Anyone else having a hard time getting over-the-moon wildly esctatic for the engagement and wedding? I'm super excited to be married, and can't wait to call him my husband. But I am more excited about moving forward with the big milestones in life like having kids and buying a house.
My FI and I have been living like we are married for 7 years this August. Shared household, shared finances, shared dreams for the future and close relationships with our respective families. We even run a business together that we started a few years into our relationship. We are so lucky to have found each other, and both of us are amazed by the way that time has only made us love each other more.
We got engaged this past year, and are planning to do a large, but informal marriage ceremony/reception. I even secretly (or maybe not so secretly given my screen name, lol) like the idea of eloping.
But part of me feels like if we had gotten engaged when we were in our mid-twenties, maybe I would have been more caught up in it. We did disucss it at the time, and even though we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we just didn't feel we needed to get married, and we didn't like the idea of needing society's stamp of approval. We were also pretty annoyed about how many of our LGBT friends could not get married. Now, we realize that we want the rest of society to recognize our relationship the way we do, and that getting married is the way to do that. It feels funny and even inappropriate to refer to him as my boyfriend in business or community matters, and partner doesn't convey the full relationship. I even feel like calling him my fiance somehow cheapens our relationship since in my mind he has been my husband and life partner for a very long time.
Of course, I come from an a religious household, and am something of a feminist. Also, I am a pretty frugal, intentional person, so the cost associated with all of the hoopla may have something to do with it.
Am I crazy? Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I just not that into weddings?
I'm not a 30-something (27), but I have similar feelings. We own a house together, combined finances, all that stuff. So I feel like we are married. I am SOO excited to marry my best friend and the man of my dreams, but I don't feel like we need a big wedding to do that. I have asked him several times since we got engaged if we can go elope :) He actually wants the big wedding, so we are compromising with a medium size (75 total).
I also feel sick to my stomach at the thought of spending so much on one day. I know there are sooo many awesome brides who create beautiful weddings on tiny budgets, but I am just not creative like that. We arent going into debt for the wedding but I can think of so many awesome things we can do with that money instead-like a new renovate our kitchen! Or install a new patio! haha.
The more I start planning the more I get into it, but at the end of the day I am doing this for my fiance.
You have read my mind and feelings almost to a T. I actually thougth about starting a post last month like this...my realization about my non-excitement began with:
Recently a friend got engaged to a lovely young lady in her early 20s. Her reaction to the proposal and engagement party made me realize I am nowhere's near as excited as she is (there were no tears or jumping up and down on my part, no diving into planning). I then had a serious talk with my fiance. I told him I thought I was missing the bride gene. He assured me I wasn't and that I am just in different place in life. And then I thought, well if I had gotten engaged in my mid-twenties I would have been thrilled! Early twenties I would have said heck no! :-)
I already feel married, could do without the big hoopla for a wedding and honestly wouldn't have minded just going to the local court house. My fiance and I discussed a small destination wedding, but his family would have been hurt. We are having a larger and semi-formal wedding to appease his family. I would rather use the money designated wedding towards a new home. Oh well.
I am really hoping I'm excited on the actual wedding day. Thank you for sharing.
Yup. I'm excited, but nothing like...crying at my wedding dress or the proposal or anything.
Oh thank God someone else said it! I'm TOTALLY chill about it. Excited, yes, but certainly not enough to end my posts with FIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!
Then again, nothing excites OR upsets me like it did in my 20's, and I don't miss it one bit. There was just so much drama, in all areas of life, I'm so much more easy going about everything now. Also, this is a second wedding for both of us, and we're gong much smaller scale this time around. There was no way in hell I was going to drive myself batshit crazy with the all the tiny details.
I enjoyed planning and had fun with the challenge of planning on a tight budget. I also very much enjoyed the challenge of DIY and figuring out how to make the visions in my head with what I had or could find. I didn't cry when I found my dress or at the wedding itself, but I did cry and call everyone I knew (or rather had the phone numbers for since I was in the Netherlands at the time lol) when he proposed, but I do think a difference is where you are both in life and in your relationship.
My husband proposed to me just 10 months after we met each other for the first time face to face, we were living in different countries, and had only lived together for 3.5 months. This is a first marriage for both of us, and for that matter first serious relationship.
I will fully admit though that because of our situation (immigration required us to be married within a certain time frame and that fell at a time when his folks couldn't afford to travel to the USA), and the fact that we were married by civil ceremony 6 months prior to the "official" wedding, I did wonder if the "official" wedding was worth all the (at times) hassle and aggravation. Most of my wedding planning (of which I had 6 months lol) was done while I was also dealing with immigration and any issues that brought up, moving my husband to the USA and getting him settled, making MY space into OUR space, finding a job, and then working at said job.
