- 2 months ago
WOW. I don’t even know where to begin…
A LONG time ago when I first joined the bee I made a post. Basically I needed some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. When I first met his family (about a year after dating) I was totally thrown off by the family interactions. Basically their mom was totally obsessed with her adult sons, very territorial over them, kinda iced me out, etc. all while completely ignoring her husband. I found this to be incredible strange and maybe over reacted. I felt in my gut that something was wrong. I almost broke up with my boyfriend bc he acted like such a baby, and I wanted a grown ass man. Fast forward like a year and a half and I have put constant effort into my boyfriend at this point to make him a “man” however lame that sounds. He literally started cutting the apron strings and totally was becoming an adult! Like legit doing adult things! I taught him how to use a microwave, how to pay bills, even how to load a dishwasher..WOW! I was thrilled at his progress and his willingness to learn! Well then his mom came to visit him (we live seperately). And he had a studio apartment. I found it ODD that he OPTED to share a bed with his mom (which i posted about on the bee) and turned down the blow up mattress i had for him to borrow.
HIs mom is middle eastern and very traditional. Her life is her boys, she waits on them hand and foot. She and her sons dont have an adult relationship. When they are together its a very “mommy and son” relationship, wheras I am more “friends” with my parents while also allowing them to guide me and give me advice like parents do….. Anyways the past year or so my boyfriend has been working VERY hard to change the dynamics of the relationship bc he is pretty fed up with how she sees him as a little boy vs a man. Meanwhile his parents still have NO relationship with one another emotionally or physically. They are bascially roommates.
We have grown a ton and I started to realize how much he looks up to me and wants to provide for me. He LOVES that I am a driven, independent woman and have my own success and interests, etc. SOOO… we are at the point where he bought an engagement ring and a proposal should be coming very very soon!
SO what does this all mean.. well just found out some startling news about his parents.. remember how I said his parents don’t have a relationship? Turns out the only had sex like 4 times and they have been married for 34 years….. She was sexually abused before the marriage (we dont know when where or how) and was only able to have sex a few times to conceive her kids but otherwise had major PTSD from her abuse to have any sexual relationship. AND from what i’ve read this probably indicates a recurrent abuse situation, which i have a hunch it was from a family member or someone close to the family. Also from what I’ve read people who are abused can sometimes confuse emotional intimacy with physical intimacy, so the fact she had sex with her husband at all made her unable to continue any kind of emotional relationship with him. Her husband, my boyfriends dad, is white, super modern atheltic outgoing guy who has tried for years to get her into therapy and she refuses to go. He has been having affairs since the kids were toddlers. ANyways he is filing for divorce this week and only me and my boyfriend know.
NOW im kinda annoyed because he helped my boyfriend pick out our engagement ring and this should be such an exciting time for us. This whole divorce thing is going to put such a damper on the engagement. ALSO we are scared for his mom, what will she do? she doesnt work she has NO hobbies and we are afraid she’s going to fall into a depression.
UGH just a lot going on right now. Would appreciate some words of wisdom or insight. Anyone else plan a wedding while parents were divorcing? we are afraid this is going to be an ugly divorce, especially considering the husband is leaving her for someone else. One of my biggest concerns is that her son my boyfriend has been like a substitute emotional husband. what is going to happen after the divorce, will she be more needy? should we be involved and give our 2 cents or step back and let them figure it out no matter how messy it gets?