Post # 1
Help me bees! I’m not sure if I’m being over emotional or if these boys have really crossed the line. (This is a long read…)
Here’s a preface: Last winter I moved to a small town up north to join my FI where he works. It’s a small oil town dominated by 20/30-something males as most of the work in this area is hard labour or oil rig related. My FI is one of the only “boys” who’s in a serious relationship…the rest are single and ready to mingle!! I work in an office with 2 men, so I only have one girlfriend up here that I met by chance.
Well here is my problem. I’m not too bothered by the effects that these crazy single boys have on my man, but what has started to get to me is actually more of the fact that they’ve totally welcomed me into the gang as “one of the guys.” At first I thought this was great because they are truely the only friends I have up here, but now it’s gotten to the point where I am starting to question this.
Here is what I mean about crossing the line. Lately they’ve all started to be really really open around me. I mean I’m hearing the intimate details of the girls they’ve just “screwed.” They think nothing of it to say oh this girl was loose or this girl was a freak in bed…and they go into extreme graphic detail about these girl’s bodies, what they’ve said privately etc. etc.. OMG TMI!! I’m no virgin over here, but has anyone ever heard of decency?? I understand I should hear some of this sometimes, but now that they all know me they think nothing of it or they’ll say oops sorry we forgot you’re a girl.
Now to make matters worse they’ve all started poking fun at me like they do to each other. They all call each other stupid nick names and grill each other pretty hard. Well, a couple of months ago the first comment that didn’t sit with me well came out. Oh we’ve got a nick name for you, “jiggly!” WTF?? Now last night one of the boys laughs about some South Park episode they just watched… “Haha ya mrs.peter.to.be looks like a cooked ham too!” SERIOUSLY?
I’ve recently been having problems with my weight and I’ve actually gained 20 lbs since FI and I have been together. I don’t know how to react to this? I don’t even know how to broach the conversation were I to have one with them. When they first called me “jiggly” I was pretty upset, but they laughed it off and said I needed to stop being such a little girl because it’s all in fun.
Well now I’m sitting here incrediably hurt because I guess it’s obvious I’ve had problems with my weight. I’m by no means “fat” but I am a curvy woman. Mostly I’m just hurt and when I tell them I’m hurt they laugh at me and think it’s even funnier. FI thinks I’m taking it all too seriously….
Sheesh girls what to do! All I know is everytime I hear ham or see one now I’m on the verge of tears. Do you think I’m being too emotional? I know it’s all in fun, but don;t these boys know a woman’s weight is a sensitive topic? Any advice is appreciated. I mostly needed to get this out so I don’t feel like such a “jiggly cooked ham” 🙁
Post # 3
I am so sorry…
But it is kind of a compliment, even though it is offensive. I would be offended too. I would have your FI explain it to them. They probably are telling you the truth about it all being “good fun”, but they should also know that you are a lady and should be treated as such.
Post # 4
Thanks for reading my novel of a post! I know what you mean about it being a “compliment” that they see me as a good friend, but gosh I wish I knew a way to knock it into their heads that I AM A GIRL. I don’t think someone has ever said such a rude comment to be before as that ham one!
Post # 5
I used to be ‘one of the guys’ back in college. First of all, it’s pretty safe to assume they’re calling you ‘jiggly’ because of your chest or backside, not because you’ve gained weight anywhere else. Those are typically the areas boys notice first :P.
As far as dealing with the details goes, I would typically just tell them “TMI, I don’t want to know!” and they would back off. If your guys don’t, just make it very, very clear that you don’t want to know those details, and even leave the room for a convenient bathroom break or to go grab a drink or whatever. Hopefully they’ll get the point.
If they keep it up with the ham crap, tell your FI that it hurts your feelings and ask him to talk to the guys. He can just tell them that making fun of a woman’s weight is never okay, and they’ll be single for the rest of their lives if they don’t get that one down :P.
Post # 6
Yeah, I think it’s a fine line. If they see you as a friend and are comfortable around you then you’re going to get these comments. It’s not appropriate, and it would really hurt my feelings too (but I also don’t have any *close* guy friends). If you’re going to say something you might want to approach the guys one on one. In a group guys can just egg each other on and not want to seem sensitive or else they’ll get teased too. Try not to take it to heart, they’re just messing around the way they know how.
Post # 7
If I were in your shoes, I would start acting (very vocally and visibly) like a Lady around them. When they get crass or too personal, just stand up, excuse yourself, and say you’d rather not listen to that kind of conversation. Go sit at the bar, get another drink, use the restroom, whatever, and when you come back, pointedly ask “Are you finished being gross?” or something to that extent, and introduce a new topic of conversation.