Right there with you. I'm 32. My fiancé and I have known each other for 10 years, been dating for 5, and living together for 4. I would much rather elope or have a courthouse wedding, but he has a large family and they're all really close. I love his family, but spending all this money on a wedding freaks me out. Plus, I've never really dreamt or thought about my wedding like many young women do.
My younger sister who got married three years ago, literally jumped up and down when I told her I was engaged. She’s more excited than I am…I’m happy to be marrying him, I just think too many people focus on the wedding itself instead of the marriage.
I want to go gown shopping alone, I don’t want any showers or bachelorette parties, and I just don’t want people to fuss over me in general. My wedding will be great; everyone will have a lot of fun and share our moment with us. That should be enough. I’m not going to refer to it as “my day” or make friends and family bend over backwards for me. I’ll smile and be happy, but I’m not going to put on a big show.
I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way.
thank you ladies! I am so glad I posted--I feel better knowing I am not alone.
Can I just say I laughed out loud at the part about missing the bride gene? And for the record, my FI is the one pushing our guest list to 175, lol. But that is fine. We are just calling it our big, hippie-casual wedding.
I'm 29, I'll be turning 30 a few months after we get married.
I'm excited to be getting married, but I am so over this wedding stuff. I just want to get married and have kids and move on with life already.
I am finishing school (I went back to get a second degree) I have never lived with my FI, so I am different from a lot of my younger friends and even my younger sister who has lived with their SO. I don't regret it, but I am just ready to get on with life already.
I never planned my wedding when I was younger and I never even thought about it until a few years ago.
@justelope: Nope, you aren't alone. My fiance and I are both 30 and dont live near either of our families so we weren't into a big wedding. I don't think I would have been able to mentally manage my job and a long distance wedding planning stint, so we just decided to elope! Saving that money for a house!
well i am 30, was 29 when i got engaged, and i soaked up the whole process! i didn't cry when i got my dress, but i revelled in the planning, i cried when i got engaged and i have been obsessing over my wedding (sometimes a good/fun thing, sometimes not so good) since it was over! so i can't say i feel the way you do!
Yeah i think i'm in the same boat, for some things at least - i LOVED getting engaged, but it was on a holiday and kind of because i knew i could finally stop deflecting all the "when? when? when?" questions from everyone.
I HATED dress shopping and ended up buying a non-wedding dress while shopping on my own one day. No tears, no elation, just a salesperson telling me she thought it was my dress.
I've LOVED the design elements of the wedding - getting invitations sorted out, figuring out centrepieces and what the overall feel (NOT theme!! No colours!) of our venue will be
I've HATED dealing with guestlists, hotels, photographers, travel arrangements, and trying to please everyone.
I haven't gotten nearly as excited or organised as any of the other brides i know, but i also know that our wedding will be very representative of us, and we're pretty low key people. Eloping would have definitely worked for us.
I'm so happy I found this post. I'm in a very similar situation. I also am having a hard time being excited about anything for the wedding. Please don't mistake what I'm saying as I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my FI, I'm just over the wedding planning already. I don't care about the color of my wedding, whether my invitation is cute, or if my dress is absolutely perfect. I just want a night to have a night to celebrate our love of one another. That's it. I'm a teacher in grad school and just want the family life we will be starting together...
I am 28 and am mostly looking foward to the actual party on the day of the wedding and to being married to DH. I am a decisive and practical person and have yet to be really overwhelmed or "giddy" about the process.
On the other hand, I am a super perfectionist and "all or nothing" type of person , so if we are doing this wedding and reception thing, I am doing it right. It is more a means to an end though, and I am tackling this like I would tackle any big event I plan at work.
And, FI and I are having a relatively short engagement, engaged in May, married in Decemeber. I keep saying to him that I have no idea how people do this for 2 years straight! I am a few months in and am already kind of over it! haha
So happy to read this post, especially because I have a hard time admitting my real feelings on WB. I mean really, if I'm not that excited about the Big Day, why am I on this website so much? I've had more than a few arguments with my family over wedding plans because I'm just not excited about the details and am planning to forego many of the "standard requirements".
Anyway, just chiming in to say that I TOTALLY understand, and am really excited to find that there are others who feel the same way even on a huge wedding website!!
I did not have such a great time with the wedding planning. It was mostly like "Really?! We have to get this nonsense and pay money for it, too?" Lol! I felt like there was something wrong with me, since everybody on the Bee seemed to have an inspiration board and great ideas for every detail, and I had all my wedding stuff in a messy pile somewhere in our study.
The day of was fantastic, though! Not 'everything I ever dreamed of', because I never really dreamed of this day. But it was such a fun, happy day! Several people commented on how calm I was.
