- 2 years ago
So I warn, this may be a long vent… plus a few questions.. 🙁
First, I am so so sad today.. my guy left this morning for almost 5 months of military training over 1600 miles away.
I arranged to come into work late, since he lives almost 2 hours from me, and I wanted to see him off.. so I did.. and it was so hard to say goodbye, it felt surreal.. I can’t believe I wont be able to see him in person or touch him for so long! I am heartbroken…
My drive back consisted of random bouts of bursting in to tears and zomebie-like driving while not feeling mych of anything at all.. I hate feeling this way… So I may let myself have a pity party for myself for a week or two, but I HOPE so badly it goes away fast.. I don’t want to feel this way this whole time! :'(
I am at work.. and I can’t concentrate, I can’t function, I just want to go home and sleep today… my routine has been going on like I am walking dead and I just wanted to come here and vent.. yes I am having a “boo-hoo poor me” day.. sigh.. it is easy for me to think negative like, especially in times like these.. I hate that I can’t just drive to see him anymore, and I can already miss our snuggle times eating cheese cake and watching our favorite shows.. all those little things that make having someone so great…
Which brings me to my next point… and please bear with me bees since my brain is drunk on sadness atm so everything may seem to me harder than it is..
Before I met my guy, and you had asked me if I would date a military guy, I wouldve said, no never.. why not? just seeemed too hard and complicated and I just never knew much about the military in general to crave that life..
But I met my guy, and he is by far the best guy I have ever been with, but he also happens to be in the military.
Before he left, we had a “talk”.. because him leaving was becoming so real.. I had a mini breakdown, or ok, a kind of big breakdown.. I realized I hate the idea of him leaving.. and hate the idea of feeling abandoned!
I see a future with this guy and I want a future with him, we click in so many levels, and I wouldn’t want to give him up because of obstacles…
Now don’t get me wrong.. I dont find it hard to be faithful while he is away, nor would I want to be with someone closer just for the sake of being in a relationship.. if anything I would probably just be single.. but I found this guy and I want to keep him but gosh dang it.. I didn’t picture my life going this way..
My fears with the military is that if htings go good and we get married etc.. I will get pregnant and have him deployed my whoole pregnancy term and birth! and I wont have him there with me, or he will miss milestones in our children’s lives..
Now.. for abckground.. we are both 23, (24 this year for both of us).. we are nowhere near getting married anytime soon and probably not even getting engaged.. which is okay with me, but we have discussed that we are serious about each other and can see our relationship getting to that point if we continue going well.. and I would love to reach that point and be married to him one day.. so that is why I think of these things, like the children and life style we would have..
He is in the National Guard Reserves.. so it’s not active duty, which makes it more bearable.. and I am also still learning about how the military works in general, since I had no clue at all before!
So.. back to “our talk” we had before him leaving.. I told him my fears.. but also told him I would never have the heart to demand of him to NOT be in the military..
He loves being in the military.. it brings him pride and I can’t take taht away from him.. but I didn’t picture my husband leaving for long periods of time and leaving me alone with kids.. it’s like our ideas of what we wanted arent aligning..
He wants to be in the service for 20 yrs or so.. he already has been in 6 (he joined when he was in high school), he went through training, the monthly drills, and everything else, except he didn’t get deployed.. something with the timing of him joining and his unit leaving.. so I know he wants to get deployed and serve finally (once he is done training these next 5 months) but I can’t understand why he would want to be away for so long???
It’s like.. a big part of me is willing to sacrifice my “perfect” little picture in my head, and stand by him through all the years he wants to serve, afterall I think HE is worth it.. but then another part of me feels taht if I am so willig to sacrifice what I had envisioned, why can’t he sacrifice some of his service years and not be in so long?? shouldn’t he want to not be away from me? and in the future, his family??
it may all sound a little dramatic atm, I know.. but do any of you bees see where I am coming from or at elast feel this every now and then?
at the end of our talk, after tears and really thinking about whether I would try this or not.. I told him I would try.. and to be patient with me when I freak out.. but that I want to be with him.. he told me basically that he will be in the guard, and (that is FINAL basically.. he didn’t seem to want to budge on the military), he also said the reason he wants to be in so long is to lock in his retirement, which makes sense..
So I guess my “dilemma” is.. I am in love with a man who is everything I wanted, except for ONE thing.. and this thing is somethign HE loves.. and is passionate about.. it’s a part of who he is.. I feel if I take it away from him.. it wouldn’t be him and I wouldn’t feel comfrotable doing so.. I wouldn’t want him to quit unless it was HIS choice.. nto manipulated by me..
He says, if in the future for health reasons or maybe kids. etc he decides to not enlist again, then it has to be his choice and I do understand that.. I can’t have him resenting me for quitting.. but I also don’t want to resent him..
It’s just so hard when I find myself here sad missing him and thinking, the ONLY reason we are going through this is because HE enisted.. it was his choice.. no one made him! can anyone relate at all??
Again, I think these feelings are currently magnified because he just left and I feel so so sad today. but that doesnt mean they aren’t there sometimes..
I hope you guys don’t think I am a selfish jerk.. I don’t have it in me to end this relationship with my guy, even tho it’s been a little over a year. i love him very much and will try my best to be strong for him 🙁 but sometimes I just wonder if it is fair that he is so set on staying in the military while he knows it’s not what I envisioned..
Then again, he was already in when we met, and he says reserves is not as bad as active even though deployments do happen..
Any similar stories? or advice, or just bees that want to vent?? thank you so much for reading…