That or go Girl Respect Police on their booties – “Wow, that’s incredibly degrading.” “I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be with someone so disrespectful.” “You do realize that the woman you’re discussing is someone’s daughter, and probably someone’s future wife, right?”
Anything to show that that kind of talk is not acceptable around you.
As for calling you names or making fun of your appearance/weight gain, don’t ever give in to the temptation to “laugh it off” of you’ll make them think it’s okay. I would use a school teacher voice with them and say something like, “I appreciate that you want to give me a nickname, but I don’t appreciate the cruel/unflattering/disrespectful nature of the one you’ve chosen. Please don’t insult me in that way again.”
Post # 8
I think a lot of our groups of friends consider me “one of the guys.” I think the trick is to give it as well as you get it. Are they talking about having sex with a girl? Talk about what you did with their sister, or tell them that’s just how their kid brother likes it. Are they making comments about your weight? Rip them on the size of their chubby.
I do think you could also go the route @daydreamwanderer suggested if that’s what you’re more comfortable doing. Or take some things more friendly, but do the “stop, serious take” look and tell them that you’d rather they don’t mention your weight if they care about you. But a lot of this is probably friendly teasing – treating you the way they treat each other.
Post # 9
I have to say, most of my friends are of the male persuasion, and I’ve never, ever had one of them speak to me the way they did to you. That is not okay.
My (hugely unhelpful and not recommended) reaction would be to knee the next person to use that nickname in the nuts. They see you as one of the boys? Fine – then they’d best be prepared for you to respond like one.
Honestly, I’m pretty pissed at your FI, too. All that matters is that someone said something that hurt your feelings, and it’s his job to make that person see sense if s/he isn’t listening to you.
Post # 10
Oh I feel you, I moved up north to live with my partner, and the men out number the women 4:1. That being said, I know how it feels to be surrounded by less than ‘polite’ company.
I’m a snarky little b*tch, and I always have been, so I would be likely to do similar to what @Entangled suggested, specifically their TMI booty rants — a mans ego is often strongly based in his sexual prowess.
I think that a little of column a,b and c (giving as good as they give it, walking away from the situation & talking to your partner) would work well to try and get them to treat you more respectfully.
I think a big part of it is that the guys that work in isolated areas for so long forget what it’s like to treat women like women. Don’t be shy to set boundaries and remind them.
Post # 11
@missmouse29: Thank you, you got exactly what I mean about them! It’s that attitude that they all get from being in camp and sex deprived or something!!
And thank all of you other ladies! I think I mostly just needed to hear some support from some other women. I try my best to keep my head held up high, but damnit that ham comment sure got to me!
I will have to be a little more on top of my game from now on I think!!
Post # 12
@mrs.peters.to.be: Just remember to be kind to yourself and not let them get away with that crap just because they’re men. That totally doesn’t give them a right to be jerks!
Post # 13
I’m sorry that this is upsetting you but I do truely think that they’re being honest in their protests that they meant no harm and that it is all in good fun!
I’m also “one of the guys” and have heard all sorts of interesting stories. Honestly though, its never really bothered me. I actually prefer sometimes crude guys to catty, backstabbing girls. They also joke around and tease me (and DH for that matter) and most of the group (including me and DH) have nicknames. I just know that they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around and giving me a hard time if they didn’t truely like me and see me as a good friend.
If you don’t like hearing about their sexual encounters, get up and walk away. And I do think your FI should support you regarding the ham comments if they continue (although that currently appears to be a one-time, off-handed comment).
Sorry this is giving you grief!
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2015 - The Whitney
I’m about to not be popular, but I’ve been where you are. After living in Nashville for 3 years, I’ve only made 3 female friends. DH’s friends are mostly single – only 2 have gf’s and I’m not a fan of either.
When you’re out with a bunch of guys you’re in their world. The fact that they are being um…revealing…about stuff in front of you means that they are comfortable with you and like you. Don’t try to change them.
The Jiggly comment no doubt hurt your feelings. DH’s friend made comments about me gaining weight and I was hurt and pissed. As a PP said, they probably noticed it in your boobs or butt. The next time someone comments, turn it around and joke about their wrinkles, grey hair, bald spot, beer gut, etc. Say it with a smile and a small laugh. I would bet my life that they aren’t trying to hurt your feelings. Guys show they like (platonic!) someone by insulting them.
If you pull out this: “That or go Girl Respect Police on their booties – “Wow, that’s incredibly degrading.” “I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be with someone so disrespectful.” “You do realize that the woman you’re discussing is someone’s daughter, and probably someone’s future wife, right?” You will automatically be the nagging woman that their poor friend is about to marry. It’s a huge party foul and it will make them very uncomfortable with you. It sucks. If something they say does make you really uncomfortable, say something in private to that person.