Yup, I pretty much feel the same way. I'm 33, FI and I have been together for 4 years, and I'm totally just ready to move on to the house/kids parts of things. Don't get me wrong - I love him dearly, and can't wait to be his wife/call him my husband, but the wedding itself is just such an expensive stress - I'd so much rather be saving the money to buy a house. Alas - we contemplated doing the destination wedding thing, but it wouldn't have saved us any money in the long run, and his family (his mother, in particular) would have been a nightmare. I really just can't wait until 10/9 - wedding will be over, we will be married, and headed off somewhere tropical :)
I read on another wedding website that the calmest brides are the ones who made a conscious decision not to give a ****. So that is what I plan to do on that day.
However, it's been really hard not to get riled up during the planning process, especially when what I want is so different from what everyone else wants. I will need to keep taking deep breaths for the next five weeks.
I was never the type to go over the moon with excitement for this type of event. This has disappointed some people in my life. I had someone express shock that I didn't want to spend a whole year planning the wedding, micromanaging every detail. This person felt that it wouldn't be special enough because we weren't interested in having all the little bells and whistles - which I find so weird. It's the only time we'll be married. It can't help but be special.
I'm also 28 but was also pretty over all the wedding fanfare. It was something we wanted to do for ourselves and our families (who had never gotten to meet because DH is from another country) but because of immigration issues, we were not only living like we were married, we WERE legally married. It's a long story but we wanted to get the green card stuff out of the way before dragging everyone over here to celebrate a union that could quickly be put under stress if the green card petition was denied and I had to pick up and leave the country with him (yikes!)
Anyhow, just thought I'd chirp in to say that close to the wedding, I was WAY more caught up in a big project at work than I was in the wedding. I just couldn't get all giddy about it the way you see some girls get - it just felt like nothing was going to change as the whole thing wasn't even necessary. But I will say I was surprised at how different things do feel after the wedding. In a good way!
@lauramich: I could have written most of your post myself. Thank you!
@Bostongrl25: I also could have written yours.
@cirrus: I have heard that to me too, that it won't be "special" unless I spend oodles of time and money on making sure I have X and Y. That I will disappoint our out-of-town guests if they've spent 6 hours driving to get there and things aren't done nicely enough. September 4 cannot get here fast enough for me.
Actually, my problem is that I love making things and I get great satisfaction out of crafting to my own specifications - I can never find exactly what I want in stores, so I love making things myself. The problem is when others get derisive and judgmental about my DIY projects, because they just won't be fancy enough if they're homemade.
Meh... I enjoy design stuff, so the wedding is right up my alley. I am loving the planning process and seeing my vision come together. It's the same kick I get when I'm designing a room in our house or planning a party for someone. This stuff is fun for me.
But to each her own. If it's not your thing, don't do it. IMHO, a wedding should be authentic to the couple. And if DIY projects, lots of flowers, a cohesive "look", etc. just aren't YOU, don't let someone else guilt or pressure you into doing them. There's no one "right" way to be a bride or plan a wedding.
I think I may be with Purple Unicorn on this one... I am totally excited about the planning process for my wedding. Not jump up and down and cry excited.... but excited and having fun with the planning nonetheless... I think part of the reason why I am so excited is because my FI and I are doing everything together and it is fun doing different projects and talking about things. Even though I know him (he is my best friend) well, I feel like I am learning even more about him- how he things, how he plans, what he feels about certain customs and traditions- and that is AWESOME and exciting!
Yes although this is my 2nd marriage so that has something to do with it. I am very very excited to be married, but not crazy excited at all for the whole wedding thing. I'm very casual about the whole thing and haven't stressed out over any of the planning an details. I had lunch with my dad a couple weeks ago and he asked about everything. I was very nonchalant with my answers. My dad got upset and told me I needed to get a little more excited and develop some anxiety and stress over everything. Um...ok. Sure. Clearly it's much better to be a crazy, stressed out bridezilla than a calm bride who knows that the wedding day is great, but not worth freaking out about and means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. Thanks for the advice dad. :)
I'm excited for the marriage and the wedding day, but so over the planning.
I'm 29, this is both our first marriage but the planning does not excite me. Of course I'm doing it, but I'm not one of those DIY brides who agonizes over every detail. Our wedding will be simple and elegant.
I am really looking forward to commiting my life to the man of my dreams, someone who totally gets me.
Sorry to jump on your board, I'm a 40 something BUT I relate to what you're feeling. I was really excited at first but now....kinda blah. We've been living together for four years and we already have a house and a son so after the wedding we don't even have any milestones to look forward to :(
There are days I wonder why we're doing it because nothing is going to change other than we have rings and a piece of paper. I was just in a major funk about it all and had to step away from the planning for a while.
That truly was the best thing for me. I was gung ho in the beginning...probably similar to starting a race too fast and then losing steam. I took off too fast trying to get it all done. Now that I've had a nice break I'm happy to say I'm back in the game and once again excited about it all.
That being said my advice is step away for a while.
