Divorcing, tell me some positive stories about life after divorce

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 I’m divorced, and now engaged to a wonderful man. Honestly, I don’t think I’d have appreciated my fiance as much if I hadn’t been married to the shithead first. I was at the point of thinking that a certain level of unhappiness was normal, and it had been going on for so long that I didn’t know there was another way to be.

Of course the first few months are hard, I know I felt like I had failed. But you just keep going, do things that make YOU happy, and then you realize how much better your life is.  Believe me, it gets better. And then at some point, you’ll look back and learn from the experience.

Post # 4
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and they became much better/happier/more fulfilled people after it. They really haven’t gotten into serious relationships (my mom did, but he turned out to be a huge scumbag who hit on me, which was just NONONONO) but they’re both much happier. My dad is really working on his avocation (as opposed to his job, which he still does because it’s fulfilling too) and my mom will graduate law school next May (I just got out in August).

Just stick with it, and I’m crossing the fingers on the house selling so you can get separate places. That will probably help a lot.

Post # 5
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yup.  I would not be the person that I am today if I didn’t go through my divorce.  I took time to get “me” back, because, lets face it, when you are miserable in a miserable relationship, you start to loose some of who you are.  You do eventually become happy.  I enjoyed not having to worry about anyone but myself, eating what I wanted, doing what I wanted etc.  Yes, you miss the companionship of someone, but found…ummmm…friends with benefits that I regret not at all.  We would go out on dates, spend “quality” time together, were friends, met his family and then we each eventually went in oppositie directions.  The best way to get over a man is to get under another LOL … jk…sorta…anywho..

I would not, ever, ever appreciate what I have with my DH now if I didn’t go through what I did.  Our relationship is majical (so corny, I know) but both being divorced, and both learning what we did wrong, what we did right, and knowing who we are individually makes it amazing.

Post # 6
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m divorced.  The marriage was a tough one and the divorce was absolutely brutal.  I highly recommend taking time off from dating while you go through this.  I had a boyfriend during my separation period and only ended up even MORE hurt when that guy dumped me.  After that breakup, I didn’t even try to start dating for 5-6 months.  It was the best thing I could have done…I needed to prove to myself that I could be alone and that I would be okay.  That time allowed me to discover who I am, what I value, what I want in a partner, and to have the strength and courage to wait and commit to a man who is the RIGHT partner for me, not just someone who would be there because I was lonely.  

Less than a year after my divorce was finalized, I met an amazing man and now we’re engaged and getting married next spring.  (At the time I get married, I’ll have been divorced almost 3 years, separated almost 4.)  I honestly don’t think I could have appreciated my FI for who he is and what he brings to our relationship if I hadn’t been married before.  I never realized this when I was married, but I was not fully ME in that relationship.  My FI makes me feel like me; actually, he helps me be an even better and stronger version of myself.  That’s what a partnership is truly about.  It’s out there.  You can and WILL find it.

I will say, though, that moving forward and meeting someone new doesn’t take away all the pain of being divorced.  I have what I call “bad days” where I am suddenly hit full-force with the fact that I’m divorced and all the pain, sorrow, and regret that comes with it.  But those days come less frequently as time goes on.  They used to be daily, then I could get through a few days and not feel so bad, and eventually they faded to weekly and monthly and now I would say within the past year that I’ve had maybe only one or two really BAD days.  I am sharing this so that you know that it’s normal to feel that way, even when you’ve found someone else that you would MUCH rather be sharing your life with.  It’s still hard to break that vow and to cope with it emotionally.

Soooo many hugs going your way, and if you ever want to talk about divorce, PM me.  (Seriously.  I mean that.)  This has been a very jumbled post and I’m sorry for not being more articulate.  There’s a lot to process regarding divorce, so if you ever want to talk, I’m here.

@MariContrary:  “I was at the point of thinking that a certain level of unhappiness was normal, and it had been going on for so long that I didn’t know there was another way to be.”  YES.  ALL OF THIS.  It’s taken finding TRUE happiness for me to realize just how miserable I was and how good life can really be.  It IS out there.

