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I feel like generally the order should go (since your parents are paying):
Brides parent's constuct a guest list
You and FI constuct your guest list
Remaining invites go to his family (assuming its a "fair" number)
IMHO, the way you are setting it up is generous to your FI's family. Your parents are paying for the entire day and they should get first pick. What you are offering is not unreasonable and I think they should be able to work with that number and be happy with it as well.
Just my 2 cents. :)
I think it's not a good idea for you to impose limits on your FI's guest list based on assumptions regarding who would come and on the second reception thingy. And while the fact that your parents are paying for it is a factor, I think it's kind of unfair to say, "Well, we're paying for it, so we dictate how many people you have." It is a celebration of you and your FI TOGETHER, after all.
It's probably difficult to do this in the abstract. I would first ask for a guest list from all the parties involved with the understanding that it's a rough draft and don't tell them the limit. Let them list as many people as they want, but ask them to group people into three "levels": "absolute must-haves"; should haves; and "nice to have." Then figure out how much a problem you really have--it may be that his parents don't actually need all 63 invites and can transfer them to your family. The "ranking" system also helps families prepare for the likelihood that someone will have to be cut from the guest list.
But I wouldn't assume that the problem is going to be as bad as you're thinking until you really know all the factors.
Now that I look at the numbers, FI and I are the only ones getting our number reduced... So I guess it doesn't make any difference to the in-laws. Why didn't I see that before?
Thanks for your input!
@JennyW1 That's a good point. I haven't asked for his mom's list yet. I think she's waiting for a number.
She's told there are a lot of older folks at the church FI grew up attending that she'd like to invite, since they've seen him from up from infancy until today, but I'd say they're more likely to come to the second party.
We had the same issue as both me and Mr. S are super close to all my extended family. We decided each family would give us a list, then we cut people who Mr. S and I weren't personally close with. My family did get more invites, but it was because Mr. S and I are close to them, not because of my parents relationships.
I can see why a family would think it is unfair based on numbers. But we went with quality of relationships over quantity, if that makes sense. So while my parents were given more family invites, my inlaws got to invite more friends. Because Mr. Starfish is super close to their friends, but not as close to his extended family. In the end everyone understood and I think people were happy with our guestlist.
IMO, 250 is a huge amount of guests...meaning, you should be able to accomodate close family and friends of you and your FI. Personally, I would consult both your parents to see if there are any "must invites" from either of them; but honestly, do you really want 43 of your parent's friends at YOUR wedding? I'm inviting some of my mom's friends to my wedding, but only because I consider them to be friends/aunts of my own. That's just my take on the guest list thing though :-)
Why don't you all just make a list of the most important people you want invited and see what that number is, and go from there? Obviously, since it is your wedding, you should get to invite all your people. WHatever is left guest-space wise can be given to the parents.
I would ask for lists from both sides and ask for the list divided up into three categories (family, would like to invite, and would be ok not inviting). Hopefully you will find that you can invite all family, all of the "would like", and then work on deciding the "B" list.
The closer we got to the wedding the more and more we realized that the people that watched us grow up didn't really know us now and paying a lot of money per head for a wedding let us be more comfortable leaving them off the list.
We told each of our parents that they could invite x number of people (aside from family). For us, that number was 20, because we were trying to keep our numbers to about half what yours are. Both sets of parents wanted to invite more than that number, but we asked them to remember that we were trying to keep things small and had already cut some of our own preferred guests. At one point, his parents offered to pay to invite more guests, but we reminded them that if we let them have more, we would have to let my parents have more, and that then we were getting away from keeping things small. They were, fortunately, very understanding.
For many families, it DOES depend on who is paying, and if your parents are paying, it may affect what limits you are able to put on your parents' invitations. Depends a lot on their personalities, I guess. :)
I like your second idea, making your "non negotiable" guestlist (i.e. family) and then dividing up the rest, either 3 ways (you/FI, his parents, your parents) or 4 ways (you, FI, his parents, your parents).
What FI and I are doing is making our list of people we want there and that's the end of it. He has a lot more family than I do, but I don't care that our lists will be weighted more heavily to him. We are combining two families regardless of how many people each family has. I say, make a list of all the people you and your FI want there regardless of who they 'belong' to, and then ask the families who they want invited and you and your FI choose who you ultimately want there.
We are doing something similar to your second idea. For each side, all grandparents, first cousins and aunt/uncles are invited. Then we added our friends to the list, and then we divided up the remaining number of guests and split them evenly among each parent.
@stranger1 I'd definitely rather invite more of our friends to the wedding than our parents' friends. But since they're paying, I don't really have a ton of pull on that issue.
I think I might ask my parents about not inviting the children/teens of their friends. This might sound harsh, but I'm not close to any of my parents' friends' kids, and they'll just be taking up seats that could go to people I actually want to invite.
I'll definitely ask the in-laws to rank their guest list by must-invite and would-be-nice. That's a good idea! Thanks, everyone, for the feedback!
250 is a pretty big wedding. We both have large families (35ish each with just aunts/uncles and first cousins).
The way we did it, is we just had everybody make their "dream" wedding invite list, if money/space were not a factor. We came up with 128 guests, which was completely workable. You may be pleasantly surprised that everybody's happy without imposing any limits.
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Ok, first, a little background information:
We're attempting to cap our guest list at 250.
The wedding will be held in my small, Texas hometown.
FI's hometown is about a five hour drive away.
My extended family is twice as big at FI's. My count of immediate and extended family is around 40, while his is 20. My entire extended family lives within a 30-mile radius, so we're very close. We see each other at every holiday and family birthday party (it actually didn't dawn on me until college that there were people out there who hardly knew their cousins).The only relatives we could possibly leave off our list are some great aunts/uncles/second cousins up in Michigan.
So, all that being said -- my mom said we should divide 250 three ways, so that my parents, his parents, and FI and I would get 83-84 invites.
Doing it this way, my parents would be able to invite about 43 friends. The problem is, the grew up in this small town and their "must-invite" list of friends is already way over that.
His parents would get to invite 63 friends, but I'm not sure how many of them would actually be willing to drive the five hours.
As an alternative, I was thinking maybe we should subtract the number of family members (since they're non-negotiable invitees) and then divide the remaining number by three, so we'd each get to invite about 63 friends.
I know it would mean a bigger share of the list (taking family into consideration) would be from my family's side, but A) I feel like fewer of his parents' church friends would show up anyway, considering the drive, B) his parents haven't offered to contribute any to the budget; my parents are paying for the entire thing, AND C) one of his mom's friends has offered to plan and pay for a second reception in FI's hometown after the wedding, so I feel like a lot more of his side will just wait for that.
What do y'all think about my guest list splitting suggestion? Is it unfair?