Honestly, I got married for the first time when I was 23, and I was "over it" even then. I think it's more an issue of perspective and goals than age.
@Mrs.RDV: I feel the same way. I think we'll have a lovely day and I am grateful for it, but I'm looking more forward to our regular life.
If I was being really honest, I would say I'm more into our upcoming kitchen remodel than doing a bunch of dress fittings!
I'm also 28, still waiting to get engaged. I'm also kind of over the whole wedding thing. I like the idea of all the design stuff and the actual wedding planning, but I don't need it and I think I'd prefer to just do a JotP thing and take the parents out to a nice dinner, but I don't think that will happen.
I don't know. I guess I'm just burned out on waiting. I haven't been with my bf too long (18 months - I know plenty of couples who got married in less - and more! - time than that), but we're pretty serious. I've had a lot of fairly wretched, disappointing relationships before this one, and I think I'm just exhausted from it all. I've always wanted to be married and have just a great, healthy partnership. A teammate to go out and have grand adventures together with!
It just feels sort of anti-climatic. It's just one day.
Right there with you. I was just explaining this to a group of friends. I'm going to be 31 when we get married, but the excitement and fairytale, magical feelings of glitter, sparkles and fairy dust just has not happened to me. I told my friends that maybe if I were in my early to mid 20s, I may feel differently, but I just don't feel that. I'm happy to be marrying the love of my life, but I could forego the wedding and elope on a beautiful island or spend the money on a fabulous Mediterranean trip.
Although I totally sobbed for about 10 minutes when he proposed I completely feel the same. There seems to be much expectation for me to sing and dance my way to the altar, all the while joyously planning the wedding of the century. I just want a lace gown, fragrant bouquet and nice wedding ring. Other than that I couldn't care less. I don't want to be bothered with centerpieces, entertainment, food options, we don't drink and I hate cake. I refuse to spend thousands of dollars on a party. No one cares about the favors anyway. People lose the invitations, etc. I refuse to have any bridal parties. I don't want or need any gifts. Maybe if I was 20 and it wasn't my own money I would care, but I doubt it. I'm 32, we've been together almost 7 years, we own a home, a business and two cats together. We're thinking about retirement investments, paying off college loans and making babies. We're getting married somewhere beautiful, far away and just the two of us. I can't wait!
Yup same here. I mean i like getting married, but more because i am moving on in my life. All this wedding planning, it s nice to experience but it is not like i cried when i bought my dress or any of that. We have been living together over almost 9 years, so it feels like we are already married, the only things that are going to change is (partly) my last name and the ring on my finger and ofcourse that i have the married status.
I am in my early twenties but feel the same. Maybe it depends on the person? If you like fuss or not. OR... could be just you are used to the idea of marriage to your special person so much that it seems normal and it's not a huge deal to think or plan a wedding.
FH and I have been together for so long it's only natural. I am happy but didn't cry at the proposal or the dress or any detail yet.
Who wants to get over it? You only live once. I'm soaking it all in.
Hi ladies, I just wanted to update that even if you don't feel super excited about the wedding, it will still be awesome! I loved my wedding in a way I really didn't expect I would, so don't worry! This thread made me realize I didn't have to worry I was "feeling it all wrong."
OK. I'm also 28. have been waiting for 6 years. If he had proposed after 2 or 3 years I would have been ecstatic/surprised/tearful etc. But now I just feel like it's so overdue that I doubt I'll be able to muster up more than an "about time too!". I do already feel married. We have a house/car/cat together. I have felt married for some time. I think I would enjoy planning, but that's because I like planning big projects. I get satisfaction from perfection in every area of my life. That doesn't mean I was a kid who fantasised about getting married. So... I sort of get the excitement, but sort of get how everyone is just so "over it" as well. The wait has sucked all of the climax out for me... I just have the questions: why don't you want to marry me? Do you have lingering doubts after all this time? Because my child bearing years are just around the corner and, quite frankly, if you don't want to be with me I think you should tell me whilst I still have a chance to meet someone, settle down, get married and have children before it's too late... that process could take years! I think we do have a great relationship... it's just the little demons have started to nag and getting married would now silence the demons... but not give me a big emotional bonus like it would have done four years ago!
Love this! I'm totally excited to be engaged and getting married, and have really enjoyed the wedding planning process. But I have not been that crazy-excited, borderline irrational lunatic about it. :) I feel like, at this age (29), I am able to be more level-headed about it. Of course I want a beautiful day and am so happy to be marrying my fiance. But I'm not going to get bent out of shape about things or sweat the small stuff. More than my wedding, I'm excited about my marriage.
My mom actually had the audacity to say that she didn't think I was happy in my relationship because I didn't seem excited enough for wedding planning (I'm not sure what she wanted me to do exactly. Cry? Find my high screechy voice? Talk endlessly about "the wedding" and drive everyone nuts?).
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