Post # 7
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@fuentesbee:  I won’t sugarcoat it.  It sucked for about 3 months.  I had trouble eating and sleeping and basically just being alive.  I moped around and lost a ton of weight.  I ended up on Zoloft to help deal with the depression and Xanax to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks that I ended up with.  I was also thoroughly convinced that strangers in public knew I was getting a divorce and were judging me so I became somewhat agoraphobic and rarely left the house except to go to work and come home.

But after about 3 months I forced myself to start going out.  To try new things.  To meet new people.  I made myself a promise to say “yes” to everything so long as whatever I was doing wasn’t illegal or something that might actually kill me.  I started going to happy hours and after a few months I regained my confidence and found myself as a new person.  I slowly tapered off the meds as my depression lessened.  Being a divorcee was not as difficult as I imagined and there are more divorcees out there than you realize until you start telling people you’re divorced; then we come out of the woodwork.

Aorund 6 months after the divorce I met husband #2.  We took things extremely slow at first because I was divorced and he had recently suffered from a badly broken engagement.  A year and a half later we were engaged and two years after that, I’m remarried to a man that is my ex husband’s superior in most ways.  It will take time to heal and the embarassment of people knowing you’re divorced is tough to deal with, but you will come out a better person on the other side and most likely if you do end up getting remarried it will be to a spouse that is a better fit because of what you learned from your first marriage.

Post # 8
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

And yes, I also landed my dream job about 6 months after my divorce was finalized.  I finally had the courage to follow up on a previous interview and they ended up reconsidering me and then hiring me.  Starting the new job really helped mark the end of my first marriage and the beginning of my new life (which I am much more appreciative of.)

Post # 9
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@fuentesbee:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My FIs parents divorced a few years ago. His mom is now remarried to a wonderful man (complete 180 from FIs dad, treats her well) She went to school and is working in the medical field (something her ex never allowed her to do). She’s extremely happy and confident. FIs dad met a wonderful woman who doesn’t take his shit and he changed for the better. Take care of yourself sweetheart. You’ll be ok 🙂

Post # 10
215 posts
Helper bee

@fuentesbee:  I kind of have a positive story. Im not sure if this would have happened but I think it would have. 

My dad and mom divorced when I was 7, after they divorced my mom started hanging out with drug addicts (the ones in our neighborhood, we didnt live in the best neighborhood) she eventually started selling and doing drugs, still till this day she does drugs (I still love her regardless of that fact) but I feel as if my parents hadnt divorced then my mom would have drug my dad into the mess that she got herself in and not only would I have one drug addict parent but two. 

Not the best of story but I think with them divorcing it saved my dad from getting invloved in drugs bc he moved out right after their divorce. 

Post # 11
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I certainly chose a better man the second time around! 

Post # 12
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@fuentesbee:  My fiance is divorced and, my being awesome aside, he is overall a happier and more successful person than his ex-wife allowed him to be. He has ‘blossomed’ in a way that is noticeable to our family and friends. I am proud that he did what was right for him – it will get better. Promise!

Post # 13
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Divorce is hard, and it sucked for me, big time.  I lost a lot of friends and a lot of creature comforts in the process.  However, I found myself.  I got accepted into every PhD program I applied for.  I’ve earned one MA (which I completed in the middle of legally separating!), I’m about to finish a second.  I’ve travelled all over the country, met amazing people, rekindled old friendships that my ex had tried to kill, and met my FI.  I’ve started dancing again, discovered a deep love of food, and found my connection to my Judaism again.  I’ve adopted two adorable kitties and I’ve seen my first pieces published for the academic market.  Compared to the person I was when I was married, I’ve come completely alive.  

Divorce was the most awful and healthiest thing I’ve ever done for myself.  It was like cutting off a limb that had gone to gangrene — it wasn’t pleasant, and it wasn’t ideal, and it hurt like hell, but it also was the necessary thing to do for me to go on to live a productive, healthy, happy life.  I know it’s trite, but this too shall pass, and you will find yourself on the other side of it — maybe even a better self than you knew you had in you.  It just takes time and courage.

