I’ll start with the good – post-divorce, my life is better than I could have imagined. I absolutely love my job and am married to the one, and we live in a cute little house with our two adorable dogs. My husband is also divorced (his wife came home from work one day and was like, “Guess what? Let’s divorce! I’m moving out this weekend”. I highly doubt she just thought of that on her commute home, but who knows). Neither of us ever, ever expected we’d get married again. I figured that I would date again, but likely never be in love. I seriously doubted that I’d ever be in a serious relationship again.
Sure, my partner drives me insane sometimes (like when i’m editing his papers for school!), but I can’t even explain how happy it makes me to havae a person who supports me. Who asks about my day. Who is there for me when I cry.
Even though I left my ex and filed for divorce, my divorce was still hard on me. A friend recommended a really good book, called Crazy Time. I can mail you my copy if you’d like. It’s an older book, from the 70s or 80s (not that is old, but more that it isn’t recent) but was very helpful. My ex was an abusive, mean person so there were days I would get upset, seemingly out of nowhere. I felt like a loser running into people that I hadn’t seen in a while (but honestly, I think they felt worse than I did. You could see people’s faces fall when I said I was getting a divorce – but I wasn’t sorry about getting a divorce). Getting a divorce left me broke, but happy (if that makes sense). There were definitely times I worried about relationships b/c there I was, 26-27 and divorcing (all told, I spent more time getting divorced than I spent married). My own grandmother told me I was going to hell sicne she doesn’t believe in divorce. That was hella hard to hear.
I learned it was okay to be sad and cry. I was not so much mourning my ex as I was mourning a relationship that didn’t work out. That relationship not working out wasn’t b/c I was a bad person, or even that my ex was but b/c that relaionship didn’t work out. I wouldn’t have wanted to stay married to him anyway. But – plenty of my friends (mostly female) were blindsided by their husband leaving them and divorcing them.
I lost a lot of friends in my divorce. So many friends felt that they had to choose sides. I had a few friends tell me “don’t worry! I’ll still be your friend! I won’t talk to him anymore”. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted people to choose to not be his friend if they felt like it, not b/c we were divorcing. Oh, and then my ex spread rumors about me (that i had cheated on him and left him for the guy I’m married to now – this was before I married, obviously. Here’s the deal: my husband is not the first person post-ex that I dated). I’m not saying your ex wil do this. I have a few friends who have had (mostly) amicable divorces. They may not be besties or anything, but their divorce didn’t come across as bad.
When I chose to leave my ex, and then after I filed for divorce I needed to mourn. I did spend some time sitting around, feeling bad. then there were days I had soem friends kind enough to check in on me. I needed that.