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I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with your parents. My parents are divorced and for a time I had a very difficult relationship with my dad, which fortunately is much better now, but I know how hard it can be.
I think you have to do what YOU want... it is your wedding and your parents have no right to make you feel uncomfortable and your dad should not be making your wedding planner any harder.
In my opinion, you don't have to rearrange your plans so your dad can contribute unless you want to... it sounds as though he has had plenty of opportunities to reach out to you before now, so it's not your fault if he feels excluded. Your sister should not be telling you what to do either. They should all be pulling together for you and putting their differences aside to make your wedding special.
It's so hard when there are family problems and you are wedding planning and I guess you don't want any ill feeling on the day so it might be worth trying to talk to your dad about it, but without giving in and rearranging your plans.
I hope it all works out for you, good luck!
I completely agree with worldfairy. This is your day, and they need to either put aside their differences in order to be there for you or not attend. It really sounds like your mom is desperately trying to get your dad involved so that you won't feel bad about his lack of involvement. I would have a talk with her and just be honest about the fact that their fighting is causing a lot of stress and worrying for you.
As awful as this sounds, your dad is being completely selfish. Your wedding isn't about him, and if he is going to feel like he isn't welcome, then maybe he shouldn't be there. I don't think you need to go out of your way to make him feel like you're dying to have him there. Go with your gut. Would you be stressed or uncomfortable if he is there? If so, maybe it's best if he doesn't come. I have been to plenty of weddings where brothers, good friends, or mothers walked the bride down the aisle because the dad wasn't supportive.
Basically what I'm trying to say to your is that whatever decision you make will be the right one because YOU made it, not your mom, dad, or siblings. Good luck, sweetheart!
I completely agree with worldfairy. This is your day, and they need to either put aside their differences in order to be there for you or not attend. It really sounds like your mom is desperately trying to get your dad involved so that you won't feel bad about his lack of involvement. I would have a talk with her and just be honest about the fact that their fighting is causing a lot of stress and worrying for you.
As awful as this sounds, your dad is being completely selfish. Your wedding isn't about him, and if he is going to feel like he isn't welcome, then maybe he shouldn't be there. I don't think you need to go out of your way to make him feel like you're dying to have him there. Go with your gut. Would you be stressed or uncomfortable if he is there? If so, maybe it's best if he doesn't come. I have been to plenty of weddings where brothers, good friends, or mothers walked the bride down the aisle because the dad wasn't supportive.
Basically what I'm trying to say to your is that whatever decision you make will be the right one because YOU made it, not your mom, dad, or siblings. Good luck, sweetheart!
Everything that you have heard so far has been from "the other side", or at the very least it has been second hand info. I'm not saying that you should not trust your Mom/siblings, but I do think you need to speak to him yourself.
As far as not contributing...well, in this day and age, I wouldn't exactly call that mandatory.
Actually, I think one of the major problems is your mom and how she dialogues with your dad. They revert back to their nasty way of communicating and you are being caught in the middle.
This may be hard, but I would talk to your dad one-on-one. If you want him included, let him know. Divorced parents have all kinds of baggage and it slimes everyone around them. You will need to take charge of your wedding situation with regard to both of your parents. They will not be working as a team in your best interest because rarely are divorce emotions final.
I really wish you the best.
I'm sitting here having a good chuckle Dana. Thank you! I am having flashbacks of being a DOC / MMA Referee at receptions. I HIGHLY suggest that you and your FI make a united front, let them both know it is your day as a couple. If you want your father to walk you down the aisle, so be it. Mom will have to learn to bite her tongue. This is a celebration of your new life together as a couple, not to re-hash a 10 y/o divorce gone bad. Tell them both to put their big kid pants on.... sit at seperate tables..... and play nice for 6 hours..... or stay home. You will have enough last minute things to worry about! Good luck!!
Thank you so much for your advice! It is so easy to lose scope during this craze and I need to be reminded that this is about ME! I just wish my parents could see that and start acting like the MOB and FOB instead of acting like two bitter divorced poeple. I just wish they would realize the toll this taking not only on myself, but my siblings and my relationship with my fiance! 8 months and counting til the big day, they have that time to work it out and step up...
Just want to say I know where you're coming from. My fiance's parents also had a *nasty* divorce (almost 20 years ago now), which has definitely led to some drama with the wedding planning. (FI's dad isn't invited to the rehearsal dinner b/c his mom is hosting, but his dad actually wanted to host and just didn't offer in time, etc, etc, etc.) It sucks, I know. I agree with @sudslover though. It's best to deal with each parent individually. Be honest, and tell each of them what *you* want their part of the wedding to be. Don't let them bicker back and forth with each other, and definitely don't let them use you as their go-between.