Post # 14
6666 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My ex husband called me 3 weeks before Christmas (just about this time) in 2006, to tell me he was not coming home to me and our 3 year old daughter.  I was devastated.  I thought my life was over- and had it not been for my daughter I might have given up.  But, about a year later, I met a wonderful man who fell in love with me and my daughter and has become like a father to her.  We got married in 2010 and had another daughter a year later.  If my ex had not divorced me I would not have these beauties in my life:

I can’t imagine my life without them now of course. Things did not turn out like I planned- but they turned out wonderfully.

Post # 15
2620 posts
Sugar bee

What beautiful stories!

I am divorced and yes, it feels like a death.  I am not going to sugar coat it…the process is dreadful, heartbreaking, and there are times I felt so numb and didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed….

The good thing is, this too shall pass.  It is the temporary madness of grieving.  Now, I cannot begin to explain to you the magnitude of my peace after leaving someone who thought ‘crazy’ was normal and who didn’t respect his vows.  In my marriage, I didn’t know if I was going or coming and totally lost myself.  I thank God everyday that I made the decision to leave and I left with two kids under 2 – the hardest thing ever.

But I knew that if I wanted to be healthy and happy and I knew that if I wanted healthy and happy children, I had to leave the madness.  The good thing is, their father is still involved with their lives and sees them every other weekend.  And when he drops them off and he is with the woman he cheated on me with through the marriage, I smile internally and think, good luck with him!lol  It’s all forgiveness over here and I am glad he is off my hands. However, when with her, he has also tried to get back with me on many occasions.  If she only knew…

And yes, I met a wonderful man and we are happy. I now get to experience a relationship where there is trust, respect, and love. I get to be me. No longer do I have to keep looking over my shoulders…wondering what the next day with bring.  No more. 

Conclusion? You will be fine.

Post # 16
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’ll start with the good – post-divorce, my life is better than I could have imagined. I absolutely love my job and am married to the one, and we live in a cute little house with our two adorable dogs. My husband is also divorced (his wife came home from work one day and was like, “Guess what? Let’s divorce! I’m moving out this weekend”. I highly doubt she just thought of that on her commute home, but who knows). Neither of us ever, ever expected we’d get married again. I figured that I would date again, but likely never be in love. I seriously doubted that I’d ever be in a serious relationship again.

Sure, my partner drives me insane sometimes (like when i’m editing his papers for school!), but I can’t even explain how happy it makes me to havae a person who supports me. Who asks about my day. Who is there for me when I cry.

Even though I left my ex and filed for divorce, my divorce was still hard on me. A friend recommended a really good book, called Crazy Time. I can mail you my copy if you’d like. It’s an older book, from the 70s or 80s (not that is old, but more that it isn’t recent) but was very helpful. My ex was an abusive, mean person so there were days I would get upset, seemingly out of nowhere. I felt like a loser running into people that I hadn’t seen in a while (but honestly, I think they felt worse than I did. You could see people’s faces fall when I said I was getting a divorce – but I wasn’t sorry about getting a divorce). Getting a divorce left me broke, but happy (if that makes sense). There were definitely times I worried about relationships b/c there I was, 26-27 and divorcing (all told, I spent more time getting divorced than I spent married). My own grandmother told me I was going to hell sicne she doesn’t believe in divorce. That was hella hard to hear. 

I learned it was okay to be sad and cry. I was not so much mourning my ex as I was mourning a relationship that didn’t work out. That relationship not working out wasn’t b/c I was a bad person, or even that my ex was but b/c that relaionship didn’t work out. I wouldn’t have wanted to stay married to him anyway. But – plenty of my friends (mostly female) were blindsided by their husband leaving them and divorcing them. 

I lost a lot of friends in my divorce. So many friends felt that they had to choose sides. I had a few friends tell me “don’t worry! I’ll still be your friend! I won’t talk to him anymore”. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted people to choose to not be his friend if they felt like it, not b/c we were divorcing. Oh, and then my ex spread rumors about me (that i had cheated on him and left him for the guy I’m married to now – this was before I married, obviously. Here’s the deal: my husband is not the first person post-ex that I dated). I’m not saying your ex wil do this. I have a few friends who  have had (mostly) amicable divorces. They may not be besties or anything, but their divorce didn’t come across as bad.

When I chose to leave my ex, and then after I filed for divorce I needed to mourn. I did spend some time sitting around, feeling bad. then there were days I had soem friends kind enough to check in on me. I needed that.

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