towards the wedding in order for him to come. He tried to do so through child support that he already owes her. Not okay. My mom and dad got into a huge fight. My mom finally decided that if he would at least pay for his own meal and anyone else he wants to come, then then he could come to the wedding. I spoke with him and he said he was going to send me some money (not from child support) and was going to message my mom and see what she had to say and whether or not they could still come if they cut some people out and just paid for the meals of whoever they wanted to bring with that money.
So, I told my mom this feeling semi-happy because there was a chance my dad could still come to my wedding. However, she got mad and freaked out and it really upset me. She even went as far as to say she doesn’t want to go to the wedding and my dad could have her meal if he wants. I told her that he was just doing what she said was OK for him to do and she still is freaking out. She is mad that she has to see him walk me down the aisle when he will not have contributed hardly anything in comparison to her and plus she just feels he’s not a good dad.
I do not like that my mom is making me feel guilty for wanting my father at my wedding. I do understand how frustrating it is for her, but at the same time he’s my dad and I love him and want him there. I am super upset and crying. I need advice, help, comforting thoughts, anything. Thank you bees.
Post # 3
I’m sorry but you mother is totally in the wrong for telling you your father has to pay for his and any of his guests plates at his DAUGHTER’S wedding! Not ok. Regardless of if she hates him, she at one point loved him enough to make you, so she’s gotta deal with him being at your wedding, whether he contributes or not.
If my mother tried to pull this shit with me, I’d tell her you either deal with him being there, or don’t come. It’s unfair of her to put you in this position.
Post # 4
@Baroness_Meg: Interesting point of view. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to pay for him to come to the wedding, but I feel that if he pays for himself to come then she should deal with it. Your post made me chuckle though haha I hate confrontation and probably would never say that to my mom. I feel better though knowing that someone agrees with me for the most part 🙂 Thank you
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds like such a hard situation. I agree with PP that it is very unfair of your mother to put you in this situation. This is your wedding and if you want your father there, he should be there. Even if it is a hard for your mom to have him there.
I would make sure that your mom knows how important it is to you to have your father there and that he is doing exactly what she asked of him. It may not be an easy discussion but not having your father at your wedding is not something you will ever be able to change.
Post # 6
Too many ex’s just have never moved on. You Mom is letting her bitterness show through and it’s not attractive.
I would have a talk with her and remind her that this wedding is not about the state of her and your Dad’s relationship. It has nothing to do with unpaid child support. That is a separate issue. It is about you and your FI’s wedding.
I would tell her that I wanted both ny parents at the wedding and ask her to act like a well- behave civil adult around my Dad. What if she was in the reverse position and was unable to help out with the wedding-either financially or otherwise? Would she expect to be shunted to the sidelines?
Post # 7
@julies1949: It does go both ways, too. He has said/done things out of bitterness. I wish they could just both look past it for my sake. I do not understand why they can’t.
@CatABee: Thank you yes I agree that if he comes they both just need to be happy and that’s that. Why does a wedding have to be so stressful?
This whole thing has me pretty bent out of shape. I had dealt with a few things here and there over the past couple weeks but I’m just done now. I can’t handle it. I’m doing okay all things considered but I do NOT want to deal with this all the way up until and during my wedding day 🙁
Post # 8
I think she’s out of line for pulling you back and forth, but as someone who also has divorced parents, I’m thinking maybe she thinks she deserves to walk you down the aisle? My mom worked her butt off to raise me and my siblings with no help from my dad so I know it would upset her if anyone but she walked me down.
Post # 9
For one day you mom needs to let go of her bitterness toward your day and think of your happiness. She brought you into this situation and she doesn’t need to perpetuate your misery.
Post # 10
um it’s your wedding. I don’t get how your mother thinks she can charge people to come to your wedding, is she billing anyone else?
Their CS drama BS is not your problem. You need to have a chat … woman to woman about her drama overflowing into your day. She needs to woman up and deal .. garnish his wages don’t charge him an entry fee to see his own kid get married.
Also why can’t you pay for your dad to be there ?
Post # 11
I would sit both down and tell them to quit acting like children, if they cant get their shit together than they both shouldn’t show up. Your wedding is about you and your FI not your parents bitterness toward each other
Post # 12
Thank you for the replies everyone. I agree about them needing to put their issues aside for this one day.
@HisIrishPrincess: I could pay for my dad to go, and if he had told me he wasn’t going to pay anything then I probably would have. I just wouldn’t have been able to afford to pay for every family member on my dad’s side. We are already chipping in thousands and it’s starting to add up quickly. We are living on a very tight budget right now… originally my parents were going to pay for the entire wedding but then I had almost all of my other siblings get engaged right after me lol so things have changed.
Update: My dad actually decided he is going to pay for the original amount they had agreed upon in the first place so it seems that everyone should be going 🙂 I don’t want to get my hopes up too much though in case something happens between now and the wedding… I had a long emotional talk with my mother after she told me she was not going to come to the wedding because of all of this. I think everything is straightened out now. It’s unfortunate that it had to be this way in order to come to an agreement but at least they finally did. I am still hurt by some of the things that were said though… I’m actually excited that they really won’t need to ever talk to each other again after this. That’s something to look forward to!
Post # 13
I have bitterly divorced parents. I told mom that I’d have dad walk down the aisle with my sister (the MOH) and even THAT was too much of an important processional walking partner! She acted like he got such a grand spot whereas I’m just hoping he’ll understand and agree to not walking me down the aisle. It’s really quite frustrating. It probably bothers her because my sister and dad have a good relationship, and she’s in the middle of a child support battle between my parents despite being in her last year of college. He kind of realized that his child support wasn’t quite reaching his kids in college and started paying my sister directly a few years into college so she coulld afford to live near her school.
I get quite a few people saying “can’t your parents put aside their issues for one day” and for some situations the answer is simply “no”. If I ask them face to face they’ll say yes…but they’re impulsive people with tempers so…
Basically I feel for you, but don’t let it ruin your day. I’m going to let my parents stress me all the way up until the day of. And after that, screw it, I’m going to have fun.
Post # 14
I think it’s incredibly selfish and sad that she is putting you in this situation. It’s your wedding. She shouldn’t be agreeing to pay, to then say only if she approves the guest list. Whether she hates him or not, he’s your dad. His family is YOUR family.
I would seriously consider eloping at this point, or paying for the whole thing myself, even if I needed a loan. This is manipulative. Your father is seriously being CHARGED to attend your wedding. Is she charging her family too? How very very sad.