Good luck!
Yes, tell them to "put their big kid pants on" lol. Gotta love that generation. So spoilt! I like to call them the baby boomer-zillas! lol We are having the same problem with my FI's parents, who hate each other, and they were only married for a year in 1975. Their arguments over the wedding and their feelings of "comfort" have cost us a lot of money. We could have had an informal reception at his dad's place for under $1000 but because his mom vetoed any involvement of his father, we are going to be paying upwards of $4000 for a short afternoon cocktail reception in a restaurant. They bring my FI almost to tears. I hate seeing him that way. Yeah, it's always all about the baby boomer generation. I find my grandma's generation very refreshing - considerate, calm, tough, appreciative, humble. I think if I look to them for guidance, it will enable me to stay married long after the wedding's over!
Oh yes and I agree with TaraRose. It will be a great bonding experience for you and your FI to be a united front on this and be the grown-ups in the situation.
Thanks for the advice and please keep it coming! I am preparing myself to have a conversation with my dad about everything that has happened. I have put this off long enough but the reason I am so hesitant on confronting him is 2 months ago, I read him a letter that I had written telling him how much I miss him and want him to be a part of everything. I still have not gotten over the fact that he did not come in town for my engagement. It was planned 3 months ahead of time, unbeknownst to me, and he had plently of time to take off work and book a flight. I think the real reason he didn't come is because he didn't want to see/be in the same room as my mom. I continue to be punished for THEIR problems. So when I read him the letter hysterically crying telling him all I want is to be able to hug my dad and celebrate togther, all I get is excuses for why he can't come in and telling me he will come in eventually. It's been 4 months and nothing. He doesn't get it. My future in-laws are throwing us an engagment party at their home next weekend and my dad is the only person to not RSVP. THis is even more bothersome to me becuase my own father is completely missing from everything. I feel like when I call him I have to be crystal clear on how I am feeling and I don't want to get talked in circles again. How do I confront my dad in an objective way; how do I make this all clear to him?
im also having a major prob dana with bitter divorced parents trying to get1up on 1 another, so much so fi and i are thinking of cancelling and going away on our own - real shame not to have it where we would like with lots of family but its too much pressure on me. good luck anyway hun.
I definitely agree that this is your day and that ythe expectation of parents should be that they act like adults.
I do think, however, that your communication with your Dad needs to be direct, not second hand through your mom.
I would make it clear to her that from now on I would appreciate her stepping back and I would pick up the phone and call your Dad.
Tell him you want him to be at your wedding( you can decide what role you want him to play) and that you want it made clear to both parents that you expect them to be civil to each other and not interfere with your enjoyment of the day.
If he won't contribute- so be it. Move on and deal with the budget you have.
I totally hear you. ITs not easy planning a wedding with parents who do not get along. My father wants to bring his girlfriend to my wedding and I can't have that. Its not going to be a great thing if I allow it. I know he is upset but it just cannot happen. I feel like if it does happen, all eyes will be on them and people will be upset at him. I don't know what to do.
Good luck to you and just remember that this is your day and do not let anyone or anything upset you.
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My parents got divorced over 10 years ago and it was one of the nastiest divorces. They haven't spoken or seen each other since.
My dad moved across the country 6 years ago and I have seen him less and less.
I got engaged in March and he still has not gotten on a plane to celebrate with me or meet my fiance's family.
He told my mom that he plans on contributing nothing to the wedding.
My mom starts telling me I should not give him the honor of walking me down the aisle, blah blah blah. Now it's gotten to the point that my mom doesn't even want to invite my dad to the wedding. She sent him an email saying if he doesn't step up he's not invited.
I have tried my hardest to stay out of this and haven't even reached out to my dad since my mom sent him the email.
I am the oldest of 4, and now hearing from all my other siblings the he blames me, it's all my fault and he is never going to speak to me again. He then said, even if we convince my mom to let him come he won't come becuase he feels like he isn't wanted. Yesterday my sister told me that i need to start rearranging all my plans so my dad can contribute and be a part of it.
I am appalled by some of the things my dad has been saying that have gotten back to me and he's been giving me some pretty low blows.
I know I have to reach out to him eventually, but I don't want to get my head taken off for a decision I did not make and had no control over.
HELP/ADVICE Needed!!!